A Life List

the list is in no particular order..... *are the ones I've done

1)make it to 18 without being kissed
2) take pictures on a REAL safari
2) get a picture I take in an issue of the National Geographic
3) swim with sting rays
4) get a tatoo
5) sky dive
6) go to a thrid world country
7) profoundly impact the life of one person
8) aquire a taste for wine
9) get married
10) have kids
11) sleep in a snow fort*
12) walk in snow shoes*
13) see an angel
14) heal someone through prayer
15) swim in every ocean
16) beat up someone bigger than me
17) make a boy (not one of my brothers) cry
18) travel the world
19) Lead someone to Christ*
20) Look like a REAL princess
21) bungee jump
22) go to bible college
23) be a speaker at a camp
24) write a book
25) be a freelance photojournlalist
26) hold a boy's hand
27) look good in orange
28) meet a rockstar
29) win one of those food eating contests
30) see the alphabet in animals (like A-armadillow B-bear C- cat... you get the picture)
31) go to space
32) witness an olymic event
33) make a mural
34) be in the guiness book of world records
35)meet the queen
36) go to my 10 year highschool reunion... and make it though the whole affair without laughing at anyone
37)be in a movie
38) travel with a band
39) be a missionary
40) backpack europe
41)Learn to play the guitar
42) sing one song completely on key and in tune
43) learn to speak another language fluently


ok... so thats it right now... it will get bigger.... and hopefully I'll get to do it all! haha!

Laurel

tommorow comes so soon

I'm home again, for another night. Now, don't get me wrong... I DID have an option... but that required being a little sister tag along.... and I know how annoying Nathan can get, so... here I am at home.... I'll prolly watch a movie or two.. (seeings how I've already watched two today) and eat some more junk. Maybe I'll go for a walk. mmmmmm, now, that sounds REAL good. I think I'll do that. stop at the mac's store for a coffee, and go for a walk.

I've been seriously looking into a photojournalism program in Bellville Onterio. and its not one of those momentary things that I'm like YEAH! I wanna do THAT! its like... I love to write, and I've always had an eye for photography.... its like all the things that I love to do... in a career. I need some more info. and I'm REALLY scared to go somewhere for school by myself. But then there are all of those other things that are ALWAYS at the back of my mind.... going to get a bachelor's in international studies either in Abby or at Bethany, or Going to a Transit School somewhere. Its funny... I'm totally ok with the thought of going to a christian bible college/DTS internationally... but when it comes to going to a Univercity or buisness College, even locally, I'm beside myself with fear. its like in my mind, I've seperated the good and the bad.... and the christian world is the good..... and anything other than that is like sentancing myself to death. haha! or... then there is always the thought of staying home and working for a year. But somehow that doesnt' seem to be an option anymore.... although it'd prolly be really good, cuz see... I could get a job and save money, Ashley will be here in the city, and the thought of being away from her for a year is honestly the scarriest thing to me besides being away from my mom. and, if I stayed home, I could prolly do more stuff with 24-7. 24-7 has been a big part in deciding what I want to do... because I feel that no matter what I end up doing, it will probably have something to do with it. I just wish I was doing more right NOW. but its such an awkward thing to ask about... 'Hey Dan, I wanna be more involved, I wanna do more... stuff' haha... its not something I'd do or say.
I don't know. All I know is that Deadlines for scholarships and applications are comming up fast, as in the end of January. But honestly... I'm not REALLY concerned, because I just know that God's got something up his sleeve, and HAH! its gonna be something good, and it'll pop up behind me, scare the CRAP out of me and he'll just smile and go 'GOTCHA!' .... its like when you know that someone's hiding around the corner, in the shadows, and you KNOW they are gonna pop out and yell at you... you just don't know when, so you anticipate it, and try to prepaire yourself for it... but you jump and yelp anyways! haha... I love that about him.

Anyways... I'm off to watch some meaningless TV, and maybe phone Ashley... cuz we havent' talked in a LONG time.

Windows are for Chumps
Laurel

how come?

How come I dreaded today, and then enjoyed it? but how come you didn't hold my hand? or hug me like you promised? and how come it wasn't like the movies? how come I told my family it was akward? because it totally wasn't. except for the end, cuz goodbyes suck. But then how come I still don't know how I feel? how come sometimes all I want is for you to hold my hand, but when you are here, you don't? And then when someone askes me, I don't want you to? how come you live so far away? and would things be different if you didn't? how come the silence is so comfortable, when all I want is for you to talk? and how come I want you to talk, when you have nothing to say? and for that matter, how come I don't talk? how come I loose all of my words when I am with you? how come I can't catch my breath? and how come I didn't say all the things I wanted to say? how come it has to be so complecated? how come we talk but nothing gets said? how come you aren't like the guys in all of the movies? how come you don't say the right thing? how come nothing makes sense to me anymore? how come everything goes against my plans? how come I don't have any plans? how come you don't throw stones at my window? or fly to my window? how come you don't take my hand and run away? how come you didn't buy my coffee or open my door? how come you didn't come to the door to pick me up? how come I'm scared of telling you everything that I want to say? how come I'm scared of you? how come you bite your nails? and how come you sat down on the bridge? how come you make too many awkward situations?
how come I have so many unanswered questions? and how come no one will answer them?

Laurel

Merry Christmas

Well, first and foremost, to all of you types that have nothing better to do on Christmas than to read my blog, the best of wishes this holiday season! Merry Christmas!
Now, to my blog....
I've been thinking this season, I've been so worried about what is under the tree, what I'm gonna get, and what I'm gonna get FOR people, and there are SO many people that christmas isn't the same anymore... even for the first time this year. Like the Harms Family, like wow, who knew that they'd be spending this Christmas without Dwayne? My mom and I delivered about 5 care packages yesterday (christmas eve) to a bunch of my mom's friends that for them, this christmas is gonna be different from ANY other christmas before, because of their husbands, or deaths in the family, or whatever, and it just got me to thinking EXACTLY how lucky I am. There is NO doubt in my mind that my parents are still in love, that inless someone dies, every year my christmas will be the same: we are all home, we wake up in the morning, open our stockings, eat our christmas orange, and some breakfast, wait for EVERYONE to be awake, 10:00 is the cut off... you get woken up then, then we open presants, Jeremy and mom match piece of tape for piece of tape, to see who can take the longest with a gift, then I make waffles, then we check out the coolest gifts, mom starts supper, then cleans up the living room, then we do our own things till supper. Thats how christmas goes in my family.and its always been the same, and I really think I take it for granted. sure.. its nothing elaborate, we don't have family reunions or anything, we're lucky if we're joined by a single grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin. but I like it like this, and this year, some people don't get that christmas that they've always had.
Just makes you realize just how precious family is. and I think that society got at least one thing right when they changed the perspective of Christmas from Celebrating the birth of Christ to Celebrating Family, and right now, I'm ok with that. Christ is Part of the family, so in celebrating Family, you continue to celebrate christ.

merry christmas to all, and to all, goodnight!
Laurel

AHHHHHH! CREEP!!!

I think I just met an online pedifile... you know the ones that talk to you online, and then you get to know a bit, and then you meet them, and then they rape you? yeah. one like that. NOT EVEN JOKING. he added me on hi5 (another reason why I don't like hi5), sent me a message, I added him on msn (thinking I'd look at his profile, but he didn't have one), I sent him a message, asking him who he was and JUST how creepy he was. I proceeded to talk to him, kinda hesitational, and like... 'you are creepy, who are you' and he's like 'you're a B****, stuck up, and stuck in your ways, try and be like me, all creepy and such', so I'm like 'whoa man, you are WAY creepy, and don't swear at me' and he's like 'ok, lets start from scratch, I'm heath' and I'm like 'ok, give him a chance, I'm Laurel' and hes all like 'well, we should like meet and get to know each other' and so I go 'oh.. wait.. hold on... I think we just met, why dont we get to know each other now?' and he gets all creepy FOR REAL now and is like 'no, like in person, face to face, for real meet each other' and I'm like 'HOLD ON, THAT IS WAAAAAAAAAY TOO CREEPY... and tell him this' and he tells me I'm a B**** again, tells me to F*** off, and says I'm wasting his time, and 'deletes' me from his contacts. holy. pedifile/raper or what? man o man. why do I attract all the creepers?
the moral of the story is... there really are rapests online, don't talk to them, because they are ALL pedifiles, and stay safe.

I'm locking my window... no creeps can get in that way.
Laurel

I was thinking...

The other night, as I fell asleep, I was thinking about something.... What are the chances, that out of all of the people in the world, there is someone for everyone? that out of all of the people, someone who you are in love with is also in love with you? that EVERYONE has someone? like, what are the chances, that I will find someone who feels the same way about me that I feel about them? honestly, if there is a reason to believe in a higher power who has a plan for you life, I'd say that right there has gotta be proof.
I don't know if I"m making any sense at all.. but hey... thats what I was thinking about.

And right now? If I had a nickel for every time I was supposed to do homework, and didn't, I'd be rich. Right now, I'm sitting here, listening to REliant K and eating Mini wheats right from the box.

What if....
no one was afraid to show who they really are, or what they like to do, or what they are good at? imagine the talent, the indeviduals that would pop up! imagine how walking down the street would be SO different, because I think we all fall subject to society's 'peer pressure', and follow treands, ignore talents to seem humble, and do what everyone else does so that we look cool. honeslty... If I wasn't afraid of what others thought of me, I would have THE ugliest hair in the world, and wear my old jeans with holes in them EVERY day. boy, would I ever be a bum. but hey... thats what I'd do.

ok... so I'm off to do some homework.

I DO blelieve in Fairies,
Laurel

You

You have this personality that you let slip through the cracks. you fall into places where you sell yourself short. you are worth so much more. you shine. there is a reason God fearfully and wonderfully made you. there is a reason you are so beautiful. You have a pourpose. God designed you with a future. You are beautiful. I know you may not think so, but you are. You are special. you have gifts. you have talents. and no one is like you, you are unique. you are special. How do I know this? Because I too am unique, and special. And I know that I am beautiful. but in that area, I am not alone, you join me. Don't sell yourself short. Don't slip through the cracks. You are far too special for that. God has so much more in store for you. You deserve more than that.


Laurel

Just a thought or two...

mmmmmm, Just sitting here... With not alot to say. Sometimes there are so many thoughts jammed into your head, you know? And far too often there seems to be no one to share them with... so I share them with you. thats nice hey? I don't mind it too much.

So, I guess they call this time of year Christmastime. I think I like it. Theres something different about it. I don't know what exactly tho, and to be quite honest I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just trying to get past the fact that I am REALLY annoyed with my faimly, cuz they won't leave me alone, and I just want to be by myself. and its not really working. I think I might go back to watching TV, cuz the Computer just gets me more annoyed.
I was gonna try and do a happy post... but I'm really grumpy... honestly, 8 hours of sleep doesn't cut it for me. I need more. and something to eat.
I'm out... sorry for the bummer of a post, but what can I say..... I don't really care that some of my hair is yellow... it looks like I'm trying to be emo. haha. but I'm totally not emo. thats ok.

Have a great evening
may your night be filled with joy
and may the peace of God move with you,
Laurel

UPDATE

so.... I'm sitting here, with my hair done in a curly updo. and yes... the christmas formal is in an hour, and YES I still have blond in my hair. but its ok, cuz you can't tell that its just my roots, and it doesn't look THAT bad... for now. and the only thing that is keeping me from crying is the promise from ashley- that she will fix it tommorow... because I am NEVER dying my own hair AGIAN. EVER. but tonight will be alright... except for the fact that EVERYONE will find out, cuz there is this one chunk that is not hideable. but I'm over it. its kinda punk.... right? hahaha, the terrible thing is that I was gonna attempt a emo patch. SO glad I didn't go for that. haha. I am officially THE biggest LOOSER........ EVER. so please.... don't rub it in.

Laurel

Fiasco!

ok, so this is what happened.... Nathan got hair dye last night at a gift exchange-the color- blond. So... I"m chunking his hair this morning, and there is a considerable amount left over... so I'm like, hey, maybe I'll do mine, especially since the dye is for hair ALOT lighter than mine... it wouldn't really work. yeah. no. It ONLY took to my roots. thats it. I have random BLOND roots in my HAIR. and its the christmas formal tonight. I HAVE to get someone to take me to get some other hair dye. I gotta do something. but my family doesn't care AT ALL!
I hate this! I am NEVER doing anything to my own hair AGAIN. I hate this!

Laurel

fear has no place here

My heart it can Love. Your heart is Love. fear has no place here. in you alone I rest. you are my fortress, my calm in the storm. I run to you and you are steady as a rock. you are my rock. I hide within you, and fear cannot go there. You are my hope in despiration. Every day, I fall more and more in love with you. its in my heart and not my head. this is real. this is the truth. this is love. and fear has no place here. My words will be yours, my feet will be yours. fear has no place because my words will be words of love.

What a creeper!

So, What happens when I leave an assignment to the last minute, and its over due? I BLOG! haha! but really, I just NEED to tell you about this one guy. he's a REAL creeper. Mr. Rando (who shall remain nameless) Added me on myspace today, and sent me a message AND commented on a pic. now... this would be all good and all EXCEPT for two small things. HE'S OLD (like 23... thats older than my brother... SICK) AND the comment he left was on the one where I'm holding my teddy.... and he said he wants to be my teddy bear. SICK. My brother gave me that teddy bear. ugh. thats so gross. I hate creepers.
Welp.... I really should get to this assignment.... but I'm thinking of setting that guy straight... totally bashing him online.... I'm pretty sure I will now... check his site to see how he fares.... this could be good. I think I'll use some verses too... considering he's not into the whole religion thing...maybe he'll get saved. mmmmmm, I could be an online missionary to the lost peoples of myspace. mmmmmmm this gets better and better.
I'm going to get my first victim. wish me luck.


Watch out Hook, a new kid has come onto the scene.....
LAUREL

Moments

Lets see.. I wonder if Ican take anything thats been floating inside my head and make it understandable.....
yeah. I don't know. This week has been indescribable. Good? No. Bad? No. Numb? Yes. I don't even know where to begin. or what to say. Its also wierd, cuz I totally don't know who all reads this... so anything I say could be taken the wrong way.

I like those moments when nothing needs to be said. Words are unnessisary, and the silence is so perfect. Or those moments when I can just sit there and listen simply to the sound of someone's voice, in the end it doesn't really matter what they are talking about, but I love listening to the voice of a guy talking about God. Its been a while since I've been able to sit and listen. Listen to someone tell only me about the awesomeness of God. Its like those moments when you are walking in the dark, and its cold, but its perfect. I love all of those perfect moments. Those moments when you forget everything around you and everything in your world seems alright, just for a while.
My heart has been screaming, begging for a moment like that for who knows how long... and I'm still waiting.
Its like those friendship, when its all about give and take, when you give and give and give, because you know that eventually you are going to have to take. This week has been my turn to give, and somewhere in there It became so intense that I couldn't stop. When does the moment come when you are willing to make one slight moment good for someone because you know it could be the best for the rest of the week? I think it has something to do with love. Don't get me wrong when I'm talking about love here, because she is my best friend, but There is such a difference between telling somone that you love them and actually doing it.

I don't know. If you have a moment for me, please share it!

I save my thimbals for you,
Laurel

Angels

Today was such a good day. I had THE BEST devos of my LIFE. you see... last night when me and mom were out shopping, we got looking at tree toppers... Angels in particular caught my eye. No one gets them right... and thats why I don't like them. Their faces are wrong, and so are their wings, and they aren't doing the right things with their hands. So today, I picked a random Worship CD, and it had this song, Angels fall down, these are the lyrics:
I saw angels fall down
At the glory of the Lord
And as I raise my hands I see

I saw angels fall down
At the glory of the Lord
And as I hit the ground I see

And I fall down
Afraid and shaking here
And I fall down
Perfectly safe in you

I saw angels fall down
At the glory of the Lord
The hurt and the broken find rest here

I saw angels fall down
At the beauty of the Lord
And as I kneeled I cried to know him

And I fall down
Afraid and shaking here
And I fall downPerfectly safe in you
I'm perfectly safe in youI
'm perfectly safe in you

And it was just like BAM, Angles fall down at the beauty of God, in his glory they fall down, and we, humans, cringe simply at the sight of an angel... how great is the glory of God? I dunno, but I'm sort of scared to find out.
I've been learning how to fear God. and its so interesting. I love sitting att he foot of God, and wonder at his existance. I love the God that he is. I love the simple existance of him, and how a child can just believe that he is there- no questions asked. I love that.
I love that his angels, in all their glorious splendor, fall down at his glory. That they are equipped with not only 2 but 6 wings, with 2 for the soul pourpose to covor their faces, 2 to cover thier feet, and then another 2 to fly with. That they are all men in the Bible. And that they seem to glow with the glory of God.
How do I wish to glow with the Glory of God!! how magnificant would that be? mmm, I would love that.
I love that Jesus is the LOVER OF MY SOUL. and how much more romantic can that get? I don't know, but I love it!

OH! the cleaverness of you!
Laurel

Words

how many convorsations do you go into in a day without knowing where that other person is comming from? without knowing their story? how much of what you say blindly and silently kills someone on the inside?
we are so ignorant to the thoughts and lives of everyone around us. Sometimes we think we know whats going on... but how often do we really? how many times do we guess whats going on, and in order to clarify, we share our ideas with other people? then, creating gossip? How much do our words hurt someone? how many of them lift someone up? how often is our laughter hurtful?
I was reading in Corinthians today, and it said
Those who are crying should live as if they were not crying. Those who are happy should life as if they were not happy. .... Because this world in its present form will soon be gone.
That got me. I dunno. So often we worry about our emotions, and whats going on in our lives. Should we really care if people know where we are at? I Don't know... if we don't live as though we were happy or crying, then how should we live? should we live as if each moment were our last? yes. I think so, becuase it says that thsi world will soon be gone. This moment, this moment that sucks, will be gone. The next moment that I'm happy will be gone. The parts that make my life hell,... will be gone, and all that will be left is me and Jesus, standing in his glory.
The next part, that typically comes in all of this is 'and who will be standing with you?' I hate that. I hate those missionary sermons. those ones that inspire you to go out into the world and get everyone you meet saved. I have a problem. I prefer to live by eample... and hopefully someone will see that I have something they don't. That there is something behind my crying, or happiness... that there is a joy, a freedom that comes with me where ever I go.

I love to think that in every moment I can find Jesus. I can find a lesson he is teaching me. I love the fact that I'm learning to Fall in love with Jesus again for the millionth time. and I love that I love it. I love the feeling that it brings.

I'm wishing to fly away with you
Laurel

Life

So, another day passed, hey?And what do I have to show for it? Feels like nothing, but sometimes when it feels like nothing, its been everything. This whole experience has thrown be back to August. I know its nothing like it... but still.... its Death.
What do I have to say today? I don't even know.
I feel like I'm in that moment in 'Chasing Liberty" when Liberty and Ben are standing on the bridge, harnassed together, and She is breathing so heavy, and he askes her 'Why do it, if it scares you so much?" and her reply is 'the things that scare you the most are the most worth while- just a theory' then later in the movie she states that she is tired of living her life in theory.
I dunno. Life is a theory, isnt it? we all have these theorys, these ideas of how life should be.
I have this theory- Only you can do what you do, say what you say, and live what you live. your experiences are your own, and we spend alot of time wanting everyone else to understand how our experiences have made us who we are. Its all those things, the good and the bad that make us who we that create this thing we label as a personality. The things we learn to live with or live through are the things that add a trait to that list of traits we have. and those create talents, and talents, in turn create experiences.
Life is a cycle, and certain emotions tend to repeat themselves. Like lonelyness... and fear, and sadness, and after all of that passes it seems it is replaced by joy, and happiness. Its like the rainbow after the storm.
I've had alot of storms this year, and it feels like I've spent alot of time searching for a rainbow, when its right behind me if I'd just turn around. I think I'm ready to turn around, and see that rainbow, instead of walking into another storm.
There are so many things that I worry about, so many things that I think that if I ingore them they'll just go away. but in alot of cases, I was wrong.... they aren't even there to ignore. They are just there, and they don't need to be delt with or anything... somethings are just there, and thats the way it is, for good or bad.
situations will come and go and thats what makes us who we are, and alot of those things are inevitable. I think the best thing is to make sure that you know who the captain of your boat is before you set out onto the stormy sea.

I'm not so sure about NeverLand anymore...
I don't really want to have to watch you fight Captain Hook,
Laurel

Speachless

What do I say? I sit here, again. Dealing with yet another bad thing. I've seen the worst things I have ever seen this year. I saw my pastor's kids, who are like siblings to me bawl into my lap, I've watched them learn that their dad is never comming home agian. I watched my mom as my Dad fell in and out of consciousness in ICU, watched her deal with a pretty much crippled husband. I watched my mom Deal with a husband who could die. And today, I watched my best friend fall apart. I watched her sleep instead of watching the movie. I watched her eat the first thing in almost 24 hours. I watched her fall apart with fear that her mom wasn't gonna come to church, and then I saw her melt into her mom's arms. and it broke my heart.
What is this all about? Ashley was at her dearest childhood friend's house last night for a sleepover, and woke up at 3 am to screams. Megan's brother had shot himself in the head. Can you imagine? I'm speechless.
I sit here in a stupor because I was woken up at 8 this morning with the news, and waited all day for ashely to come to my house. But ashley... She woke up at 3 to screams, and spent the rest of the night and the morning in a waiting room of RUH ICU.
I don't know. That was my day. I don't know what else I need to say or am supposed to say.
"Everything changes now." thats what I thought all Day. is it true? how can things be the same? I don't even know.

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
-'Unwritten' ~Natasha Bedingfield



Is my window worth leaving open?
Because my life is being wasted
on the waiting period.
I want to live.

Laurel

Be My Escape

Reliant K
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m servingI admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so longI should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You