Move Along

The All American Rejects
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Move along(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong we move along(Go on, go on, go on, go on)When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through[x3]
(Move along)(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along



hm... I keep on thinking about moving on. keep on keeping on... right? but my hand has never been held. even through everything this year. the other night a dear friend said to me 'no matter what you are talking about, you just want to be angry' I think I just hold EVERYTHING in, all of the time. all of the time I tell everyone that everything seems to be ok. that, 'no, don't worry about it, its ok' its a funny thing that a few of us people do, is hold things in and forget to move along. or maybe thats all we do, is move along, too quickly, in order to make it through. Things are so much easier when all you do is ignore them and they 'go away'. so many things I wish to just go away.... but they don't. nothing can just go away... and perhaps by forcing them to go away, in order to make it through and move along I am hurting myself more than I am helping.

anyways..... this isn't the point of this blog, I know, this is a reall huge change of topics, but I really wanted to run this idea past some people of a shirt, cuz on the move along video the [very attractive] lead singer wears this one shirt. its orange with a yellow hand on the left side of his chest. Now... while I am a girl and this is not appropriate for me, would it not be cool to take a black shirt, and some how bleach two hands on my back in a way that looks like someone hugged me and left that mark? I don't know... I think it looks pretty rad in my mind.... let me know what you think, cuz I think it could be done REAL good... and not just like I accedentally bleached my shirt. haha... that'd be real bad. Also, I think the caption on a shirt 'move along' could be so good, if done exactly the right way in the right spot. I don't know. this could be REAL crappy ideas.... this is the results of my stress. I gotta go to bed... after a second post of the day.... I apologise for my over use of your time.

sweet dreams,
may you always have a hand to hold,
Laurel

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mmmmmm, the last first day of a new semester of high school. isn't it great? with all of the formal welcomes and rules? haha. NO! not this time... this time it was 'ok, we have alot to get through this semester, so we need to start now.... oh, and by the way, welcome to you second sem. lets get started' in EVERY one of my classes. oh! and the homework that follows! I have, get this, an english essay and presentation due on MONDAY worth 12% of my FINAL MARK! ITS LIKE DEATH! yeah.... so thats my life right now.... homework. like death. like... complete and total death. like die till you're dead death. ok, now thats taking things a bit too far, but I think you're getting the point right now. OH! and to top things... I'm gonna be gone from thursday till sunday, so that counts out what.... three days to work? GREAT, just GREAT... MORE STRESS! YAY! yep.. so I'm a bit stressed right now... trying to figure out what to say from some pointless world religions thinger on what makes me who I am. good. pointless. just what I need. THEN I have math to do. BUT I can't even start on my essay, because it hasn't been formally assigned yet. GREAT. that means that tommorow is.... Wednesday... and the only day I have to work on this. pretty much I'm begging for an extension. 12% of my final mark? thats rediculous! AH!
Anyways...I should get onto this homework thing. I'll talk to ya'll later.

Goodbye,
and may your new semester bring knowlege and wisdom,
Laurel

Tommorow...?

Yesterday Mom and I decided to run away from everything thats going on here at home, and spend the night at my Grandma's. Boy, was that ever great! I got to pour over Buttons all day, and read, and pretty much do nothing of any signifigance for an entire day, and not worry about anything! Last night we took out my Grandpa's slides, and his projector/screen, and checked out his pictures. This inclueded 6 sets of slides from their trip to England.
Do I EVER want to go there. More than anything. So I just finished looking at (again) Capernwray Hall in England. Its in a CASTLE! is that not amazing?! But it scares me SO much. I'd have to take a plane to London, get a cab to the train station, Take a train to some obscure english town, and then get a cab/ local train to the school. BY MYSELF! AH!
I am so scared of what lies ahead of me after school. But more than anything I NEED to get out of Saskatoon. I NEED To experience more. But that seems to be what I am so scared of... Not having my mom there for EVERYTHING. I don't know. I really think that things will seem easier after I visit Jeremy, cuz that will be the first thing I really do on my own... It kinda feels like that will be the day I become a woman... the day I go through the security gates by myself. See... and thats the thing about this next year, whatever it is that I do, I want to do it by myself... I don't want anyone with me that I know. I want to go and start new, and be who I am. Funny how it is, cuz it would make me feel a ton better if someone was going with me. haha. Maybe when Jeremy goes to Europe, he'll fly to england with me. HA! yeah right!
haha, I've got a new plan for my love life.... You see, I'm going to go to England, and fall in love with a nice english boy, who parts his hair at the side, wears nice white shirts, suspenders and slacks. and has a HOT accent! haha! you like the plan? and he'll take me for walks down the streets of.... some little town, and we'll visit the castles, and hold hands. haha! I think it sounds like a GREAT idea.... what about you? so realistic, hey? BUT its SO gonna happen! yay!
Anyways, I have a mission, and I will accomplish it! have a good evening!

may you always remember to put love in the place of Fear,
Laurel

Perhaps a bit selfish.....

I guess I'm a bit frustrated right now... with people. I just spent the day learning about, and helping with, organizations that help inner city kids, and feed the homeless... but we get back to the school, and all I see and hear is people unhappy with what they have. Sure... its a crappy 53% in history... thats too bad, I'm really sorry to hear that, but at least you know that when you go home, its gonna be there for you, with food on the table, and a warm bed to sleep in. I guess.... Marks really don't matter to me in the long run, because there is SO much more to life. Its like you're running down the road of life, and stub your toe on a rock... and God just pats us on the back and says... keep going... there's a hole in the person next to you's path that they're gonna fall into, this is petty compared to that... you're gonna get through it, and keep on running.
Its so hard to focus on the good stuff when you're only thinking about the crappy. Sure, its a death of a mark, but remember pealing onions and crying? guess how many people that nasty turkey is gonna feed? isn't that amazing? and don't you think that 10 years down the road when you are nicely married with kids in a good career, you are SO gonna care, and you will DEFFENETLY remember?
I dunno.. I'm sitting here eating chocolate pudding with my fingers trying to imagine a childhood filled with the horrors that some of these kids experience. And I have so much to be thankful for, and in the long run, worrying about marks just seems to be an awefully petty and selfish thing to me.

I need to go write my essay.

good eveining,
May your words inspire and bring hope to all that hear,
Laurel

Tower of Refuge

procrastonation- the act of avoiding something.

Two weeks ago, on a friday, Ashlynn ended up in my arms one more time. And it was just like that one week at camp, when I'd wrap my arms around her, and she'd burry her face in my shoulder and cry, and we'd break every 15 minutes to have a good laugh about something random, and go back to crying. This time, instead of wondering how I was going to get through the week without completly breaking down in front of everyone (especially my campers), I realized how much life must suck for Ashlynn.
And its just now that I've realized that I am still healing, still recovoring. I don't really think people really knew how close I was to Dwayne, he was more than just my pastor. I babysat his kids every week (tuesdays to be exact) for over a year.... and thats got alot to it. He'd pick me up, drive me home, and talk to me, and ask how I really was. I spent an entire week looking out for Ashlynn, trying to read her, make sure she was ok, and if she needed an escape, I would be able to provide a way out. But I don't think I had a way out that week.
hm. my mom came that day. She drove an hour just to walk with me down to the beach and back, and bring me some warm cloths. hm. And she sent blankets and a heater earlier that week to camp with Zach. I think maybe I did have a way out... just not the easy way. I think I had a few places of refuge. like Kelsy-lyn. she was my rock that week. Just like I was Ashlynn's.
I remeber sitting accross the table from Ashlynn that day, at supper, maybe lunch. nope, supper. And we'd all finished eating, and I think I was supposed to be scraping dishes, but I looked accross, and she was just suddenly so quiet, and all I had to do was stand up, reach for her hand, and we were out of there. We were up in the staff lounge, sitting, the two of us, on one cushion in the corner of a couch, with a blanket, just sitting there. sometimes laughing. some times crying. somtimes just sitting.
And then that night, I moved my bed beside her's. I think it might have been for me more than it was for her, but I didn't want her to be by herself that night. I didn't want her to have to face the dark, and her thoughts alone. Now, she tells me that night time is the worst because thats when she has time to think, time to remember. Its those times when she is alone that it hurts the most. She said that sometimes she'll just sit in her empty classroom and cry untill someone comes and finds her. I just wish I couldbe there for every moment she needs someone to hold on to. someone to run to. someone to run away with. Someone to be her escape.
Its funny how I am healing... its not so much about me, but about her. Because when she needs someone at church, I'm the one thats there, that sees that she's not ok, and I'm the one she'll stay with, even though she can go to anyone else... and I think thats because now we share something special.... because we both saw Janet peek into the gym, and we both new exactly what that ment.

sweet dreams,
may you always have a tower of refuge to run to for escape,
Laurel

The Princesses Quest for a Prince

[you should know this is not your ordinary fairy tale]
Once upon a time There was a beautiful princess. She was known throughout the land for her beautiful eyes, and her bubbly personality. It was the custom in those times for a Girl to have fallen in love by the time she was eighteen, and by fallen in love, I don't mean married, just in love. But this Princess had not yet found love, and she had only just passed her eighteenth birthday. Her parents did not help this situation tho, for the King and Queen were wrapped up in financial affairs, and stuff that you do in castles... too buisy to plan an extravagant party, or ask her about romance. But there was one more problem, before the princess fell madly inlove with the prince of her dreams- she was shy, even though she seemed to be outgoing, when it came to boys, the princess was shy. Becuase of this the princess could not take matters into her own hands. With the lack of princes in the land, the princess was at a loss... considering she had refused more than one of them. With a conundrum such as this on her plate, the princess decided it was time to go on a vacation.......

TO BE CONTINUED....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

hm. What a way to end my Perfect birthday.... in tears. I dunno what it is... maybe the people that forgot. maybe its more. I think there is always something sad about a birthday, when you are left alone to think about it. I like to think that my birthday is like princess day- I get to be a princess for a day. But 18... Legal Adult. I don't know.
I mean, today was PERFECT. minus the math final. but other than that... the CD sale, the Dutch Blitz, supper, Cake, getting 'lost', the show at mcnally, Talking to jeremy on the phone, and half a movie. it was fabulous. not to meniton the gifts!
I really don't mean to sound ungreatful, today was perfect... this didnt' hit me untill just now...
I just... I don't know.


Sweet dreams,
May you hold all the excitement of opening a gift in every moment of today,
Laurel

Just.... romantic.....

hm. So I'm sitting here, and really I have not much to say.
Ok, so worldwide confession time..... I am in love with the song Trip by Hedley. I am sorry to all of those hedly/simple plan/cheesy punk-pop haters...... Its just.... somehow I really relate to it right now.

Some say love is not for sinners
I believe that isn't true
'Cause when I was finished sinning
Love came down and showed me you

And you told me how to get there
So I tried to find a way
Then I ran into your garden
But I tripped out the gate
I tripped out the gate

What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you

Like a ton of bricks it hit me
And woke me from this dream
No matter how hard I tried to wash my hands
I could never get 'em clean
I could never get 'em clean

What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you

Can you hear me?
Cuz I can't change what I'll always be


I don't know why. its not like I have this crush on any guy.... its just somehow this is what my heart is screaming.

I'm reading this book right now, its called "Captivating" and it just talks about the things that a woman dreams about before she falls asleep. I think this is one of those things... having a boy sing something so intense to me.
I recently learned how important the musical quality in a guy is to me. I learned alot of stuff about what is really important to me in a guy. But I think I'll leave that out today.... for.... reasons.

I like moments. Perfect moments.... when for not reason the world is perfect... like right now.. the music- perfect, the chair- perfect, the convorsations-perfect. I love it like this.

Sorry.... I know I'm a bit rando tonight... but thats what you get when I put off sleep this long.

k,so I'm done for tonight.
sweet dreams
may the twinkle in your eye be the stars in my sky
Laurel

Rebellion

Today, During my afternoon class, I was shocked by the rudeness, and comments of a certian group of Girls. The thing is, they are those girls that everyone is afraid of, afraid to stand up to them, and afraid to befriend them. They are THOSE girls. Kinda like the real life Plastics from Mean Girls. They have perfect outfits that showcase their perfect bodies. They have perfectly manicured nails to go with their perfect makeover faces, and perfect sylist hair styles. they get perfect marks, and ask the perfect questions. They date the perfect boys who are perfect at sports. If cheerleaders were cool at my school... they would be perfect cheerleaders. But instead, they play perfect Lead roles in our perfect musicals. ..... are you catching my drift? these girls, are perfect.
......Well... untill you figure out their flaws. Oh, and what are they, you ask? well.. why don't you watch them? why don't you pay attention.


Fourth period bell rings to start the day, we are assembled in our hosh-posh of chairs in the double room, the choir room. amid the chairs, is an island of three isolated students, Laurel, Erinn, and Thaniel. Directly behind them is Page, Tansly, Amber, Brittany, Natalie, and Jessica-The Girls. The teachers, Morton and Ferguson, begin attendance, as usual, shouting last names over the roar of excited students. As if my magic, the class of sixty-some come to pay attention, to find out what today's adventure has in store. but the explanation is interrupted, when ferguson has to stop to stare at a certain group of girls. the explanation continues, but wait. we are interrupted again, with a sudden, and unfitting burtst of laughter and giggles. The class breaks to do the assignment in groups before returning to the class to present to the rest of the class. With excitement we watch group after group present their findings..... but behind it all, is this whispering, this chatting, this talking, this giggling, this laughing, this rudeness that makes the presentations into the background noise. but then, their group is called to the front of the class. and what is this? silence? an unfitting silence for the group that was not mindful of the other group's presentations? how odd. but lips begin to speak. slander. offence. "homo's do not have the right to marry" "hobo's should no have the same opportunities of regular people." "killers don't deserve to live a life that I pay for" WHAT? what is this? what are you saying? and WHY.... WHY are people laughing? becasue behind those eyes, I know, deep in my heart, I know you are not laughing, because you are not joking.

Its funny.... with this election, you get to see what people really are on the inside. and I am so very fearful of what my future is going to be if the people that surrond me are running things. some of them have no mercy. some of them have not heard of grace.
it is days like today, people like these girls, most of whom call themselves christians... that make me wonder what Jesus was really like, because you know, Jesus would have been right in there hanging out with the homosexuals, he would have been a hand to the needy, the homeless, he would have befriended the murderer. Jesus would be all those things we are afriad of being.
Deep down, on the inside we are ALL just people. behind the masks, beyond the things we do, all we want is to be loved. But these girls can't see past their own need for perfection, into the heart of others, into the lives of others, because if they could, they would KNOW for certian, that Jesus IS the homosexual, that Jesus IS the Homeless, that Jesus IS the murderer.... Jesus is the man that needs our help, he is the man begging for you to love him with all that you are. And thats what we NEED to do, if we are going to call ourselves Christians.



I dunno... a few things for you to ponder, as my mind wanders.

Laurel

Love- an old post

hey... so this is something that I posted quite some time ago in my last Blog.... I Thought maybe I should bring it back for another go... I hope you enjoy it......

Every morning this week I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and this is what it says 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres'
I really think that as teens, we THINK we know what love is. We don't. I don’t. I tell people that I love them, but how do I really know? I don't think telling anyone that you love them is at all possible, it doesn't make sense. to tell someone that you are patient and kind with them, that you do not envy them, that you will not boast to them, or be proud around them. That you will not be rude to them or self seeking, that you will not be mad at them, or keep a record of their wrongs, and that when they tell you the truth, you will rejoice. That just doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could tell everyone that. I wish that that is how I am. But I can't tell anyone all of that without lying. So why do I tell people that I love them? Why do I have to? Can’t I just show them that I love them? What do those words mean anyways? Why don't I just say 'I really like you a lot, and I feel strongly about you.' sure, it sounds dumb, but that’s really what you are trying to tell them.
Instead, today's society has warped the meaning of love, removed it from its original context, taken God out of the picture, and made love into a feeling. I don't believe that a person can feel love. Love, as defined by the bible, is not what we have made it into, in no way shape or form. That makes me sad.
Take the girl I saw walking down the street tonight. I saw her stumble into her friend. Normally I would have thought nothing of this, but it was the millisecond that I saw her eyes that I saw the terror in her eyes, that made me realize that she was drunk. Could someone tell her that they loved her at that very moment? No. not honestly, you couldn't, because there is nothing lovable about an intoxicated person who has no longer become themselves. But could you SHOW this beautiful girl that you loved her? Yes, I believe so. You could push all of your prejudices behind you, become as selfless as love is, and serve her in a way that only love can. Not judging her, not placing yourself above her, but taking yourself onto her level, picking her up from where she fell, and showing her God, because God is love.
I don't know. I don't think life is supposed to be about how we feel. I think life is about what we do. The love that we do. Not the love that we feel. I don't know if this makes sense. I know that it is hypocritical. but I think that if enough people came to the realization that love is not what it has been warped into a feeling rather than the Godly act that it was first intended to be, society would conduct itself in a very different manor.
Girls wouldn't be trading sex for love. Boys wouldn’t trade love for sex. Marriage would still be sacred. Divorce wouldn’t be an option. Children would be loved, not beat. Babies would be kept, not aborted, because their conception would happen in very different circumstances.
Life would be so different if the words 'I Love you' were not declared so freely. If love was not a feeling. Because if love was not a feeling, one would never be able to say 'I love you' without sounding like a total idiot, because, as a verb, love does not fit into that sentence. It would be like saying 'I run you' that doesn't make sense. Therefore, neither does love.
Love will never make sense. God calls himself Love. God is incomprehendable. His love is so deep that to dive into it, would be like falling into a black hole, there would be no end.
Jesus had the most amazing ACT of love anyone has ever shown. Jesus was socially incriminated, physically murdered, and spiritually butchered. He put everything behind him. He pushed everything aside for me. And he died with my sins upon his shoulders. And everyone else's. How I wish, that when I tell someone that I love them, that behind the word love, I am telling them that I will commit social suicide, be murdered, and spiritually beaten to nothingness, just for that one person. I wish that when the word love is upon my lips, my heart is being squeezed of its life, that my whole being is suffering, so that one person may know that I feel strongly about them. Instead, I throw that word around, like a heart is mine to play with. I have no right, to expect those words back, expecting a selflessness that Jesus suffered, that I am striving to experience. I have no right to even try to experience that love.

may you love, and be loved,
Laurel

Boys are DUMB

Close the door and take the stairs.
Up or down? Ups and downs.
Don't pretend you've never been there.
You kiss me like an overdramatic actor
who's starving for work,
with one last shot to make it happen.
You've won the role, you've played your part,
you've been cordially invited.
But I'm not impressed, and I'm definitely not excited.
'Cause the film runs a shallow budget,
and the writer's subject script isn't any deeper.
So dive right in...

Take back everything you ever said.
You never meant a word of it.
You never did.
-The Academy Is...

So what, you're comming three weeks in a row, and I'm supposed to be excited. But again, its been ignored this far, and It almost went away. And to be really honest, I liked it like this.
I like not having to 'like' a boy. I like being pretty mcuh 18, and being the confident woman that I have been the last little while.
I don't know. I'm gonna ignore it, and if you show up at my door... I'll deal with it then.

Good Day,
May you enjoy the snow and embrace life,
Laurel

Lonely

In absolutely every way its my fault. there is absolutely no way around it. If I didn't go into outdoor school everything would be the same. Erin, Jill and I would still be friends. we would talk every day still. and it wouldn't be awkward. and we wouldnt' have to promise to keep in touch, because it would just happen. And then when I wasn't in outdoor school I didn't keep in touch. yep. that one's my fault too. good. See.. the absolute worst thing about all of this s**t is that it makes me regret being in ODS. thats all this is, is a HUGE pile of SHIT. and it ALL got dumped on me in september. and honestly, its what makes comming back to regular school that much worse. and NO I'm not over ODS, and I won't be for a while. and frick, now I'm all worked up, because this.... social shit makes my life hell. I could get by without talking to ANYONE all fricking day. and be FINE with it. but NO. please, I beg you, butt your nosy ass into my life. Frick. honestly. all I want... is it to be back to normal. back to grade 10. EVERYTHING was better in grade 10.
Frick. sometiems it'd be nice not to feel so lonely. I never thought that I'd be so lonely that I'd have to blog every night to feel like some one cares, or to be sitting in front of the computer crying at 11:00 at night. I can count my friends on one hand. and I have lost so many friends this year, that it makes everything worse.
I don't know. I'm not gonna waste more of your time wollowing in self pity... again. Just know that I am a very lonely girl, and I like to talk on the phone.

sleep tight,
may your convorsations tommorow be a sourse of joy,
Laurel

Just Breathe.

Breathe Deep.
In, out.
Say it again,
You're over it.

I'm over it?
Never.
It hurts too much.
to let everything go.

Just sigh.
long, loud.
think to yourself,
Its not done yet.

But when will it be?
Never.
to say goodbye,
would hurt too much.

Scream shrill.
Now, never.
Inside yelling,
The pain is here.

Nose Bleed

So, today I've had two (2) major nose bleeds. like, I'm talking, blood streaming from my nose for a half hour at a time. And to say the least, I am drained. I could go to bed right now and sleep till noon tommorow. I never knew that having a nose bleed could be so physically draining. I know, it sounds sick, but I'm not phased by the blood comming out of my nose, because I grew up having nosebleeds, and with Jeremy having nosebleeds, and thats what I get for being a Baillie (aka McLaren). I also get headaches, another McLaren Trait. Oddly enough, my mom seems slightly concerned, and is booking me an appointment to see the doctor. I'm not sure why tho, for the first time in my life, I am not slightly concerned with the strange things that have been going on. Oh, and no, I didn't get a nose bleed from picking my nose, the first one was from simply blowing my nose, and the other one started while I was in the shower. It honestly looked like someone had been murdered in my bathroom, there was blood EVERY where, like,not even exaggerating, in the shower, in the sink, in the toilet, and on the floor, nevermind the bloody kleenexes in the garbage can. it was sick. But now, I can tell how dehydrated I am. like, my mouth is dry, and I feel SO weak.
Anyways, I hope I haven't grossed you out TOO much, personally, I am really not bothered by any of this.

have a good evening,
Stay warm,
and may your descussions bring smiles to your beautiful face,
Laurel

Rather than blubbering about the petty things in my life... I will tell you a couple of cool stories! how does that sound? good? good.

So, yesterday, I woke up, and had a shower, and surprisingly I had an extra 10 minutes before I had to go to school, so, I picked up my bible for some morning Devos. I've been reading in 1 Coninthians, and well.... the passage I read yesterday I wasn't so pleased with, in fact, I totally questioned it. After school, I went to get some homework printed downtown, and went With Erinn and Thaniel, on the way back, we got into a descussion about God/Christianity, and thats when I realized exactly why I had ten extra minutes in the morning, and read that exact passage. You see, Thaniel was talking about his doubts, and the questions he had about christianity, and because of my morning devos, I was able to relate to him in that way, that even still, after how many years of being a christian, I still have my questions, and doubts, and don't agree with everything that I read in the bible. I thought it was really cool how God orchasrated that yesterday.

mmmm, and I've been thinking lately... about sleep. Its such a funny thing, ya know.... you NEED sleep in order to live, its proven, but going to sleep is such a dependant and faithful thing, because you have NO control over what happens while you sleep and if you wake up. See, thats another thing I don't understand nonbelievers have such faith in. Because, if you dont' believe in a higher power, especially a loving God, how can you fall asleep at night knowing for certian that you will wake up in the morning? I dunno. this baffles me.

anyways.. this has been too long already, cuz I need to shower and go to bed.

sweet dreams,
may tommorow be filled with Joy,
Laurel

Bad Day.

well.. today was an overall bad day. Why, you ask? I didn't sleep last night, and hated getting up this morning. My morning was useless... I might as well stayed in bed and slept. This afternoon... it just got worse. I found out that Wednesday is Presentation day for my group, and that we are no where near ready. Especially since our paper has to be in tommorow. so... I came home, and went for coffee with Erin and Jill, and came home to work on it. Well... all we needed to to was print off one copy, and go and get it copied and bound, right? WRONG. I spent over an hour trying to put a leaf in the corner, ended up having to redo the boarder and the leaf, and print off a copy. THEN we went to get it copied, laminated, and bound... yeah, cost $50!!!! unreal! so we came home, printed out more copies, and went back, and got it done for just over $10. (a BIG thanks to Erinn for keeping me sane! and helping me!)
So I just got home and yeah. the rest doesn't need to be said. so I'm off to bed. tommorow... will be worse than today. yipee. make me barf.

Goodnight,
sweet dreams,
and may the stars glitter over you,
like the stars in your eyes make me smile,
Laurel

P.S- everything in my web browser is WAY oversized.......

read it? .....dont read it?

Sitting here, tired as heck, trying to do my homework, with this music playing in my ears... reminds me why Highschool relationships seem so petty. Why, when I was 12, I made the decision not to date untill I was 16. Why, when I was 14, I made the decison not to have sex untill I am married. and why, now, I still refuse to date.
Sure, yes. yes. I am scared of being hurt. scared to death. and thats probably what fules my decisons.
But last night, descussions about boys just reminded me of how petty things can be. how retarded. all you hear guys say is how confusing girls are, well, did you boys ever realize that you are just as complectated?
As of this moment, I quit, AGAIN, for the millionth time in my life, I quit boys. I going to pick up where I left off, pursuing God as my first, and for now, only love.



bah. Lately I've done ALOT of babbling. on and offline.


Laurel

Poem? ..... No Poem?

mmmmm, the tiredness suddenly hit me like a brick. And my heart is a bit heavy tonight. I know it shouldn't be, cuz Zach played a rad show, and my mom bought me a ticket to see Jeremy in March. But my heart is still a bit heavy. why? I'm not really sure.


I'm not a switch you can turn on and off.
I won't always be here, stop taking me for granted.
And sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, Especially you.
I fell hard once, and got burned.
So falling for you won't be easy.
Recent events change everything
My heart ripped a bit more tonight.
Tomorow is the adventure I've been waiting my life for.
And I won't let a boy stand in my way.
I don't want to be another number on your myspace profile
I just want to be your friend.
Footprints in the snow show where I've come from.
And yours aren't always beside mine.



Ok... thats enough for tonight.
Sweet dreams, drive safe,
And may tommorow be the moment you've been waiting for.
Laurel

don't read it. its not worth your time

Well... I'm not really getting anything accomplished, but hey, I've been up for 13 hours already, and 9 of those were spent on homeowork. pretty darn good if you were to ask me. BUT THERE IS STILL MORE TO DO. and I'm drowning. I have never in my life done this much homework for so long. but I guess I kinda put it on myself. so who's to blame? me. so.... I'm done with complaining.
know what would be perfect right now? someone showing up at my door to take me out for coffe. anyone. it'd be so nice. I'm up for a warm drink of some sort... that I dont' have to make myself.
Or climing into my warm bed and falling asleep. that sounds really good too. especially since I think I'm getting a cold. perfect. yeah. I quit homework for now.
sweet dreams
Laurel

Just doing my homework......

Ok, so I'm playing a new game now. Its called... get your homework done, but satisfy your ADD at the same time. Lets hope it works. This is the plan.... For every paragraph in my blog, I will write a write-up in my report. THEN, I should get this thinger done.... eventually. I have 10 to do. I want to get ATLEAST 5 done tonight. Good luck. its already 20 to 11. I'm doomed. I need healthy snacks. but we have none. we have no snacks. mmmmm... maybe that will be my 3 paragraph break.... finding a snack. k, so I'm done one right now... so here goes #2.

Done. Now I'm onto Lester B. Pearson. VERY influential, if you ask me. but hey.... who am I? oh... just a nobody. so... this is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. its kinda easy actually... when I just do it. if it wasn't for my ADD tendancies, I'd already be done, but, seeings how I can't control it..... (new topic) I really have been likeing Damien Rice lately. he's so good. (new topic) you know... its been a while since I've seen a REALLY hot guy. like, just walking down the street. like one of those ones that you can't help but stare at. haha.... I've embarassed myself more than once doing that. haha. maybe I'm embarssing myself now. so... I'm gonna go and write about LEster. what a hot name, hey?

Does TEa make you tired? I hope not cuz I'm totally making myself some. mmmmmm... I'm stoked to drink it. and the company right now is perfect! (new topic) Know what hurts the most? Knowing that to someone, you are, and have been, replacable. that you were there for the moment, and it has passed. that you were an ear, but a newer one has come along. that there is a 'what if.....' that lingers on, and a 'could have been' travels at a distance. Tonight... I have been replaced. Actually... it happened long before now, I just didn't realise it. it took me a while... it really hit me when someone said to me 'if he was going to catch on he would have by now'. yep. and he didn't catch on. and now I am the replaced. ugh. a five minute break turned into a 20 minute break. back to work.

one more to go. one more to go. I can do this. I can do this. I might cry. I'm not even half done. but this is going good. my tea was good too. except the bottom. cuz the honey was REALLY concentrated. you really don't care, do you? thought not. but hey..... I'm just channeling my add... and I think its working! YAY! aren't you excited... cuz now you'll get MORE of these kind of posts! yay!

ok... I'm done for now. I'm getting up at 9, on a saturday, to work on it more. yay!

sweet dreams, and always do it right the first time,
Laurel

oh, just here and there.......

Ah, the sweet oblivion that is procrastonating homework. how sweet it is.
mmmmm, I'm just sitting here thinking of all you wierdos that I've never met, but daily read my post. you creeps, *smiles* how I love thee.
Lets play a game... if you read My blog, post a comment and let me know! aaaaaaaand..... the lucky winner of a random draw wins..... a hug! yay!
mmmmmmmm, I'm so stoked to talk on the phone tonight. after supper. which is fish and chips. I love fish and chips. I think its my favorite. know whats not my favorite? homework. I hate homework. and the librarian at school. she 'shhhhhh'd a teacher today! what a nut job! ah hah!
oh! guess what? Westjet has a seat sale right now! yay! I'm prolly going ot abby this spring sometime! yay!
school today was bum. I hate school. but I'm way over that by now. NOT. I'm listening to anberlin. I am so ADD right now. its so bad. I think I'm trying to be now tho... so that you think I'm funny.
I'm not funny. I promise! I'm just immature and don't think about what spews out of my mouth. or my fingers/keyboard.
Ramdom question of hte day: what is a mausoleum? like in the fallout boy song sugar, we're going down.... there is the line: Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum/I'm just a notch in your bedpost/But you're just a line in a song. WHAT IS A MAUSOLEUM? I really want to know. if you know... please let me know. hey.... if you give me the right answer you can win a SECOND hug! dang! now THAT is a REAL prize! haha!
mmmmmmm, and the third hug goes out to the person who can come up with the best conspiracy theory. I'm all about the conspiracy theories! ....I'm convinced that all cars are programed to hit me... so that one day, I will die, by means of car accident. how brutal is that? I'd say PRETTY brutal.
know what else is pretty brutal? my childhood friend Myles. he hates me now. and tells me that. I think he broke my heart. he WAS my first love, after all.
anyways... back to homework. Shout out, holla back, y'all! (dang... I'd make a swell gansta' eh?)

slowly becoming a piarate,
Laurel

my so called life

Life. Friends. Parting Ways.
What is it about my life, my friends, that makes my life a little bit more complecated every day? I had these two FABULOUS friends, and I got so caught up in my life, I forgot about theirs for a while, and now we don't talk. And there is this other friend of mine, and once I got over the fact that we were never gonna date, well... we stopped hanging out. And my outdoor school friends... it'd be nice if they called me once in a while, or acted like they cared. But what about all of the functioning ones? what about those friends that in a few months I'm gonna leave, so go and start my life? making new friends is not that easy, especially when you are stepping into someone else's arena. here... I have my own ring in the circus... but outside of this fishbowl.... I"m like a fish out of water. After I graduate everything changes. and that scares the crap out of me. in 16 days I become a legal adult. that scares me crapless.
I dont' know.... life is getting complecated. I'm tired of not talking to the people that mean alot to me. And then there is the boy factor. and... the list goes on and on.

I don't ever wanna grow up
Laurel

Photojournalism?

So, me and my camera went for a walk today, and the blood is still rushing into my thighs, making them VERY itchy, while my hands are still a bit stiff, and my cheeks are still cold.
but I was thinking... I don't like how photography seems to be the new fad. like come on... STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOURSELF and then calling it art. sure... self taken pictures can be art.... but when you are the only subject, one word comes to mind..... concieded. And then there are those kids that take pictures that have already been taken..... stop trying to be cool, and find the person inside of you. And then there are those people that are really good at photography... GOOD FOR YOU. honsestly, I am proud of you. so here it is... I'm not following a fad, I've just found what I like to do.

I want to be a photojournalist. I want to use my words and my Art to make a difference. .....maybe.

figuring things out slowly
Laurel

the new year... and the last year...

my bordom has lead me here....

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
I'd say so... a hard year, but a good one, yes.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
haha, YC Sask.... the best weekend EVER... spent with Ashley!
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
....The day I couldn't go to school because I was crying too hard, and the 10 minutes I spent with my dad in ICU and he was totally crippled
4) Where were you when 2005 began?
uh... at my nextdoor neighbor's house
5) Who were you with?
With my neighbor and a japaneese exchange student
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
I was at home, on my couch downstairs.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
I was with Ashley.... who else?
8) Did u fall in love in 2005?
mmmmmm, no, I can't say that I did.
9) Do you regret it?
haha.. YES... EVERY DAY! haha.... clearly.. no.
10) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
nope... nor did I date anyone! therefore there is no way I could have broken up with that person!
12) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
YES! haha... I made ALL of my ODS friends, my Camp friends (aka Steph!!) and Erinn!
13) Who are your favorite new friends?
mm..... see the above list... esp Steph and erinn!
14) What was your favorite month of 2005?
June, that was the MONTH that Jeremy spent at home.
15) Did you travel outside of Canada in 2005?
Nope. too bad.
16) How many different provences did you travel to in 2005?
mmmmmm... all the way to... SASKATCHEWAN!
17) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Yeah, Dwayne Harms Died.
18) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
*smiles* Jeremy.
19) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Finding Neverland and Peter Pan.
20) What was your favorite song from 2005?
ohmygoodness. what a question. lets say... Reinventing your Exit by UnderOath.
21) What was your favorite record from 2005?
uh..... The Everglow by Mae, I'd say. or Never Take Frienship Personal by Anberlin
22) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
erm..... one big one, YC and YC Sask (like weekends of concerts), all the Autumn tides Shows, and a couple other shows at like the basement etc....
23) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
absolutely none.
24) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
zero. I'm such a good kid, eh?
25) Do you regret anything you've done this year?
yes. not keeping in contact with Erin and Jill. it kills me every time I think about it.
26) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
you know what.. no. I don't think so.
27) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
hm...... I don't know. how about we turn it around... what was the worst like you told me this last year?
28) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
yes. and I'm truely, very sorry, from the bottom of my heart.
29) Did anyone treat you badly in 2005?
mmmmm..... haha, except when I called that one guy a dick (because he was being one)... no.
30) How much money did you spend in 2005?
phew... darned if I know.
31) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
That night that Nathan told me he was tired of no one taking him seriously...
32) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
oh... Idon't even know. there's prolly a few. especially those dance breaks at camp. whew... thats embarassing.
33) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
The time in ODS when I got REALLY mad at Marley about a school project and made her cry... I'd go back and give her a little more slack.
34) What are your plans for 2006?
see my life list below... that should give you an idea of where I'm headed.

Laurel

The New Year by Death Cab for Cutie
So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For selfl assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back
So this is the new year

Happy New Year!

mmmmmmmm, January 1st... the first day of the year 2006, 20 days untill my 18th birthday, 6 months untill I graduate, 8 months untill I need to know what I'm doing next year, 49 minutes untill I have to be at church, 6 hours untill bed time, 30 minute drive to my best friends door, 2 day drive to my brothers door, 10 steps to the fridge, seven numbers on the phone away from a phone call, and countless beats of my heart.
Sitting here in sweat pants, an old shirt, and french braids in my hair, I dont' care what I look like, what I sound like, or how I feel. Its one of those days when you are content to sit at the window and look outside all day. Its one of those days that watching movies makes whatever that raw ache inside of you stab at your heart. One of those days that all you want to do is run away, but you have nowhere do go, and no desire to leave the warmth of the seat that has taken oh so long to warm up. Its one of those days when every movie you see, every song you listen to, resounds with something inside your heart.
Its one of those days when your heart is a little bit broken, but you know you were the one that ripped it apart.
One of those days when you know you made a big mistake, and all the future 'what if.....'s' are already racing through your mind. When you know you have the one moment to change everything, but the effort to pick up the phone seems to be too much, cuz you can't find the words. Its one of those days that you remain breathless all day.
one of those days that you need to go out, even tho you don't want to.

I have to go to church. I really don't want to, but who knows, maybe I'll figure out a piece of the heart of God while I'm there.... maybe figure out a piece of my own heart.

Looking for your shadow is harder than it sounds,
Laurel