nothingness, probably don't even bother to read this.

so. this is what I have to tell you tonight.
I am tired of sitting alone doing nothing on satuday nights. I mean sure, I can do homework, and I get ALOT of quality time with my mom.... but if you are bored too PHONE ME, because frick, you know that I am ALWAYS at home... and wanting to do something...

anyways... thats enough of that because in reality I am dead tired, and have no idea why I am still awake. I worked a 9 hour shift today, which also happened to be open to close, but I am so dead. It wasn't even buisy or anything... in fact it was REALLY boring. we even started to play cards. hah. isnt' that terrible? mmmmmmm yeah, but I love it.

dude, I am so stoked to go to sleep, I don't even know why I am still trying to find something to do. I might as well just go to bed. we'd all be better off for it.
yep. thats it. I'm done for it. at 9:45 at night. I'm gonna fall asleep. how pathetic is that?

sweet dreams!
Laurel

Work

yeah? so guess what?! I have yet to tell you about the CRAZY italian woman at work. Christina. whoa. she is INSAINE! and intense. hahaha. she says the funniest things. her nickname for me is 'trouble' she looks at me and goes 'you. you are trouble' and yep... thats what she calls me 'TROUBLE! GET ME MORE FRENCH FRIES! MORE FRENCH FRIES NOW!' haha, and yesterday she was like 'today, we move like tigers. not like bunny rabits' haha. and she hopped around the kitchen like a rabit. haha. its better telling you this in person cuz then you can do the crazy accent and everything. haha. she makes work fun tho! but she leaves tommorow, cuz she was just here to train us.
So... work is good. I'm getting ALOT of hours. 2 hours everyday at lunch, and saturday and sunday, all day from 11-8. its intense, let me tell you. and my boss(es) are really cool too. so thats awesome. and all of hte girls that I work with + Pam (the children's ministries leader from church) are really fun and sweet too.... so I think work is going to be good!
and... I ducked out of Girls Journey of Faith this weekend to work. so thats cool. I wasn't really into it anyways... now all I have to do is set up on friday after math class. SWEET! thats super cool. so I think I have my life UNDER CONTROL! with is stokin! ....except waking up every morning is getting quite painful. I think I need to start going to bed at 9:30. ugh. and I've forgotten about homework... who knows when thats gonna get done. thats what I should be doing right now. yeah... but I'm not. I'm going to have a shower, cuz I didn't shower after work yesterday so I still smell like schnitzel. gross.
talk to you soon!
have a good day!
Laurel

I am so so tired of watching people flirt.
like seriously... do it somewhere else, get out of the hallways, and off of myspace. do it on your own time, in your own place. nobody is enjoying it as much as you are, so stop pretending that everyone is amused by you being 'cute', because its not that you're cute, its that you are amazingly annoying.
I am not a flirter, by any stretch of the imagination, and that may be to my disbenifit, but does it look like I care? nope. I sure don't. because watching other people flirt makes me SICK. hah. maybe thats why I don't, and never had a boyfriend. do I care? no.
JUST STOP FLIRTING IN PUBLIC! its like extreme PDA, sick. sick. sick. just go somewhere else. and do not, I repeat DO NOT make out in the hallways at school. I promise, nobody, NOBODY wants to see that.
I'm tired of girls stealing boys hats, and the boys reaching around them in awkward ways (perhaps touching something 'accedentaly') to get it back. I'm tired of going to talk to a friend and have them hanging all over some guy (or girl) makign whatever conversation I had in mind rediculously and unnessisarlily awkward.
if you would step outside of your own URGES and look around you for just a second, you may realize that you are making life REALLY awkward for everyone around you.
SO STOP FLIRTING AND STOP PDA-ing! PLEASE! just STOP now!
Laurel


P.S.- I got a job today. its totally random, I know. but everyone out there in the internet world needs to know that I, Laurel, got my first job today at Schnitzelz, and I think I might almost not like it already. we'll see how tommorow goes tho. it could be alot better than today, cuz today I made alot of mistakes, got in trouble alot, and was really quiet and awkward, because I was not expecting to have to actually work today. tommorow can only get better. especisally if you all stop flirting. thanks.

Questions?

hm. I've been doing alot of thinking lately. about alot of things. And the thing that I've been thinking about the most is Why do I believe what I believe? I mean, I guess I grew up believing all that I do, and have never known any different, and can't imagine what life would be without the lifestyle that comes with being a Christian, but why do I still believe it? why do I still sit in church every sunday, bible in hand?
I guess I've hit a really dry spot in my 'walk', and I'm questioning alot of stuff, and it seems I've heard more sermons on how its ok to question in the last few months than I have in my whole entire life.
Like, why do things happen the way they happen when they happen? somethings just happen at THE worst time, when they could have happened any number of times before, or not even happened at all, but some how God still allows them to happen at that prescise time? I guess I am just too impatient to wait and see how things work out, and want to know why RIGHT NOW.
but I believe that things happen for a reason. why? because thats what I'm told the bible says. where? I don't know. Do I take the time to figure things out? oh, nope.
Are we right to say that Christianity is right? or am I just very much in the wrong to think it inconsiderate to tell someone that they are wrong? that they are going to hell? I mean, how can you tell someone that? do you know? do you even know whats going on in their hearts? do you even know that YOU are right? how can we be so sure?
I dunno. life is too complecated for me to be 18 and know that forsure I have things 100% right. but at the same time, there is too much, tangible, spiritual things for me to not believe that I am a spiritual being and that the God that I have grown up with is wrong. I can't say that. I can't disprove what I believe. is that where faith comes in? because maybe thats all I'm lacking right now. simple faith.
I dunno. I'm confused tho.

Laurel

set the record straight

ok boys and girls, lets set the record straight here... I am NOT I repeat NOT bipolar!!!! I promise!
but I AM bored. fricken out of my mind. perhaps to the point of ignoring the fact that today sucked butt. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. bored. is that even how you spell it? I don't even care.
there isn't even any good movies to watch. or anything. ....oh wait... thats cuz today... it sucks.
well... excpt for talking to Jer. that was good. hey... maybe today wasn't so bad afterall. I needed one good thing... and hey.. there is was. maybe I just need to start looking harder for the good in the bad days.
frick! Daaaaaan! how come every time I talk to you I come out with something to learn?! .....thanks.......
Actually, today was pretty good. I forced myself to listen to only worship music today, cuz I figured that listening to angry music wouldnt make the day any better, and worship music is like the happyest music ever... so I figured that could make my day a bit sunnier.... and I suppose it did. man.
I swear. I am not bipolar. or anything! I know I sound like it... BUT I'M NOT! promise!
ok.. I'm gonna stop now before my foot gets deeper in my mouth... or something like that. ok. I'm gone. now.
Laurel

Today Sucks

Today sucks. alot. I woke up late, and grumpy. thats prolly because I went to bed grumpy last night. So then I go and have a shower, but when I get upstairs I get in trouble for having a shower cuz Nathan needs to have a shower cuz he stinks, and so does dad becasue he needs to go to work. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?! Then, I'm sitting here trying to get homework done, and my little brother is getting screamed at becasue he's being his usual dinkish spoiled brat, attitude self and crying about it. then I get yelled at, for nothing. like, not even kidding, I got ranted at because I was just sitting here. now... I can't figure out what to eat, so I'll prolly get in trouble for that too. I can't leave the house tho, because then I'd get in trouble. today sucks.
pretty much anything good could make today better. and I would like that. just anything good? semi-good even. I just want today to not suck.
help?

Laurel

Above All...

Above all, Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23

At one point in time this was written on my mirror, reminding me everyday that a heart is a frigile thing, and that when you take the imagination [+ romance movies] of a woman, a heart can be laid bare for any man to rip apart.
And I guess as soon as I took it off my mirror, thinking to myself 'I know this by now, I don't need reminding', the guard came off my heart, and I fell for the workings of my mind. I fell for the asumptions that I would too quickly make.
I kinda feel stupid, to tell you the honest truth. to think that anything could possibly logically happen in five months.
But what can you expect? Unguard your heart, and open a mind....

Above all else Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
Above all else Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
Above all else Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
Above all else Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
Above all else Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
..... .. .... ..... .... ...... ... .. .. ... .......... .. ....


Laurel

The Greatest day

Man, today was the best day EVER. Thanks to everyone who came out... which was like.... five people, but hey, it was WAY fun. Kudos to Graham who stared a good hour before everyone else becasue I was SO excited to play.
it was so good to be a kid again, to play hop scotch, jump rope, play basketball, blow bubbles and go to the play ground. today was so incredibly good. you have no idea.
Man, I am super tired tho, who knew that playing could be so tiring? like I could use a nap. or like, fall asleep while watching a movie. thats what I want to do. thats my favorite, falling asleep during a movie.
dude, today was just SO good. I don't think anyone could top it. well... maybe. but we'll keep that one a seceret for now, ok?
well... I'm done my supper now, so I suppose I should clean that up. then I'll find something to do.
have a good evening!
Laurel

The best day of spring break EVER

The day has only just begun, and I cannot wait to figure out what I'm going to do with this beautful day. its one of those days when you want to draw with chalk on the sidewalk and play jump rope... if only I had friends. OH! and I totally want to play hide and go seek! dude! today could be SO good! ...if only I had friends as dorky as me. then today would be PERFECT. ...bust out the lemonade. get some popsicles! oh man! I am stoked. I'm gonna have the best day EVER today.
I officially dub today (april 20, 2006) the first annual international play kiddie games with laurel day.
if you want in on the fun, phone me, if you have my number, OR leave a coment, or emial me, or skip over to my house, or contact me, and I'll let you know where all the action is happening!
dude, I'm stoked for today like nobody's buisness! we can go to the park and everything! oh man!

Cleaning day....

first off, let me express my deepest joy, because RIGHT NOW I am listening to the NEW underoath song.... and... its blowing my mind... all of 1 minute and 20 seconds into it. again... UO has been able to recreate themselves.
ok, so I really don't know what I'm talking about, and the song has yet to blow my mind because I cant' sing along to it because ITS IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE!! oh well... Things aren't always how you expect them to be.

The next topic of todays descussion, is cleaning day. I hate this day. more than.... meatloaf. and thats alot of hate. let me tell you. Mom gets like.. fanatical. rediculously intense, becasue if you dont' get it done... you might as well be in hell, because it gets scary here. luckily, my room is in the basement, and mom doesn't REALLY know how much I have or have not done today. but wait untill the day (aka tommorow) that I get escorted in my cleaning efforts. NO BREAKS!! I think I'm gonna run away from home tonight in order to avoid this.... predicament.

In other news, I may be getting hired part time at Schnitzelz. I have to say I had given hope when I hadn't heard from them untill today. but they seemed interested to know what kind of hours I would be able to work. this seems promising. (great... a fast food job... just what I always wanted)

The rest of the underoath music is better than I remembered it to be. perhaps this will stir up a cleaning mood for me......
nope.
I can't even try to want to clean. I would prefer to bake cookies and muffins and make bread all freeking day, getting up at like 6 in the morning to start, and not finishing untill 11 at night than clean for one hour solid. its boring beyond anything. and..... its just gonna get messy in a week anywyas. so its pointless. (hah, can't you picture my dorm room now..... haha)

Dad's lucky... he gets to mow the lawn today. ugh. I wish I could be outside. enjoying the glorious.... cloudyness. and fresh scent of newly cut DEAD grass.
ok. never mind that. I think I will stick to runing away from home for now.
gotta go pack my backpack!!! (I'll need 8 pairs of pants 14 shirts, a few bunny hugs.......... shoot. I don't think I'll have enough room.........)
Laurel

The DaVinci Code

So, as an easter gift, I finally got what I've been begging my parents to buy me- The DaVinci Code. Something like this, I had to know what all the fuss is about, and in less than 24 hours, I have read a good 2/3 of the book, perhaps closer to 3/4. (yes I really am a geek, I can't help it)
but what I don't understand, is why hasn't this shooken the christian community more than it has, I mean Harry Potter had us in an uproar, banning it from schools and everything, but this book shakes up the very core of Christian values, especially that of the Roman Catholic denomonation (who were the ones that were so riled up about our dear freind Harry), but I have hardly heard a thing about it. I am no less than intrigued with what the christian community thinks about this book, and why there has been a rather dull roar about the book and its contents. Its not a new concept of Jesus being married. ...I just wonder what the major conception of this book, and how many people have actually read it before juding it.
I have to say that I am really enjoying it. It is VERY well written and reserched, and I can't wait to find out how it ends.
anyways... enough of my dorky talk...
sweet dreams
Laurel

Spare Pare

You change girls
like you change your underwear
but you've never tried me on for size
I'm just the spare
you leave in the bottom of your drawer
untill you run out of options

Being one of the guys
I know how often you change those whities
but I'm not sure weather its too often
or too far in between
All I really know is that they never really fit
the way that they should

So what color is it today?
whose heart will you rip out?
and how many more times will you pass me by?
because your spare
won't stick around forever







ok ok ok, I know I just compared myself to underwear, and tighty whities at that, but Boys... know that somewhere out there is a girl dying for your attention, and all the other ones that you come across don't like your games, so please remember there is a reason you don't try on underpants in the store.

Laurel

Good friday...

what an interesting way to start the morning....
my alrarm goes off to get me up to go to church. but I hesitate, and lay in bed an extra 10 minutes. but I hear a voice that isn't my moms. sounds like its on the answering machine. so something must be up. I can't be the only one home. so I figure I should get up. Well dad and Nathan are sleeping and my mom is in the bathroom. But the voice on the answering machine? is Francis, my mom's cousin. Letting us know that my great uncle Hearald won't make it though the day, and that she (herself) has terminal cancer. wow.
Its not like I know either of these people really well. but my family is unique, in that I know a lot of my extended family. like, I remember going to Uncle Harold's and being bored out of my mind, and so he brought me a chocolate bar. his favorite kind. (I don't remember exactly what it was, but you get the drift). But my mom on the other hand... today will be one of those days when I need to sit next to her in church.
so with that, I need to go and shower, and get dressed.
God bless,
may today be a day of remembering,
and please don't forget what HE did for you,
Laurel

what? who? where? I didn't see a skateboard, did you?

one more day. one more day. then a break.
I'm tired of waiting for today and the next day and the next day to be over so that it can be the weekend. I'm tired of waiting for the next hour to be over so that the next one can come so that I can go home. I'm tired of getting home and having nothing to do, and no one to see. what I'm getting at here... is that I'm bored with the way I'm living. I need excitement.
I need a Skateboard.
Sweet dreams,
Laurel





haha, yeah, no. I wouldnt' do a blatant plead for a skateboard.... or would I? haha. who knows. but seriously,.... I really am bored. I need a friend. or something. maybe a hobby. like skateboarding.
k, so I am totally convinced that I'll be good and that I'll like it. haha, my mom just sighs every time I talk about it. but I really think I am serious about this. all I need is a good hat. and a skateboard, of course. but they are so oober expensive. I don't know how I'll manage to get one. (hint hint, wink wink)
Hey Jeremy... lets play a game.... SKATEboard skATEboard SKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateBoooooooooored SKATBOARD. (ba hahahahahahah!) (now make THAT face!)

what the point is here... is that I need to go to bed. thats what the real point is.(besides the subliminal message that someone should get me a skateboard) [oops. I just gave THAT one away. too bad.]

anyways... this time I'm really gone.
sweet dreams.
may ALL of your seceret and wildest dreams come true
Laurel

Friends Forever

So on sunday Dwayne Barkman preached on Friendship, and evidently, its been something thats weighed heavily on my heart so far this week. I mean, what makes a friend? where's the line between aquaintance and friend? when does it become MORE than a friend? And can you just quit being someone's friend? I don't really know.
So I'm pondering the friendships that I do have, and how I value them, and if I am the same person with every single one of my friends. because its so easy to change when you are with different people.
Its hard to study friendships, and to think about where they are going.... especially when I'm leaving in 5 1/2 months. I mean, with Ashley, I will never ever quit doing what I do to be her friend, I won't quit giving, and I won't quit taking (I guess thats a key part of friendship... being able to give AND take), I won't quit laughing with her or talking with her about the seemingly important things of the day.
I dunno. and then I think about the other friendships I have, the ones I value so so much... and I know that I have to keep in touch. but then those other ones... the Friendships that have so much potential... how far do I pursue them?
I don't know.
hm. and then lost friendships. Some of them make my heart ache. There are so many times when I've done something stupid, said something so wrong... most of my friends are gracious to forgive me and move on... but those ones that don't.... were they even worth my time? my tears? I think so. I think that the time I put into everyone I meet is worth it. no matter what. so I guess that answers the previous question... that I need to put all I can into every friendship no matter what happens, right? sure there may be tears in the end, but what happens while I am here, or while whatever it is lasts... is better than being left standing asking the unaswerable, unavoidable 'what if?'
still in much thought,
Laurel
sweet dreams
may all of your friends love you as much as you love them

Run in the Rain

These last few days have sucked, I have to admit that. But somehow they haven't seemed as bad as they could. I have ran for the last 3 days, and I know, its not that long, but it has blessed me so much. to get off of my lazy butt and just run, me and my music. Well... except for last night, but it was good to have a companion.
but its left me wondering, how far should I go with my friendships when I know that I'll be leaving in less than 6 months. I mean, you can never go wrong with pursuing a person in a friendship... but I know how it feels to be abandoned, or at least feel like it... and so how far do I go untill I leave somone else feeling abandoned. its a new thought on my mind.
I think thats all for now.

sweet dreams,
may you have a hand to hold to dissapear with,
Laurel

P.S.- I forgot tomention how much I love running in the rain. I absolutely love it.

You stole my Songs

If I could scream, I'd scream at you. I tell everyone I b r o k e your heart, but I think you broke mine. you took the first bit of my heart and crushed it. you took my tears and silenced my laughter. you stole all of my songs and all of my words. you stole my songs and my favorite passage. you took what was mine and tore it apart. you wrecked everything. Everything that I was good at. everything that I was proud of. YOU STOLE MY SONGS.



and I want them back.

useles ramblings

So its one of those nights when I have nothing to say, and am dead tired, but for some reason I don't want to go to bed. Maybe cuz its one of those nights when I have a bajillion things bouncing around in my mind. ok, maybe more like 6. but still. thats a rediculous amount. let me tell you about them!
-I am serious about being a skater this summer.... I need a board. but I need money.
-To get money I need a job.
-Job and money help me get to school next year. lets not get started on that.
-My Big fat greek wedding- 'Look who's back AGAIN' 'It was... It was my twin.' 'and I, I am Gus'
-Boys.
-and a few phylisophical thoughts that are WAY beyond my comprehension at this time of day, and who KNOWS why they are floating around up there.

ok, here's todays story. So, I'm running around (literally) during 2nd cuz its valedictorian voting. and I gotta get the spare people together to vote. which is a mess. PLUS I'm looking for someone we seemed to loose along the way who's on the committee. so I'm running around kinda frantic, becasue somehow I end up doing everything. and I'm speed walking down the hallway, and I see the hot ODS guy that I've been chatting with a few times in the hall. yeah. unfortunately I kinda had to brush him off cuz Iwas in such a hurry. I think he hates me now. oh well. its not even that big of a deal. but sadly that was the highlight of my day. pathetic, hey? oh well.....
no... the highlight of my day is right now listening to Waking Ashland. I've been REALLY enjoying them alot lately. they are just too good.

So, I decided that If I don't get the job that I'm applying for right now, I'm gonna spend the summer at camp. now, I know, its not really a good theory, but I really have no sense of where I should be this summer, and I am ok with just falling into something. And it may be a job, and it may be camp. either is fine with me. and both have their pros and cons. so I'll just go with the flow.

ok, this is getting to be too much for me . I need to go to sleep.

sweet dreams,
may all of your thoughts never keep you from sleep,
Laurel

Cry Myself to Sleep

Today has been VERY frustrating. I don't even know where to start. but boy do I hate mondays. With tuesday math tests. and 5th period world religion tests. and nagging mothers, and friends that need more than I can give. And a forign trip bouncing at the back of my mind the entire time.
Tommorow is my meeting with my parents financial.... person.
and mom....just nagged me about the summer. I know she doesn't mean to nag, its just... how she says it. you know that she wants you to know everything RIGHT NOW. and I dont' know anything. I am really overwhelmed, not only wiht the school work, but everything that is the future. I mean, sure, its great that I have next year figured out, but honestly sometimes I think It'd be easier not to. to be ok with not knowing like Iwas before. to have no pressure. now its coming at me from all sides. From my mom, from my friends, from my brothers, from my neighbors, from aquantances, from the financial angle, from the social angle, from the emotional angle. From freeking EVERYWHERE because 'going to england... thats a big deal, hey?' darn right it is!
I dunno. my stress level is much increased.... so far to the point of... numbness... again. too much of this year has been spent in utter numbness. too many extreame emotions. sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. how can I take a plane by myself to england like I know what I'm doing? too often I come across like I know what I'm doing... the truth is I'm really good at pretending.
The REAL truth is... I'm really tired, and I could cry myself to sleep at this point. and what I want more than anything is to climb into the arms of someone and fall asleep there and not worry about what time I wake up or if I have all of my assignments done.... but thats not gonna happen anytime soon, as we all know, so I'm gonna push in and do some english... because I've already comitted suicide by attempting and completing a mere two math assignments out of 10. I guess thats better than none, right?

sweet dreams,
may tommorow be better than today,
Laurel

Rainy Day Thoughts

The reality of going to England really hit me today. Mom and I went shopping, and bought some luggage for me to take. And we looked at 'smart' cloths for me to wear on sundays in England. Its really scary for me to think that after the next three months I'll be one of those 'students' that I've looked up to for the last six years of my life. I'll be one of those broke students that cant' afford to buy milk (I don't even drink it, but you catch my drift). Mom keeps on telling me that there is enough money for me to get to england in my education fund, but I mean, I'm already spending more than half of it on one year, never mind the spending money I'll need. This looking for a job thing is really not fun. Especially when I feel God's leading me to work at camp this summer where I'll make a max of $1400, with support letters. See, I also feel that God wants me to go out to BC again before I get to england. ....but maybe thats just me missing Jeremy. I dunno. cuz then I was thinking I could go to camp in BC (at stillwood) but then I'm away from home for 11 months, and thats way too much for me. 9 months is alot already.
..... I don't want a job. I want to go to camp, and hang out with a bunch of girls all summer, and be the cool couselor. And then I wanna come home from camp and spend a moth perfecting my skateboarding abilities waiting to fly to england.
as for the smart cloths.... I NEVER dress classy, so this whole 'smart' thing, is really hard. so my plan is to do ALOT of thrift shop hopping to find some good 'dress clothes' that are more of my style. I'm stoked to wear my new plaid skirt in england. its gonna be perfect!
I dunno. this is really scary for me now. its alot of money. and a big deal. I dont' really feel ready to be an adult, and be responsible. and to.... be mature. I still wanna be a kid. I know it sounds really stupid, but I'm really scared to be a grown up. to live on my own. to have a job and support myself. to go grocery shopping by myself. that all scares me SO so much. to make my own doctor's appointment, and buy my own stationary supplies. to clean the house. to cook for myself. its all a bit scary for me.
I dunno. its all becoming very real for me.

talk to you soon
may you enjoy todays rain, and listen to the perfect music to go with it.
Laurel