ode to music.

oh. how I wish I could play the piano. or the guitar. or something. as I continue to fill out the application for capernwray, and it asks me if I can play anything for worship, I mournfully had to answer no. is that not tradgic? yes, I believe so. how I love music. and my, how has music influenced my life... but what can I give back to music, but my ears? nothing! the tradgic sorrow of nothing!
I think music is the most romantic thing in the world. it doesn't matter how hard you try to prove it to be unromantic, you will always have to reply 'yes it is' to the question. because it is. nothing is more romantic than music. it has been present in every important moment in history. its true.

anyways... this is useless... but I don't really have anything better to do!

sweet dreams
may the soundtrack to your life be perfect in every moment,
Laurel

UGH!

Last night I went to bed at 9:45, and I woke up this morning around ten. I proceeded to have a 15 minute nose bleed, before my brain actually started working. NOW I kicking myself SO hard for not goin gto english this morning. Today was the first day of presentations, and mine is tommorow. frick. plus I'm supposed to be over at the church hosting and doing other stuff right now.... but thats not happening. ugh. and I don't even feel human. I haven't for some time. I'm just a zombie. I feel like I'm dead.
sorry, I have no intelectal, or even comprehensible thoughts right now. just pray for my sanity, k? thanks!

God bless
and may you never feel as dumb as I do,
Laurel

more rubbish

My life feels so... trapped. and so restricted. everything is always the same. Home. School. church. Friends. Life. There seems to be no creativity in my life, and I miss and need that so much. I'm dying to have this sem over, and its hardly started. I didn't go to school today because I am so tred of everything being the same dumbness. I'm so excited to go to england, and change things up. to have no expectations of me. of who I should be and how I should act.
I am so exhausted. ugh. again... I post a useless blog. I apologise for wasting your time. I had the intention to make this one a real winner, but apperently it has not turned out that way. One day I'll write a book. when I do, read that, it will be worth your time.

Laurel

Joy in the broken, good in the bad

So many times, I have sat and thought 'This is brokenness. This is the sate at which I become helpless. This is the point of no return." but somehow, my state of brokenness just deepens and deepens, but somehow, God also places Joy in my life. Can there be joy in brokenness? or is Joy perhaps the essance of Brokenness? I do not know, because it occured to me today that perhaps I have yet to experience true brokenness. Last night, I lay in bed and asked God "Why are you letting this happen? what Good can come from this?" because the entire situation in my life right now just deepens, expands, widens. But I do not know what can come as a result of this. good or bad. what could happen if nothing turns out the way its supposed to? I suppose that is the essance of faith, believing that there will be good in the face of bad. Faith can be so hard sometimes. Life can be hard. Life is hard. but there must be good in the bad, joy in the broken. but how long will I have to wait? and how will it come?

God bless,
Laurel

A loss of heart

Point the gun
Just pretend that it is time
Say the word and I will fire
Sometimes I get so tired
Of the ride
This word is worth then my life
Say the word and I will die

Let's leave this place
To say that we escaped
Well say that there's no difference between right and wrong tonight
We'll leave no trace of friends that we have made
So they can find us
And take what is ours

Take me far from
This less than perfect design
My contributions only go so far
Without monetary game for my heart
{excerpts from The Weakest by Emery}

Well... I've found myself really frustrated.... and in order to keep certain presons annonomous I may change names and certain cercumstances.
Today, a friend of mine came to me crying telling me that an aquantaince had talked to him and questioned his sexuality. this person had also said that a group of friends had been talking about this reciently.
What in the world would possess someone to make them ask someone such a question? and whose buisness is it? besides that person's? frick. its so frustrating. I don't know what this other person's story is, but it had better be good, because little do they know, that they hurt this person deeply, making them loose trust in many of his friends. frick. and they talked about him behind his back. ugh. I don't even know what to say. but I'm very frustrated right now.

may you never loose faith,
Laurel

humble pride?

I got to spend just over an hour with Ashley today. And we hardly touched the surface of what happened in Nicaragua. But she still taught me so much, in so little time. and with such short stories.
I live my life so selfishly. Everything is about me, and what I want. not what I need, because everything I need is handed to me on a silver platter. my entire life has been easy, and I'm starting to realize how good I have it, and how much I complain about what I dont have... which essentially, is nothing compared to SO many.
Life is about so much more than what I've been living for. Not that long ago I went to youth advance with Dan King to do some 24-7 stuff, and on the way back he asked me what I learned that weekend. I told him not much because of my gifting in service (the theme for the weekend was servants). But I was so wrong. too often I think that I can't learn anymore than I already know, and that is SO wrong for me to think. I do the easy service. the stuff that is on the surface, the stuff thats easy. And thats what the weekend there was about, going deeper than the surface service. Ashley went deeper this weekend, she allowed herself to be served, she allowed herself to be taught.... and I think that being humble before serving is something I've forgotten how to do, I've become prideful in my serving, with a 'look at me' attitude. Ashley did NOT come back and say LOOK AT WHAT I DID! rather, her pictures didn't even show the house she helped to build.... it showed the people she spent her time with, the relationships she built, the people that served her. the land that shook her to the core. The beauty of Gods creation. She told me of the things that blessed her, rather than the things and people that she had blessed.
too often I forget to be blessed by God.... I forget that he has a whole box of gifts waiting to be opened each morning, and in that I have become very prideful. I am prideful in my humility.
I think if we were all to learn to be genuinely humble in every aspect of our lives, the world would be a very different place to live. I need to start doing my part.

May blessings always bless you,
Laurel

ho hum

right now I'm just killing time. for about a half an hour. then.... I h ave to go and get the VP's signature so I can officially drop chem (haha, right now I'm blatantly skipping chem). Then, I'll go and drop it off at the guidance office, THEN I come home (this is all during my 3rd spare right?) and go to get a cavity filled. haha.... GREAT morning, huh? its ok, I feel very good about dropping this class. maybe becuase I've iced it over with this England thing. to say the least, I'm pumped. I'm so stoked. but I'm also scared beyond death. there are so many things that need to be done to live overseas.... but I have to get my application filled out first.its not a hard application, but I really suck at talking about myself. haha... THATS why I have blog. dang. thats real contradictory. sorry. Good thing the application doesn't ask what I'm good at. I hate those questions, cuz then I sound so concieded!
hm. I wonder if I should be eating NOW, before I have to go and get a cavity filled. hm. prolly a good idea. I'll talk to you later!

may God bless you in great amounts today,
Laurel

BIG NEWS!

ok, so I have two pieces of news today.
One: I am dropping Chem30. thats all there is to that one.
Two: I am deffenetly applying for Capernwray Hall in England for next year. I'm hoping to have my application in by mid- next week. scary much? YEAH! but exciting.... most deffenetly. I think I even have the finances figured out.
Today started out real crappy... but its ending good... especially since I haven't done ANY homework today. I feel really good about that. for real. something freeing about not doing what needs to be done! haha!

sweet dreams,
may tommorow be the today you dreamed of,
Laurel

Overwhelmed... and stressed.

So, the ever stressful, ever challanging life has been thrown back at me. Last night, it was an issue of what I want to do with the next year of my life, and ultimately my entire life.
This morning, its an issue of blatantly failing (43%) my chem test. What does that mean? I bomb the ENTIRE class, or I drop it. so drop it hey? oh! well... then I can't get into university. do I want to? who knows?! its good to keep your options open though. so then... my other option is to take bio. BUT its already a month into the sem, and too late to pick anything up, especially taking into account that my history of biology is no where near the same as that of my peers. PLUS I will never EVER do a dissection. so... I may be taking biology by correspondance... or online. who ever thought I'd volontairily take an online class? hah. not me.
so.. my life is back to its stressful rutine, where I am stressed to the point of constant headache, and nothing gets done becasue I am so overwhelmed. P.S. I might cry about this.
please, pray for me. this week is going to be really hard. I can tell. And I cant' really talk to Ashley about it when she gets back becasue she's gonna want to talk about her trip, and... welll.. my problems will seem petty compared to all she has to tell me. so.... I'll also return to bottling everything up and releasing it online for all you creeps to read about.

here's to skrewing up my life for good.
Laurel

To Every Dreamer.....

may you sail the stars in a piarate ship saving maidens in distress
may you always find joy in dangling your feet off the dock into the water
may you twirl in your skirt in a field full of flowers
may you always have a lady to rescue
may you always have a knight to rescue you
may your petals always end in 'he loves me'
may your words be forever haunting
may your smile be forever contagious
may your laugh be forever laughing
may your tears never be in mourning
may your love never be alone
may your balance be aided by a strong hand
may you always talk on the phone longer than expected
may your goodbyes never mean forever
may your greetings be always sincere
may the soundtrack of your life be perfect in every moment
may there always be joy in opening a present
may you always have a story read to you with the joy of a child
may the dark never be as frighening as you imagine
may there be a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow
may you always be able to color with crayons
may you enjoy every snowfall, to be followed with a snowball fight
may your tea always bring warmth
may your ice cream never fall on the sidewalk
may your dog always be your best friend
may you always have an ear to listen
may you always have a shoulder to cry on
may you always have arms to fall into
may you never be on the recieving end of a spitball
may you win every rock paper scizzors tournament
And may all of your life be as good as you dreamed

blessings, and never stop dreaming

No Tattoo, I guess.

Ok, so the last little while I've been seriously thinking of getting a tattoo while I'm in Abby visiting Jer. I found this site of this highly recomended place in vancouver (www.sacredhearttattoo.ca). And The only thing, I decided, that would stop me from branding myself with 'For me to live is christ and to die is gain' in arabic on my lower back, is the cost. well, the cheapest would be $80, and I think for mine it'd be more like $100. and I don't have that kinda money, right now.... so it looks like the excitement of my 18 year old rebellion will be delaid a while. sorry to all of you who were stoked for me to be your first friend with a tattoo. I'm dissapointed myself. haha, if its ment to be $100 will materialise in my pocket before March 16. I didn't expect it to be any less, and I'm not willing to sacrifice sanitary-ism for a cheeper tattoo, this is my health we're talking about here. Besides, my grandma would DIE if she found out I spent my birthday money from her on a tattoo. haha, or not, she might laugh. but really... what would my mom say? P.S. don't tell her that I was seriously considering this. Oh, and mom, if you read my blog.... pretend like you don't.... please?! That way I can continue to live in my dream world of annominity and privacy. haha. yeah right!
anyways, its way past bed time!

Sweet dreams!
May money NEVER restrict your dreams,
Laurel

Must Love..... Boys?

In Lou of Valentines Day, I Thought I'd post about boys. this is something I have started, and been working on, so now (dum dum dum) YOU the luckey viewer will get to read it! Yay!

Boys. What makes a boy a boy? I mean besides the obvious? (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER) I'm not real sure, but I thought that since one day I plan to date, fall in love, and marry one of them, perhaps I should compile a list of things I look for and/or I find attractive in a guy... so... here goes nothing...

1) MUST be a Christian
2) Has to have a good sense of humor
3) Has to be able to hold a good convorsation
4) Be willing and able to stand up for their opinions... not like a doormat loozer geek
5)Doesn't mind that I'm short... but doesn't make fun of me ONLY because of that.... pretty much they have to be able to make fun of me in a good way... haha... what a quality, eh?
6) Has to be musical... and willing to sing with me even if he can't sing... cuz I sure can't!
7) Good looks are ALWAYS good! but not a must.
8) they HAVE to get along with my family. thats super important.
9) they have to get along with my friends too... cuz otherwise it just wouldn't work
10) they have to respect me, my space, and my ideas.
11) Ok, so they have to have nice hands, k? not long nails that have dirt under them, thats gross. but not like pasty hands that have only touched the pages of a book/the keys on a keyboard/the buttons on a mouse.... like nice hands that tell where they've been.
12) Their sense of style is a big thing... cuz there are the dorks that dress 'so 2 years ago' and then there's the preps that try to dress the style of tommorow.... and the hardcores that try so hard to be unique, and the ghetto boys, and then there are the guys that really don't care what style they are, and thats hot.
13) And the biggie.... he has to be a gentleman. Mannors. polite. will open the door for me. I'm all for it! I'm not some femmine right activist fanatic that feels as if my status as a person is being compromised if a boy opens the door for me, or carries by books, or helps me out... in fact, I quite appreciate it. and saying Please and Thank You never hurt anyone, did it? I thought not.... so Mr. Right, you'd better have some mannors.

Yeah... so I'm not picky, am I? haha! Lets just say I'm not about to sell myself short! I think that too often, in the pursuit to find love, too many people (especially girls) sell themselves short, compromise too many of their standards in order to feel loved. and I have a huge problem with that. We have standards and attractions for a reason, and just becasue someone of the oppostie sex doesn't fall in line with all of the major ones doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. Inless they dont' feel the same way. I don't know. I think the world of dating is far too complecated and ruins far too many friendships. Too many people get hurt, dissapointed, and scarred. In fact, this is the case with most people. And why? becasue as humans one of our needs is the need to feel loved and needed.... so we try too hard to find that sensation, and look in all the wrong places, in the wrong people, and compromise too much of ourselves. Pretty hypocritical for me to say huh? cuz one day I'm gonna start looking for love. Where? who knows. in the right place? probably not. but maybe some of this ranting, and some of the things I've learned from watching others make the same mistake over and over again will aid me in my pursuit to feel loved.


May your Valentine be the right person,
and may you always feel loved,
Laurel

Let Go

Its about that time of year again.... and time for my anual rant.
Love. What is love? as the world sees it... meaningless. Flowers? A nice gesture.... but one I have yet to recieve. Chocolate? my favorite. but I only get the leftovers that my mom doesn't like.
So then, what, is Valentines Day? For me, another day that the world points out that I am alone. And yes, it is official, I can no longer complain about not having a boyfriend, but I CAN get off on technicalities. Such as the fact that Valentines Day is a manufactured holiday ment for the sole pourpose to GET YOUR MONEY. Oh yeah, and a day at school where the Loners (aka me) are vivedly pointed out amongst the croud... the one that gets no 'candygrams' or the fewest valentine cards, or the one who the cinnomn hearts pass by. yup. thats me. standing in a group, the last valentine gets handed out and here it comes... the word vommit that no one really means,' oh, sorry Laurel, I forgot to make you one, I'm really sorry, I feel really bad' how about I walk away before THAT happens? good idea. yup. yesterday for me, was international feel like the biggest looser in the entire school day. THANK YOU St Valentine for .... doing whatever the heck it was that you did, so that one day in every year my looser status can be magnified. thanks. and thanks for dying!

May you have the perfect Valentines day

and feel loved Daily,

Laurel

Frou Frou
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go,let goJump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrivalyou've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown
So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Is God Good or WHAT?!

Let ME tell YOU how GOOD God is!
Last week, when it came down to it, I gave the weekend at YA over to God saying that 'If you want me there, make things work out.' well... things worked themselves out, and I went for the weekend. Then this week came, and with it the stress of catching up for 2 days of missed school. BUT GOD IS GOD! yesterday, I had a Math quiz, which ended up, when I got there, to be open book! halleluja! And I had an essay due, which I hadn't had checked over by my teacher like I should have... I got it back today... and a 68%! (now don't get me wrong, thats usually a good mark, but I was 100% prepaired and was expecting to recieve a failing mark.) and today, a Chemistry Test.... we have an extra 20 minutes to work on it tommorow... which means that tonight I will have time to figure out what I don't know how to do! GOD IS SO GOOD! and he promises to never give us more than we can handle! more than once this week I have felt beyond overwhelmed, but God has followed through and made everything less stressful!
God is good. I don't know how you can't believe that God is a good God. but he is, and he is faithful. wow. I'm so pumped right now, you have no idea!

Praise him!
Laurel

with a bang......?

So. I'm procrastonating... again. what else is new? and guess what? I'm bored! I don't even have anything to say. thats how bored I am.
k, get this, today is tuesday, right? tomorow, wednesday, I have an english essay due worth 12% of my final mark, a math quiz, and have to stay for lunch for chemistry help. Thursday, I have a Chem test. Friday, I have a World Religions essay due. yeah. nothin like kicking off the sem with a..... something big.... esposion? well... at least I get next week off. to do what? I have NO CLUE. Cuz Ashley is gone to Nicaraugua, my dad goes back to work (halleluja! ....not saying at all that I want him out, just we've been waiting for this for like a month, or more), and there is NOTHING for me to be doing. well... I guess I'll spend some time catching up with my math and Chem, cuz I am so behind. I think that if I make it through these first two quiz/tests I'll be fine, especially if I take the week to catch myself up. missing 2 days was fatal. let me tell you.
I'm dying to have a shower. maybe I'll do that and then write my essay? I'm freezing. I have been all week. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. prolly not. I could go for a nap too. maybe I'll wander over to macs and get some coffee before I start. haha.... I think thats mostly a dream.

talk to you later,
here's to ending highschool with a bang!
Laurel

A Life Worth Living -part 2

This weekend, I did alot of sitting, alot of nothing, and alot of talking. Thats the best thing about sitting at a booth all day, people know that you are there, and if you smile at them the first time they walk by, the next time they might stop to talk. And sure, I didn't talk to them ALL about 24-7, because that doesn't accomplish the same thing as learning about them, letting them know that they matter, and that you are willing to take time out of your day to just talk. I didn't talk to alot of random youth, because our table draws alot of the older crowd, wich is, truthfully, dissapointing. The youth we do draw, is for our buttons, and its so fun to see which ones they pick out, because sometimes just by looking at them, I have already picked out in my mind the buttons they will pick (I've looked at them all ALOT), and when they don't, its really humbling to know that people don't come in the box that you put them in, that they live life differently than you expect. This is way off topic from what I was going to tell you.
While sitting at my booth, I got to talk to the students that were working at the consession right beside me. And there was this one girl that worked there saturday morning, and she doesn't know it, but she really blessed me. She wore cloths that we all WISH we could wear, those really cool cloths from the vintage/ second hand stores that look unreal on the right person. Her hair was short, and looked like she woke up, got dressed and went to breakfast, which is what she probably did. And she sat at the consession all morning and colored with crayons in her coloring book. and she sucked on suckers all morning, and gave them away whenever someone came in. and she talked like she didn't care what peopel thought of her.. using those cliche catch phrases that you forget about... lines from movies that you only wish you could remember because they were SO good. She just lived life the way we all wish we lived life, the way I wish I was living life. Seeing someone do that just pushed me to live the way that I've always wanted to... and really not care abotu what other people think of me. and just live. I don't know, it was really encouraging.
I just think that I've started to live my life too much in theorys, and I need to just simply start doing what I say I'm going to do. It could, and will be so good... so refreshing. but it will take time, and I'm willing to wait.

have a good eveining,
may you live life to the fullest and never let rules stop you,
Laurel

A Life Worth Living-my sad sorry plea to the restricter.

{Don't read this if you think you might get hurt by my words}
so, I spent my weekend at Youth Advance at Bethany Bible College. was it good? you know it. But it wasn't all cheries either, there was some stuff that I had to work through, mostly saturday night.
I realized how much I let people (maybe one person inparticular) hold me back from living life the way life should be lived. And I think that in life, I need to take care of myself, and if that means hurting some one's feelings in order to life life the best way I know how, I need to do it. I need to let go of that person, that thing, that _____ness. you know? Even if that means forgetting about that something. Somethings just aren't ment to be, and when trying to sustain that something kills a smile, a laugh, a joy, a relatioship with Jesus, what more is there to live for, and why are you trying to make it live? Because.... I dunno. I was being held back so much by this one person, because they were [perhaps still are] holding onto me too much, so I realized that although I may need to let go, maybe push them away, and start laughing again. start living again. start WORSHIPPING God again. start doing what I was created for agian. I think I did. Any more to pursue a relationship only comes from them, and from me comes the same hollow feeling I get in my stomach when I think about the awkwardness and pain that was brought needlessly inot my life. Now, I know this is kinda sounding brutal, but I have been holding alot of this in for a long time. so now its out. and it feels good. I am FREE.
This weekend brough alot of freedom. alot of Courage, alot of Love, and alot of growth. it was really good.

Sweet dreams,
May you never be held back from a life worth living,
Laurel