Lonely

Today, was like, the worst day of my life. except it wasn't that bad.
Halloween in a public school, is like, international Whore day or something. I swear, the girls have a competition to see who can wear the least legally allowable. That just made my entire day bad. I mean, I DO NOT want my little brother to spend an ENTIRE day surrounded by that, never mind all of the OTHER guys that have to find some way to deal with that. Not to mention myself. I hate the fact that all the respect that countless women FOUGHT for is all thrown out the window on halloweeen. 'hey, I think I'm gonna dress up like a slut, but I'll say I'm an 'actris' or an 'angel' or a 'devil' or maybe I'll hide it really good and be a cop!' all I have to say is... you are a whore, no matter how hard you try to desguise it, you look like a whore.
hm. what comes next? how about that english quiz that I FAILED. yeah, let me tell you, I am so excited about that.
oh. and the pumpkin smash. Can you say LONER? yup that was me. I hung out with a few people periodically, but in the end I was still a loner. so a BIG THANK YOU goes out to all of those people that completly IGNORED me! yup, I can say I left this evening (at around 9:30... real late if you were to ask me) feeling REALLY loved, and special.

I don't know. Lately.... I just... I don't even know how to put it into words. yeah... I do. I've felt like the hugest Loozer/ Loner/ freek/ whatever else you can be thats not cool, in the ENTIRE world. not even exaggerating. My best friends at school... I haven't talked to them FOR REAL in almost a year. My ABSOLUTE best friend.... we haven't talked for real in over a week. I saw her, for the first time in like a week tonight... but not really cuz she was working at the PS. The rest of my friends, you ask? well.... its hard to tell, because no one talks to me. and when we do... its about them. THEIR problems. THEIR stories. 'youth friends?' you ask. "what do you mean?" I reply. I'm a loner there too. the only place I am not a loner is in my house. I talk to my mom more than anyone else right now, because I have no one else. I sit and watch tv, huddled in a blanket with nathan, because he'll let me have the remote, and secretly enjoy watching chick flicks with me. I sit and read silently with my dad, and periodically ask him what words mean, and listen to the stories that my questions produce. or, I sit by myself in my room, staring in the mirror. or sitting in front of the computer, wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound so pathetic, nor do I want your pity. I don't want you to talk to me because you know that I feel like a loner, nor do I want you to tell me that I'm not. because I am. thats the way things are. thats the way things are ment to be right now. I will not force myself on people, but I won't back off completely either. All I want is for someone to notice me, every now and then. Does that make sense? Its like... there is that one boy that I've been waiting to ask me to go for coffee with him for the past... forever, but its not gonna happen, yet I'm still waiting. So, instead it might be nice to have someone else ask me to go for coffee, not even a guy, but at least someone I know ACTUALLY cares, and isnt' pitying me.
I don't know. I don't know what my point is.
my point is that I'm lonely. I stand in crowds of people but still feel alone.

forever lonely,
Laurel

An Angry Post

Sometimes I just get frustrated. About alot of stuff. Today I'm just frustrated with one of my friends. Its... I dunno. All of our convorstations on the phone have been like, 10 minutes max- we used to talk for hours on end, EVERY night. now its just whenever I phone her. Oh, and by the way, she is going to come to church tommorow, just to see me. Well thanks dear, but I don't want to be the reason you come to church for the first time in the last month. I know you have alot of homework, and have to work, and do stuff for your missions trip.... but can I fit in there somewhere?
School is like death. I am so tired of doing homework. I'm so tired of the teachers not really caring. I tired of the fake, rude, selfish people at school. the ones that spend 2 hours geting ready in the morning. the ones that laugh REALLY loud during class, while the teacher is talking. oh and those grade 9's that stand in the MIDDLE of the hallway? they should DIE. ok, so thats a bit harsh, but when will they learn? hallways are for walking, not socializing. not blockading... people have to get around SOMEHOW, and thats what hallways were created for, the commons are for everything ellse... FREEKING STAND THERE!!! But worse than that.... is Paige Drever. She is SO fake, so ANNYOYING, so RUDE, so... UGH, AND she stands in the middle of the hallway to talk to her friends. she is like Regina off of mean girls. kinda. times infinity. in REAL LIFE. One day, I'm gonna tell her to SHUT THE FREEK UP, and stop being such a B****! yep. thats my goal for this year. and I'm not even joking. I just hope that it doesn't happen in the middle of class... but it could happen anytime this week, becasue our Dear Friend (the D.F. for short) is way past getting on my nerves, and If I've ever hated anyone, its her.
What else can I vent about? Shall I tell you about boys? how about no. Anyone that this involves acutally reads this. Besides, I do NOT want to date. at least, thats what I think. I'm still waiting for Peter Pan.
Oh. I know. YOUTH SUCKS BUTT. the program is BORING AS HECK, and my 'assigned youth leader' only talks to me out of obligation, and I would NEVER tell her anything really personal. I Don't get fed at youth... I 'learn' things that I've been taught a bajillion times before. I know, I know.... you can always take something out of a lession... but redundance is so boring, and..... redundant. ugh.
ok. I'm done venting now. well.. not really. but hey... theres not much more to tell you. well, if I could scream on a computer... I would, but it would just look dumb. ie:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!


Laurel

P.S.- I missed the thing in Dalmany with the boys from no innocent blood. and as much as I'll deny it, I'm really dissapointed that I ended up watching stupid eleven-teen year old movies instead of hanging out with friends. I mean, who wouldn't?

The Blower's Daughtor

Damien Rice

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We'll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

Its funny, the way someone can affect you. The way situations change, but your feelings still stay the same. Funny how you get caught up in the things you feel untill its a fairytale in your mind, where everything is perfect.

I hate to be redundant, but I love the story of Peter Pan. It is the best fairy tale. Its not a Prince and a Princess falling in love and getting married, its two children, who know the REAL meaning of love, ending in a goodbye at a window. In the recent movie, Peter looses all of his happy thoughts, because James Hook fills his mind with thoughts of Wendy growing up, and getting married. He couldn't stand that thought. Why? because he couldn't keep his mind off of her. He came back to visit her, at her open window. He DIDN'T forget about her. He promised he wouldn't.

I'm done waiting for a prince, I want a boy who doesn't want to grow up. But I'm not gonna wait for him either, I expect him to fly to my window when he sees that it is open.

Laurel

P.S. I forgot what the point of this was, sorry.

Suck it up Buttercup

ok, so last night, I didn't sleep at all. finally, at 5 in the morning, I got up, took some advil, and got an ice pack for my face. it took me that long to figure out that my face was keeping me from sleeping. Then, I woke up at 10:45, because I was SO stuffed up, and couldn't breathe. So, I got up, and realized that my face was (and still is) huge, therefore, making me unable to eat (aka chew). So I moped around till 12:30, when mom and I went to go get me a booster juice, and some milk.
at the grocery store, we saw one of the soccer moms (her son played soccer with Jeremy since who knows when, creating a bond between our mothers). So, they talked about their kids, what we were doing this year yadda yadda yadda, adn eventually the convorsation turned to the fact that dad had quad bypass this month. and This lady was SO understanding, and said something like 'wow, so you've had a really tough year this year, hey?' and mom was kinda like 'not really', and she was like 'yeah'. and I could see that she really cared that this month sucked for mom, and encouraged her, Like this was one of the worst things you could go through. eventually the convorsation ended, and we got the milk, and left the store. That was when mom told me that this lady's Husband had died, he got electrocuted while working, and thier kids were not old at all. Wow. That blew me away. even tho what she had gone through was so terrible, so incomprehensible, she still cared for what my mom was going thro, and wasn't like 'well, my husband died, so just suck it up, it could be worse." no. she cared. she put herself aside and cared for my mom.
there is always something worse. but whoever that one person that's got it the worst, always seems to be the most understanding? why is that? why is it that I mope about my not being able to chew, and being hungry, when there are children out there starving to death. literally. So often we loose sight of whats really important, of what really matters, and turn the focus on ourselves. I don't think life is supposed to be like that. I think we are supposed to help others, no matter what our circumstances are, even if we have less problems than someone else, or maybe more, I think we are supposed to love on them.
I don't know. thats what I've been thinking about today.
Laurel

Tears

What do your tears mean?
I hate saying goodbye.
but I didn't really say goodbye,
I didn't say much of anything.
I didn't know what to say,
Then I saw your tears.
I'm afraid I ran away, boy.
afraid of what they might mean,
of what they might say.
we didn't talk much tonight.
I said alot, but not to you.
when will I see you next?
and will I feel different from today?
because today felt like nothing at all.

Dun da da da!

oh look! Ic an't chew. my face is too big, Ichew on that instead. Great. just great. I'm so grumpy now because of it. and I have to go out tonight, and I don't want to. I just want to stay home, watch a movie, and go to bed. but nope. me and my swollen face are going out. yipee.
Mom and I went grad dress shopping today. I have one picked out. two are on hold tho. So on monday Dad is going with us to help me pick one out. but I think I've already decided which one I want. Its black and baby blue, two pieces. and then mom said I could get black ballet slippers to wear with them. after that, all I need is a neclace, and my grad outfit is ready to go! I'm stoked about that. (the other one is purple with really pretty beading!)
anyways, I have to go and get ready to leave.
Laruel

oh look.....!

Say you were to walk into the Kitchen RIGHT NOW, and look at me, oh, yeah Laurel looks fine, so you say Good morning, and I turn to reply.BAM! it hits you, the Left side of my face is 3 times the size of my right side. Why? oh no biggie... just got a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday. Last time it just hurt on the 2nd day. oh no. not this time. this time I have to be HUGE on one side. know what the best part of it is? Mom and I are going Grad dress shopping today, cuz Brides 'n bells has a 75% discount on ALL grad dresses. wow. such a good deal. and its ONLY today, so we HAVE to go. pretty much I'm getting my grad dress today. But maybe not. Cuz they make the dresses about a foot longer than I would need to wear them. Not even joking, probably more than a foot taller. isn't that rediculous? I really am short.
well.. anyways, I gotta figure out what I can eat, because one side of my face is not functioning.
see yah!
Laurel

Tomorow....

Last night, Erinn and I went to The christian College and University Fair. It was so overwhelming to walk into the gym and see how many places I could go to. A Year ago, I was almost convinced that I wasn't going to go to a Bible college. Now, Thats all I want to do. But walking in there, I had no idea what I was looking for, what I want to do with my life. But near the end I fond myself telling one of the Reps that "I want a good Missions program- more urbanly focussed than International" WHAT?! where did that come from? I've always been terrified of talking to homeless people, of serving the communtiy, I"ve always wanted to go somewhere else and serve there, but I've never done that before. So now, I just feel this Calling to Get trained, to serve Saskatoon. To do what I can at home. That there is poverty here, as well as internationally. To serve the Children on 20th. To do local stuff.
I don't know. I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, but I'm finding out more and more everyday. and Thats exciting.

Laurel

This Thimbal is for you, and only you.

I figured things out.
I don't ever want to grow up. I want a flying boy to come knocking at my window and take me away to never-neverLand. I want him to give me thimbals, and dance with me with shimmering faries flying around. I want him to save me from the piarates, and make a house around me, because I might die if he moves me. I want him to hold hands with me as he teaches me to fly. I want his Kiss to save my life, and my thimbal to save his.

If I jump the plank, will you catch me?
If I run away from home, will you show me the way?
If I am a piarate, will you be dissapointed?
If I decide to grow up, will you change my mind?
Because, I want you to.

Yeah. I just don't want to grow up. I want to be a kid and have fun. I want to be Peter's Wendy.

My window is always open.
Laurel

Boys.

Do you want to know something? I like a boy. I do. I might even say I like him alot. But guess what? I blew it AGAIN. yeah, I missed that chance to make something of it, AGAIN. Great. Just Great. Now, My life is complete. AGAIN. I know that I do these things. I know that I mess stuff up so often, but I don't change. Or, maybe I don't want to change. But I think that maybe I've spent so much time trying to convince myself that I don't want/need a boyfriend, that I've done the opposite... I want a boyfriend. Great. Just what I've always needed... a want for more.
Do you know what gets me tho? The fact that no one knows. Ok, so maybe Ashley knows. But thats it. I learned at school that Feelings are at the core of every relationship... so how come my feelings are so irrelevant to our friendship? how come they've never been spoken of? OH! right! I remember now... I AM A WEENIE! oh! wow! can this get any better?
I hope so.
Laurel

Priceless

By Copeland

I remember when I'd run to you
through field of white flowers
Your embrace is my air
How I needed you there
And all of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need youLike the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

And then I waved goodbye to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see that
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need youLike the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

Taking for granted(taking for granted)...
all of her smiles
That got away

And now I'm looking up to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of you
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need youLike the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you hereI need youLike the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

La da da da...

So there you are and here I stand

Know what I was thinking today? I spend WAY too much time wallowing in self pity about the fact that I'm gonna be 18, maybe 19 by the time I date a boy. That I have never had a boy hold my hand, or write me poems. I've never caught a boy staring at me, or talking to his friends about me. But guess what? God SINGS praises over me, me holds me in his ARMS, and he spent so much time creating me that he thinks I am gorgeous. Sometimes I forget that God Loves me so so much. And I love thinking about it.
The other night, when I was talking to Matt, he said something that really caught me off guard. He said something about not spending so much time worrying about what he was doing with his life, or where he was going, or God's plan for his life, but foccusing more on knowing God, knowing the Character of God, and learning Faithfulness. How profound is that?
So many times I loose my focus. You know that anylegy about life is a race, and we are running towards God? I think I have running ADD or something. I end up foccusing on a boy. or some friendship that isn't working. or my lonerism. or my family. Thats all in God's plan. I just need to keep on running towards god.

Laurel

Untitled

here we go again

another day

another missed moment

opportunities

come and go

but it still hurts

the heart shaped

patterns on my pants

tell you nothing

about who I am

or what I think.

you are lovely

thats what I think

but I missed the

moment to tell you

I forgot to say

you mean more

to me than

words could express

Random thoughts on a Random Day

I don't even know what to tell you. Jeremy just left. Mark left early this morning. Life is back to 'normal' and I hate it. I hate it when the boys aren't here. I love having them around, even when they are grumpy and everything. They make life at home more fun. But, they are gone again. and thats all there is to it.
I'm kinda in a rut cuz I didn't get much sleep last night. and I hate being at home. Nathan is annoying, and always yells at me. Mom is... frustrating. And I don't know what to talk about with my dad or Grandma. I wish I could just go for a drive. get out. Leave. do SOMETHING. instead of just sitting here board as hell.
Last night I had the two best talks of my life. well. not really. but they were good. I talked to mark... and he pretty much gave me a dating talk.... which was a little bit funny. And I talked to Matt. I pretty much never met him before in my life, and I talked to him for like an hour maybe. while everyone else was inside looking at wedding pictures. it was good tho. I learned alot about God. And he asked me some tough questions. like "what do you enjoy doing?" to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I like to do. I don't really like to sit in front of the computer. I don't know if I really like dancing. I'm not artistic. I'm not musical. I'm not good at math. Maybe I just like writing, and talking to people. I like communication.
Then he asked me what I thought of God. easy. "I love God" why? good question. Why do I love god? what makes me love him?
So, somewhere in there, he took my valcrow shoes, and he's gonna paint them... Itold him he could paint whatever he wants, adn he said they might end up being his art project for school. sweet. (btw, I put nehemiah 9:5b&6 on Mark's jeans last night... I think they turned out really good... and I think he was excited about them.)
And after all of this... I think I'm gonna go and change, start some laundry, and take my mom's sweet camera and take some pictures. I think I might like that. photography. but we'll find out about that when this film gets developed.
Laurel

Nosmo King

Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news,
Breaking news, just in. Laurel Baillie, upon entering Marion Graham school and walking through the hall, happened upon a strange and unusual thought- "I love shool". Those three simple words were thought in her head at aproxomately 8:26 am this october morning, marking the death of her lonerism. it was proven, in an online quiz that Laurel was 94% loner at school. With a complete turnaround in attitude at school today will mark the day that laurel enjoys school.

Ok, ok ok, so thats going at bit too far. BUT I did think it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME! I swear, in the night I got abducted by aliens and had a mind transplant with an alien, therfore creating me into some school loving wierdo. I don't know if I can handle the thought of this.

In other news, Grandma is buisy making pie while mom stands at the sink doing something forign and unusual (like normal). and Jeremy and Mark are changing the tires on BOTH the truck and the Van. Nathan is thouroughly enjoying his math/science class with a group of morons, and Dad is bored out of his mind at the hopital, reading a book, drinking broth, and having in depth convorsations about life with his old, senile female room-mates. how enjoyable.

Yeah, I don't have anything left to say. besides the fact that I am totally skrewed in math and the cursor is posessed... cus its mving accorss the screen, and I'm not moving it and neither is the mouse. I'm pretty convinced that aliens took over earth last night while we were all sleeping. thats all there is to it. we're all gonna die. and no, I'm not obsessed with death, cuz wouldn't I b e dead already? I just like the way it sounds.... DEATH.... DEath deATH deaTHHHHHHHHHHHHH (haha, hey dad, how many different ways can you say nosmo king? nosssssssmmmmmmmooooooo KING NOsmo king. noSMO KING nosmoking no smo king)
ok, thats enough, I'm done for the day. tootley-bye for now
Laurel

I can't be here beside you- something's just not right

Yeah, My Dad is ok, Thanks for asking.
I will be fine in time. Thanks for asking.
Today, I did the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life- watch my dad. Watch his body reject the machine that was helping him breathe. Watch him fade in and out of consciousness. And listen to his mubled, fogetful, slow sentances. his plead for water, even tho his body would reject it. his satement "I'm gonna die", when his plead is rejected. or hearing "I feel like hell". And after all of this, seeing my mom cry.
But I told Dad that I love him, and he understood that, if nothing else, and thats all that really mattered to me, even if he thought that he didn't puke up the water, although he had just told us that he had, 2 minutes earlier. you would think that the 10 minutes alloted for that hour would go by fast, but I have never in my life had 1o minutes feel so long, almost like 20-30 minutes. the parts that should seem like forever don't, and the ones that shouldn't, do. Like the waiting rooms.... they don't seem to take very long when I run today through my mind, instead its the totall of 30 minutes that I spent with My dad today. Its the 30 second hug from Jeremy when he got off of the plane, not the 15 minute wait. Its funny, how in a day like today, when at the end I'm left more exhausted than I have ever felt, all I remember is the REALLY important stuff. Ask me what the nurses and surgeon look like? I couldn't tell you. Ask me what my dad looks like.... I could paint you a picture. Ask me details of the surgery, like how long it took? no idea. all I know is what happend... in ENGLISH.
My exhaustion is really starting to hit. all I want to do is go to bed. and sleep for hours. but I guess I'm going to school tomorrow. how its gonna work? I have NO IDEA. but I'll give it a shot. I just don't want to have to tell EVERYONE about my dad, and how it went, and why I wasn't at school yesterday, and why I'm not doing most of my assignments. I'm gonna fall asleep if I stay here any longer.
Thank you so much for all of your prayers.
Laurel

Paper Napkins are not toys

Paper napkins
you put into cups
of water
confuse me.
tell me why?
Why do you pretend
to be someone you're not?
Sometimes I see
A wonderful Man inside of you.
Sometimes
that man dissapears.

And when you're gone
I don't know what to do
with myself.

remeber when?
when you had cars
and I had dolls?
when all we had
was each other.
Cars became real
and dolls became toys.
and the dark
became an ally
instead of a foe.

Now that you're gone
I dont know what to do
with myself.

I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands.

yeah yeah yeah, I'm a blogging mess, and this is my second one today, but I need somwhere to go, and this is it.
youth tonight was.... everything it shouldn't have been. Jaclyn and Scott were leading [worship], which in my mind made it instantly bad. I couldn't sing one song. I tried, but it didn't work. Because of a number of things. the last song 'today' almost killed me. I had to leave, I couldn't even be in there.
"as for me and my house, we will serve you, as for me and my house, we will spend our lives on you, today."
yeah. no. not in my house. Not with my dad. my house doesn't have family devos. my family does't pray together. sure, not every christian family does that daily, but in a situation like ours, they would be praying together, maybe doing some devos. at least talking about God in the situation. But not my family.
The thing is, I don't cry. I can't. when ever I start to, I block myself up. Everything in my life is fine. Really. and then I will smile. I remeber what its like to cry myself to sleep. I remember crying in public, and being weak. Just because I'm small doesn't mean I'm weak, and If I show anyone that I am weak, they will make excuses for me- "well, she's short, she can't handle it", "Laurel's not strong enough, because she's littler than everyone else". NO I'M NOT. I'm not weak, I'm strong enough, and I can take care of myself. So stop making excuses for me, and let me be. And of all things, NEVER ASK ME TO CRY. Dont' tell me its ok to cry, dont' give me the verse about God collecting your tears, or the one about 'a time to laugh and a time to cry'. Whatever. I deal with things differently. But I WILL NOT cry in front of a group.
BUT, right now all I want to do is crawl into someone's lap and cry till I can't anymore. thats all I want. Is someone to hold me.
I hate the fact that I'm alone AGAIN tonight. Left with nothing but my thoughts and a keyboard. All it does is make trouble. and I'm stuck cuz I don't drive. this is the time that I get angry at myself for not having a licence. Know what would be perfect? Getting a Coffee and walking along the train bridge, all the way accross. But not rushing it. And maybe holding hands. Not with anyone in particular, just holding hands sounds good right about now.
Laurel

I just need you in my life, so just promise me again.

I was in the church today. We had a garage sale, but with everything thats been happening in my life lately, I had alot to do today, so I just stopped in. The first thing I saw was someone waiting to hug me and mom. Then Auntie Cheri asked if we needed food for next week. Then a few more hugs. Its wierd. I mean, I'm so numb about this whole thing. I don't really know what to think. In so many ways it just feels like Dad's having a Calculated heart attack, and he'll be in the hospital for a week. I don't really know if that makes sense. It just feels like this is normal for us, that this is a regular occurance. But then I see my church Family surrounding My Family, and I begin to wonder if this is bigger than I think it is?
I hate to say this, but in everything that we do, that everyone else does, all I can think of is the Harms. About THAT day. seeing Janet at camp. holding back the tears. being strong because I had to, and then because it was out of habit... its always out of habit. I've only ever broken down once... Last semester, I bawled the whole way to school, and came home because I just couldn't do it, and that was the day after I found out that everything with Dad was NOT fine.
I told ashley last night that I couldn't pretend that everything was ok, and go to a new youth group. That was wierd.
But there are those moments, that I forget that things are NOT normal in my house. I had one last night... a really good convo, when things were real. Its been a long time since things were real.
Things aren't real. its so wierd. I don't even know how to describe it. Its like I'm somewhere in between reality and make- believe. Like I'm in a dream. Like a Matrix. have you ever wondered what a matrix really is? because it is a real word, not just a movie. it is:
1) an enclosure within which something originates or develops
2)a mass by which something is enclosed or in which something is embedded
When you really think about it, WE ARE in a matrix. We are in a world made by god, Within the eternal relm of heaven/hell. We are only here temporarily, we orginate and develop here, and are enclosed here, untill it is our time to leave. Wonky to think about that hey? put that into the context of the movie.... and you realize that there is more to life than what you really think. That there really is a war beyond comprehension, that in the end, freeing your mind is not as complecated as it seems. We are in a Matrix, stuck here untill we remove our selves spiritually, or die phyisically. or both.
Thats how I feel. I feel like.... I know more than I should. But act like I don't. I don't know. Its so much more complecated in words than it is in my mind.
If you understand ANY of todays ramblings, please let me know.
Laurel