A tough night

"When do my parents get home" I was asked by Tyler Harms. I was caught off guard, and by the second, maybe third time I knew that he didn't realize exactly what he was asking. Stunned I inadequately answered 'in a bit' the way I answer the 5 year old twins I sometimes babysit. Looking over, I see a picture of Dwayne sitting with his dogs, Farther, a picture of his hand, adorned by a wedding band resting on his bible, a bit closer, family pictures with him standing and beaming.
Talking to Janet on the way home, I forgot myself, and Talked freely about my dad.... and his recovory, forgetting that Dwayne didn't HAVE a recovery. That opened the door to talk everything Dwayne.... and how the kids are doing. I hate the fact that those kids hurt so much. I'm thrown back to that day, when Ashlynn wept in my lap. when we had to escape everything Camp, and just sit, sometimes we laughed, more often we cried. Now, we just pretend that that isn't there. But I see it, I see the responsibility that Ashlynn has taken on, I see the fear behind Tyler's eyes... how he doesn't know what comes next, that he told Janet that it will still be six months before he's happy again. He talked about killing himself. Tyler hurts so much, and I am so... not there anymore. I'm there now and then to spring some laughs into their days.... make studying fun, and make supper.
Its just.... I can't imagine what its like for those kids. I mean... I knew what it was like when Dwayne got sick... my dad was sick too. But Dad lived. Dwayne didn't. But were you to ask dwayne who should have died... without hesitation he would say himself.... thats how dwayne was.... when He was sick, he still asked how dad was doing. Do you know why Dad didn't go to the funeral? Because the last time he saw dwayne, Dwayne passed him running and Dad was walking. That never EVER happened, Dad always passed Dwayne running, dwayne was slower than dad, and we all knew it. Yet Dad was the one who lived. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, I mean... we all had so many years with him... Ashlynn only got 12, Tyler, 10. Thats not fair.
The Morning Dwayne Died, I spent an hour, at exactly 1:00 in the morning, I spent an hour praying for Dwayne's life. I woke up so suddenly, and had this urge to pray for dwayne. I knew he died that morning. and I hate that. I hate that I expected it all day. I hate that I wasn't surprised when I saw Janet talking to Jim, or when Jim walked over to me.
I hate that I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. But it sucks. It sucks seeing these kids so low, and trying to hide it. It sucks going over to their house for 5 hours, knowing that talking about its too hard, so for a few hours you try to make them forget. and then they do, and things like 'my parents' pop out.... and I can't even respond.
Sorry. Tonight is a bit hard, and I knew it would be.

Living in NeverNeverLand would be hard
I couldn't live without parents

Laurel

Eye Spy

HEY!
So...... Erinn and I are sitting in the library during life trans and WE ARE BORED!!! sooooooo... this is the game we are going to play.......

Lets play Eye spy!! I'll describe what we see... you guess what it is! that sounds like fun... the first person to guess right wins....... a CYBER HUG! hahaha!

I spy with my little cyber eye something that is.....

This object is in a glass box and is desplayed on a manican- of the male variety. there is a poppy adorining the breast and it is ajoined by multiple medals. The stomach is decorated with four gold cirlce figures as are the wrists. WHAT IS IT?!?!


on your marks... get set.... GO!


and they're off..... and the first person to guess is........


Laurel

Christianity......?

I hate it when people say that God feels so far away... because DUH! he's always here! but wait... oh, blast it, here it comes......
I've been doubting. Doubting EVERYTHING there is to doubt about god. Just the simple things that arent' so simple.... Like... Does God REALlY expect me to follow all of these rules that were written over two thousand years ago? how do they apply? how does he know what I'm going through... when Jesus lived there wasn't all of this shit around? Like, does he really know what its like? Sure he does... he's allways here right? but does he have to LIVE it? FEEL it? CHOOSE it? yeah.... I didn't think so. Know what else? I really want to know how many people ACTUALLY spend time in the bible/with god EVERY SINGLE DAY? like... honestly? how many people preach it? how many people follow through? I sure don't. I don't have time for that. Sure... instead of blogging I could be with god.... but really....
I dunno. Its just..... I don't even know. Lies. its all Lies. But over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.... you start to believe it. Then you live it. and it becomes habit. and thats what sucks, breaking a bad habit.
I don't know. Sometimes I want out. out of this lifestyle. out of this image. I'm tired of doing what I do just so protect the christian image. I'm tired of loosing myself in other peoples ideas of who I am and who I should be, and what I should believe. I'm tired of letting others dictate who I am depending on who I call God. Or what. Look, I'm not bashing/ dumping christianity.... its just, I'm tired of the image. Tired of the dictated lifestyle.
Let me know. What you think..... what you dissagree with, what you agree with.... what you want to know. As christians there is too much that we don't talk about... So I'm talking about those moments when we doubt. Let me know.

Flying is easier with abounding happy thoughts
Laurel

Walls

Have you ever been so scared of something? like, more than the dark?
Brick by brick you build a wall, between you and everyone else. You think you know what your doing, but before you know it, there is this thing bigger than you are, and its almost out of control. Someone tries to climb the wall, but its too high. Someone else tries to break it down, but its too strong. This wall, is unbreakable, because you've added in a few secret moves, your hands are always hidden, your eyes are always moving, and your words are never what you mean. What you are to people is not real. You've lost yourself in this wall, and you can't take it down, because it will crumble on you, and you WILL get hurt. Trying to scale the wall makes it taller and taller, stronger and stronger. Its never ending. Its a cycle. But all you want is to let someone in. You get tired of this wall, but you don't know how to take it down. Look, My wall is too high. I am scared, and I need someone to hold my hand while I break it down.

My window is cautiously left open for you
Laurel

Untitled

Listening to you sing
Hearing your voice
And seeing your face
Reminds me of all those moments

then there is you
and the type
with the certanty
Makes me wonder what could be

I sit in the presant
Looking at the past
and what could have been
Making out the future
is harder, but more real

All I want is a hand to hold
and someone to talk to
But my nights are empty
And my heart is broken
a little bit tonight

Lonely

Lately I've felt so lost. In everything in life. At school, with my friends, and with God. Its like I am so out of place no matter where I am, sometimes even at home. I could sit and watch TV or movies for hours, and I do, or read. Just somehow get lost in the lives and stories of others, to forget who I am for a while. Sometimes I get lost in the music, sometimes in my thoughts, but it all comes back to what I don't want.... my life right now, and everything that is real. All the small things aren't so small right now. Everything is important. Everything is surreal. Everything is fake.
I get lost in everything around me, and forget why I am here. I loose who I am in a moment, and put on masks of who I want to be in that moment. I'm so tired of pretending things. So tired of beating around the bush in everything... not really saying what I really want to say . But I sit here continually typing, but not telling you what inside I am screaming. Its so dumb, the lies we tell ourselves. The lies Satan tells us. I've recognised a few in my life this week, and it sucks, working agaist it. I've been humbled a few times too this week. This week has been hard. and so long. I'm ready to curl up and watch a movie by myself tonight.

I want to fly away tonight,
Laurel

SEX (dum dum dum)

We're talking about sex right now in Life Trans- Did you know that The Majority of Girls have a sexual experience by the time they are 15? isn't that unreal? I'm sitting here, two months short of 18, without ever even holding a guy's hand.... the most I've ever done with a guy is sit beside them. maybe hug them. No jokes. I honestly must be the only person in my entire school that has done NOTHING with a person of the opposite sex. Except for Justin... but he's gay, so that's a different story. I don't know how I feel about this... considering we're talking about sex in school, and I have to do an 'action plan' on my 'sexual health' ...how rediculous is that, me, the only one in the class to have never done anything, being the ONLY one to do a sexual heath action plan.... kinda ironic isn't it?
at the same time... what I do I have to complain about, its not like I've ever really told a guy that I like him and am interested in something more than friends... because I honestly don't think Im ready for something. I dunno. Its a funny thing... relationships wiht the opposite sex.
Well, I really should be off... its time for life trans... and I haven't done a thing with my spare today... again, even tho I vowed today would be the first of many. YEAH RIGHT.

I keep watch at my window... hoping you'll come soon
Laurel

Hide and Seek

Imogen Heap
Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
A mess with peopleWould stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and Tears
They were here first
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
Hmm, what'd you say? mmm, that it's all for the best?
Of course it is.
Hmm, what'd you say? mmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this?
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit(Hide and Seek)
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs(Hide and Seek)
Speak no feeling, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a, you don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

"Hey Laurel, Whats up?"

You say. "oh not much" is my reply. Fallout boy is attempting to be a screamo band playing in my ears, I think someone is Mad at me, and My one friend is in a serious Crisis.
Like, not even close to joking. hm? specifics, you ask? well... as a result of a couple of major things, his marks have dropped alot, he got a speading ticket, and I haven't seen him at church in a couple of weeks. which is huge. So... what do I do? I have started Operation Wild Goose. Whats the Plan Stan? haha, if only I knew. But those of you who may know what or who I am talking about... PLEASE I need your help.... HE needs your help, we need to do something! if only to let him know that we're here for him at this time.... that this situation sucks butt, and we're here for him no matter what! thats what friedns and youth groups are for..... to stand by your friends, and support them. WE NEED TO SUPPORT HIM. PLEASE help me help him. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not even close to having an Idea. If I was a boy, I would have a sleep over with him. Maybe we should go for coffee with him. Movie night? all I'm doing is comming up with worse and worse Ideas. HELP!!I need someone else on board with me!
On another note...... My mom is on the phone and I totally want to be on the phone. but she's gonna talk for the next 3 hours... which makes me DOOOOOOMED (dum dum dum). I'm in a rather random mood tonight. I watched a totall of 3 family channel shows... wich are all quite amusing. aand this awkward headache JUST set in. wow. does it ever hurt. I think I have to go on a TV/Comuter fast... I spend WAY too much time on both. I pretty much do nothing else. how bad is htat? AND I owe amanda $5... which I dont' have. CRAP. that sucks.
da da da da da.... I am bored. I took some pictures today. Finished my roll. now I have 2 to get developed.... which will determine if I'm actually good a photography. I hope they turn out alright... cuz then the cameera is actually mine. sweet deal hey? I'm stoked. hey... I should go and make my christmas list.. mom's been harpin gme all day.
PLEASE... if you have any ideas... LET ME KNOW.

Operation Wild Goose is in effect
Laurel

You were the last good thing about this part of town

The last little while deep inside my head, I've spent alot of time thinking about Dwayne. and that one day, and that week. Everything about it. Even the small things. Like when I was washing my face in the bathroom and Wendy came in to tell me that Zach was looking for me, and he'd brought me an extra blanket and heater from my mom. And then my mom drove almost an hour just to walk to the beach with me, and make sure I was ok. All I wanted all that day was just to see my mom, and she came. And the 5 minutes I stole to listen to screaming music in my cabin by myself. And how all I needed was to go for a run.... but Ididn't cuz Ididn't have any shoes good for running. The drive back to saskatoon. I wish I was sitting in the back, staring out the window the entire time... but Zach claimed the back, and talked to Derek the whole time. Its funny... I just realized how big a part Zach played in that week, but kinda not really at the same time. But then.. if he wasn't there, I wouldn't have lasted the week. Its crazy the way things are ochistrated by god. And that week totally was. I don't know why I've been thinking about it so much lately... I just have.
ITs taken me so long to get past some things as far as Dwayne goes... Like the kids. I never see them anymore... which is so dumb. and I need to change it... but its so, hard at the same time too, yah know? like the fact that as a church we are looking for a new pastor. thats so wierd. and so hard. and sometimes I dont' want a new pastor.... I like things the way they are... withthe board, and guest speakers... I don't want a replacement pastor. But then we need one. we need direction, and a shepherd. and no one can ever or will try to replace dwayne.
Its like... looking back at all those times I took dwayne for granted, and didn't pay attention during service. or the meetings.
I dunno. I'm not thinking all of this in a sad way. like.. I"m not depressed.... I'm just reflecting. I think it takes me longer to mourn than most other people. I dunno. Take this for what it is.... a few thoughts... and nothing more. Because thoughts are like the wind, and come and go with the wind.

Laurel

A few thoughts to start the week

Ok, call me a girl, because I am, I just like to pretend I'm not sometimes.... but right now I'm listening to Jessie McCartney. And its perfect for right now. I don't know how to explain it. My mood is totally indescribable. its like when someone asks you who you like, and you honestly can't tell them, and its not because you dont' like anyone... you just.... don't like somone, but maybe like somone. its like that right now for me too. Its like I am content being who I am and doing exactly what I'm doing in this exact moment. I have nothing to complain about, and I have nothing really exciting to tell you about. I'm totally indescribable right now. and I kinda love it.
Its like, you know that someone's doing something, but they don't know that you don't know, and you'll ruin it for them if you tell them, I mean, not like its a bad thing... is like picking your nose in public, no one's supposed to notice, so they don't say anything.
Things like that get me. Why cant' I sing in public? like when I'm shopping... why do I get hushed? I like to sing in the mall. And dance.... I love to dance to the crappy music in the stores... like, in VV today.... terrible music.... like, horrible... perfect for dancing....
Why are we so ashamed to show who we really are? I'm saying this including myself... because I am so guilty of it. but, like, why? if God created us special and unique, why do we push so hard to be like everyone else? to look the same, dress the same, talk the same, walk the same, and do all the same things- listen to the same music, watch the same movies, play the same games. I am a 17 year old girl listening to the same music as some eleven-teen year old girl that thinks Jessie is hot. (ok, so I think he's hot... but that's besides the point). Does that make me strange? or the fact that I am wearing a bright green sweatshirt? how about the fact that I got more out of a CC night than I have gotten out of a youth night in a long time? sure... I felt really out of place... but I got fed. What does that say about me? that I can sit at home and be so different, but when it comes to a monday morning, deciding what I'm going to wear, all that croses my mind is who is gonna see me and what they are going to think of me?
Maybe that comes from the way I judge people. I know I do. and its so bad. I can be so cruel. and I hate that. if people really knew what I really thought of them, or what they were wearing, or my first impressions of people.... alot of people would hate me. cuz I'm brutal. and I hate that. I'm learning self-control. Thats what god has set before me on a platter.... forcing me to eat it... self control. and its hard. you'd think that it'd be the easiest fruits.... but I think its on of the hardest, alot of things follow self control.... every part of my lifestyle needs self control. the desisions I make, the thoughts I think, the words I say, the things I do, everything is influenced by my self control.

Right now... I have a decision to make... I have the opportunity to influence the way my youth group is run for the rest of the year. but there is a convorsation that I have to have before anything happens. please pray for me while I decide weather or not to do this, and how to go about it. t

My window is only half shut now.
Laurel

I'm feeling so tired and so lonely. I havent' slept all week. Why? pffffft, how would I know? Lonely.... why? Because I continue to walk down the hallway every day and have meaningless convorsations and telling people that I'm good when really I'm not. ok, so maybe its like the used's song 'I'll be just fine pretending I'm not' but hey... inside... I'm not. k? I know... I've spent the entirety of this year complaning about my situation, when in other places in the world people are dealing with much worse things than being lonely. But this is me, and this is real.
Its like all those times we said we'd talk.... and then didn't. or go for coffee... and didn't. or go for a walk... and didn't. I've been counting, keeping track. And thats why I'm lonely. Not because I don't have friends like I like to claim, but because my 'friends' aren't really there for me. they don't call me, I call them. They dont' follow through with their plans, and their promises are so empty. You have no idea how much it hurts to be at someone's house all night, and never talk to them. or to be waiting all night for a phone call that never comes. I am SO tired of being dissapointed, being let down, and left alone.
Do you remember that girl? that one that used to stay out till 3 am, talking and laughing? the one that would beg her parents to go out on a school night? the one that planned youth events? the one that didn't put on a face, because she was ACTUALLY happy? Yeah... I think I remember her. I think her name was Laurel. I wonder where she went?

I don't want your pity. Please don't post some comment saying we can go out some time. Because I know that won't happen. Please don't post and say you're sorry, because if you are really sorry, you will phone. And don't phone out of obligation, because you feel sorry for cute little Laurel. Phone becuase you want to. You KNOW I want more than anything to take the time out of my day to get to know you. to talk to you. to drink coffee and go for walks with you. More than anythign thats what I want. I have no schedule. I have nothing taking up my day. all I need is a time and a place. And someone there to meet me.

Its like Peter Pan flew out my window for the last time,
Laurel

Comment One

Thats right... I just comment one'd myself. for those of you who are unaware... Comment 1 is a statement made by the males of ODS-> 'Typical Woman'. Now, what is the fuss all about you ask? some would say nothing... to me, its everything (comment one).
They are calling it the Snowflake Ball. or something like that. More commonly known as the Annual Grade 12 Winter formal. Now.... The poster clearly states that the $15 admission fee gets you a turkey dinner and a dance, to be escorted by your escort who may or may not be from another school. Now, the unspoken rules are as follows:
1) if you do not go... you are commiting social sucide
2) If you do go, and are NOT escorted, you are commiting homicide on the fun that you will [not] be having.
3) If you go, and your escort is of the same sex (like... going as friends) you are commiting DOUBLE social suicide, because you are labelled from then on out as a homosexual.
4) its formal... dress FORMAL. and by formal I mean buy another grad dress.

Whats the problem? shell out $30, grab a guy, put on your dress and GO! you say to me. HELL NO! thats not how it works for me. where does the $30 come from is the first issue at hand. THEN what am I going to wear? and where is THAT money comming from? and then.... who am I going to ask? I must say my list of options inside AND outside of school are rather thin. I've asked Ashley... but that is STILL suicide. oh... don't worry, a guy will ask you. you say. pffffft.... have I not mentioned that I am 94% loner?
oh... what do I do? I could avoid ALL of this and not go. and commit suicide. This is my ONE chance at breaking free from my loner cage.
and so yes... no man would ever have this inner turmoil. but I do. Comment one.

So this is my desperate plea... if you are male, and willing to sacrifice one saturday evening to get dressed up, eat turkey and dance with me, PLEASE let me know!
And my not so desperate plea... if you have a dress I could borrow.. or shoes, may I please borrow it?

I so desperately need your help.

Laurel

And you said, I'm Falling Falling for you Babe, and my Feelings are Getting Stronger

This weekend... I continued to descover who I am. what I like to do. We spent the weekend in Maidstone, which was kidna fun. I went for a couple of walks, and took a few rad pictures. I hope they turn out... because if they turn out good... I think I've decided that photography is my thing. thats what I like to do. I also think It'd be great... to take my boring life as it is, my journey of becoming who I am, and write a book, and put some of my pictures in it.
I'm learning how to dream. To dream big dreams, but ones I can reach. ones I can accomplish. and as I slowly reach my goals, life starts to feel good again. I feel like my life has meaning, and that the hours spent in desks aren't so bad, becuase the minutes between desks are becoming more bearable.

Isn't it so funny how some days can be so good, and others so bad? The other day I begged God for one Good Day. Just one. he gave me three. Somtimes, when things get really bad, or seem really bad, I think God just wants us down on our knees, on the verge, or AT the state of brokenness... being real with him. Thats all he wants from us, is for us to be real, to cut the crap that we call prayer, and just talk to him. Thats what I did the other day. I talked with my God. Ok, so maybe I swore at him. But I was real. I said what I wanted and needed to say and cut the crap.

Well... thats my thoughts for now.

My window is open
And I'm still waiting for Peter Pan

Laurel

Really Random

Firstly, I would like to apologize to anyone who read my last blog... it was only posted for a few hours, but I am aware of a few people that read it. That was how I was feeling, and I needed someone to know. All I am apologizing for is the profanity used. When I am frustrated, that is how I think, and how I pray. I am sorry that you had to get a glimpse of what my mind is like.
Its funny. After I posed yesterday, I was reminded of a convorsation I had with someone, about being a 'good christian kid' but wanting that freedom of a 'bad kid' to do 'bad things'. I felt like I had done something 'bad'. .....enough about that.
I'm off to my grandma's house for the weekend, and will be stuck in a technology wastland. OH! I just thought of something.... I can take movies.. cuz she has a DVD player! SWEET!
I've descovered my long lost love for electropop. its wierd, I know, but I like the wierdness of it all. the odd comogulation of sounds that create what we call music. its beautiful.
I'm taking a camera to maidstone this weekend... so maybe I'll descover my lost talent of photography. wish me luck.

I watched this movie last night. I'm not sure what I think of it yet. there was ALOT of nudity, (I closed my eyes/ fast forwarded, don't worry) which is the ONLY downside. The story line, and the metaphores that the director used was profound. it was one of the BEST movies I've seen in a LONG time. it was real. it was not some fantasy. it showed people with real thoughts and real lives. I mean, sure, to make it interesting, they had these REALLY WONKY quirks about them. They loved filmnography, and that was their lives, they descussed it, reinacted it, and took the concepts from films and applied it to life, they hated the facists, but in the end, they became facists themselves. they hated wierd people, but in the end they were the weird people. they didn't like outsiders, but in the end, they were the outsiders. It was so cool. I love movies that are REAL. that are artsy. I like artsy things. I like to look at art. I like to lookat photography. I like to watch films.

So... I'm the only one packed and ready to go... and mom put a time restraint on ME. what is that? I can pack in like 10 minutes. and shower and be ready in 30. And she hates the fact that I am sitting on the computer typing.... she thinks I should be doing somthing useful. the only ohter thing I could be doing is packing the van... but mom will redo it anyways... so there is no point.

I read a friends blog today. He listed his dream girl's qualities. ITs really interesting to see what people look for in the opposite sex. One thing I really noticed (not only in him, but myself, and others) is that what you really want is someone who cares about YOU. its not so much whats inside of the other person, what makes them them, but how they will treat you, if they will accept everythign about you. He said that he probably this girl is just a dream girl. But I think that if what your looking for is complete acceptance, the person you are supposed to marry (your soul mate as some call it) will give you everything you need. they will love everything about you. thats what love is about, isnt' it? its funny tho... we say we love somany people, that we love everyone... but still we judge people constantly. Ususally upon apearance. I am so bad for that. I will see how someone dresses and make immediate assumptions about them.
Bah. this is getting long, and all I'm doing is rambling, and not really saying anything at all... pretty much just wasting time.
Have I ever told you that its my dream to write a book? well, it is.
anyways.... I will talk to you later.... aka on sunday.
Laurel

Another Girl

At the end of the road
I'm just another girl.
Someone else who admires
the man that you are.
Another face in the crowd
Another girl that you ignore.

Sure, we talk.
we've laughed, even cried
But what does that mean to you?
what do I mean to you?
I'm just another girl
another heart
and another face.

how many times have I been there?
caught you when you fell?
Laughed, when it wasn't funny?
Smiled, because you needed
to know that someone was there.
I was there.

But I will always be another girl
with another heart
and another face.

What Can I Do For You My Lord?

What Can I do for you my Lord?
I want you to know My heart is yours
Its not a question of what you can do for me
But what can I do for you my Lord?

I have this vision.... and it goes something like this:
There is a building downtown. The lights are always on in this building. The windows have curtains in them, bright and welcoming. The door has some catchy name sprawled on it, letting people know what is inside. inside... there is a 'bar', with bar stools. at this 'bar' coffee and ice cream are served (among other things).... depending on the season. sattered throughout the hardwood floor are tables and chairs. the tables are adorned simply with a piece of colored paper and crayons/markers. near the back (aka the front) of this building is a stage, seemingly bare, but will soon be filled with a band. A band with no certain genre... perhaps christian... but not nessisarily. The walls are scribed with Scripture, artwork, and there is room for more.... there are paintbrushes and paint on an easel.
Accross from the bar, is a HUGE mirror. This is for during the day, this place is a dance studio, for those kids that can't afford dance lessons. Or maybe It is something else. who knows?

I don't know. There is some reason for me loving music, but not being musical. for me loving ice cream and coffee. some reason that I can scrawl scripture with ease, but not be artistic. some reason that I LOVE to dance, but have no desire to be famous. Can you put all of those things together? can you come up with some way to create a safe place for kids? there is nothing left in saskatoon for teenagers to hide in. nowhere where God is the center, but the adults are NOT in charge. What if this place was 'church' on sundays? what if....? there are so many possiblities. all it is is a question of what I can do for my god? and what he's gonna do with my heart. he has started to change it already. I just need direction. I will go anywhere. my next year is so uncertain. but I LOVE the thought of Going and doing a DTS, getting a degree in missions stuff, but not 'international studies'. something more close to home. I Love the thought of making church cool. I love the thought of going out into the world... and then coming back home. I know that no matter where I go, I will always return to saskatoon. I know that no matter what I do, it will have something to do with Kids and teens. I know that I can teach. I know that I can do background things. I know alot of things.

But what Can I do for you my Lord?

Laurel

It goes like this.....
There is a guy. And a girl. And this girl likes this guy. She tells him. He dates another girl. Months pass. He dates another girl. But this girl still likes this guy. Even tho another guy likes this girl. She tells him she likes another guy. The girl tries not to like the guy, but it doesn't work. She wants to tell him, but she can't. Last time her heart got broken a little bit. Sometimes All she wants is to hold his hand. Sometimes he says things, and she gets butterflies. This girl likes this guy, but she doesn't know if he likes her.

Fix You

Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When your too in love to let it go

If you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from the mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I'm still waiting for peter pan to fly to my window

Laurel

Good morning Sunshine!

I have half an hour before I have to go and be at CNH place. My throat is the embodyment of Death, and my heart is pounding in my head, and my chest is full [of crud]. But, I'm so excited to go back!
This weekend has been AMAZING so far... I've met this super cool security Guard, her name is Sarah Jane, and she makes me laugh every time she cheks my pass! she's just super sweet, and alot of fun!! I lead a girl to christ yesterday, in the tent, she had some questions, and God provided me with some answers. He was in totall control of the situation, which was perfect, because in my mind I was screaming for help. it was hte scariest, most unbelievable thing I have EVER done. I visited with Nikki last night, which was super good.... to see her and everything. I also saw kendra, which.... I dunno, was a little sketchy.... I mean, she hugged me like 5 times.. and I hardly know her. whatever. Plus it was WAY awkward. And I saw Cole, which was cool, considering I'm banned from talking to him or about him.
um... Ashley's coming up for breakfast, so I should go, and eat, and get ready to go.
hm. one thought before I go tho. Life is so much more than seeing people, haing awkward convorsations. Meeting people, and liking Them. I don't know what this thing we Call life is all about. and I dont' knnow what I'm going to be doing with mine. but I know I want to make a difference. I want to get to know people. see past their masks. I want to talk to people without my mask. Its that freedom that we christians say we have, but forget to put on in the morning. Its like... how many of us ACTUALLY put on the armor of God everydya? and ASK for the fruits? and USE our gifts? I want to use EVERYTHING That God has given me to use. its like.. the fountain is RIGHT there, and you are thirsty, but you go looking for water. I don't know.
These are the ramblings of me at 8:30 in the morning... working on a running total of 16 hours of sleep all weekend.
Have a good day everyone. May God bless you throughout the day. And may you see, and use his wonders.
Laurel

Update on the weekend

So, Its 9:35 am, and Ashley is still sleeping, and I wish I was. I am SO tired! we went to bed at 1:00 last night... we didn't get home till 12:30. And, we have to be back at CNH place.... anytime now... we HAVE to be there by noon tho. After that....? Ashely and I are there till midnight again. and tommorow we have to be there from 8:00 am till takedown. I AM DEAD ALREADY!!! awe. and now I have the hiccups. I had a nosebleed last night, and I had to wait untill someone could cover the booth for me before I could do anythign about it...s o I just sniffed it back. it was sick. yeah, and it was during KJ-52. so dissapointing. he didn't even do the song 'my name is KJ aka kj-52.........'. I was thouroughly dissapointed. oh well. so... pretty much I have to go and wake up ashley, eat breakfast, get dressed, and figure out what we're doing for food today. and get some coffee. that could be good. CONSIDERING IT SNOWED!! what is this? snow? AHHHH! why? the roads are like death.... at least with ashley driving! haha.. just kidding! but htey arent' the nicest.
ok, its time to go.
Laurel

IIIIIIIIITSSSSSSS FRIIIIIIIDAY!

So it has started... the whirlwind that will be my weekend!! I'm so excited to see how God moves this weekend.... its gonna be SO GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
haha! I'm so excited.. I can't even put it into words!!
So it only JUST occured to me that it is 11:30, and hte only thing I've eaten today is a banana. so I'm eating some leftover mac and cheese
I wonder if I should be taking some food? nah. we can buy some.

ok.. so as I burn my mouth.... I should go!!! have a fabluous day!!
Laurel

WEENIE

I'm the hugiest WEENIE EVER!! no jokes. I just proved it to myself. I AM A WEENIE. Elaborate? you ask? haha, not in a million years, that would be defying my weenie-ness.
I like to leave things as they are. I don't like to make a fuss, or anything. and... sometimes that makes me into the biggiest weenie. and thats what I am right now. like, I beat the weenie master (aka Nathan), and thats PRETTY DARN HARD.
how do you make yourself into the person you're dying to be? how do you change the small things about yourself that drive you nuts. and I'm not talking about that pudge that is my stomach, or the fact that I [don't] think I'm ugly. I mean, the stuff on the inside, the stuff that matters. Like, how do I create courage? My life trans teacher said that the one thing he liked most about me was my courage, he even described me as a 'fire ball'. if only he knew. I lack alot of courage. sure, I stand out in my class, because I am different, and don't plan on changing that... but what if I can't even talk to a guy? k, so there is this guy (this isnt quite the point of this blog.. actually its totally different, but its a good story, so thats why I'm telling you) that I see EVERY day at school, right after first. as I walk to my locker, I pass the CUTEST boy in the hallway, usually he's at HIS locker, getting what he needs to go to art class (which in itself is REALLY hot). He sometimes wears this black sweater with white and yellow stripes, and he wears girl jeans and all stars. and his hair is dyed black. but its curly, but its still SO cute. so.... do I know his name? nope. what grade he's in? nope. anything about him? nope. but I think he's cute!!
HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO weenie! thats me! thats me!
anyways.... thats all I've got for today.

Laurel

(The Symphony Of) Blasé Lyrics

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)

God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't rightThis is our last (This is our last)

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our goodbye
This is where love ends

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends


Somtimes people catch hold of you. Sometimes you get caught up in things. read into things. assume things. Sometimes a relationship seems akward. Less than it should be. Strange. Too much. Sometimes its easier to leave things as they are.
But wait. if you leave things as they are, will you spend the rest of your life thinking 'what if...?' do you want to do that?
This blog has been weeks in the making. it started a few weeks ago, and its still going hard. This song, its exactly how I feel sometimes. Sometimes its that one verse. Sometimes its the chorus. But at every moment, this song is permeating my thoughts, invading who I am.
'I don't want to be here even now' - Sometimes I don't even know where to go. how to escape everything, where to run. all I know is I don't want to be here. and 'I don't want to be by your side.' Its like, you need to be with that person, but it hurts too much to be by their side.
'God if you can hear me out alright, Please take these feelings for [him] inside'- Its like.... you know you can't like him, but you do, so how do you stop it? how do you change how you feel? 'It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)' It kills you to even try, but you do anyways.
Being 17 sucks. maybe it isn't even 17. sometimes I wish I could blame this on my raging hormornes.... but I don't think that is a factor anymore.... 6 years ago it was... but not now. what is it? is it my nievity? 'Are you so naive to right and wrong, How could you watch innocence forgone' - I don't know. I don't know what it is, but everything that I feel is just killing me inside.

Laurel