The First Day of the Rest of my Life

I wish he just asked me to dance
I wish I laughed instead of yelled
I wish I went out every saturday night
I wish I learned how to skateboard when it was cool
I wish I had stayed at the dinner table just 10 minutes longer
I wish you held my hand
I wish I had enjoyed more suckers
I wish you colored a picture for me
I wish I picked wild flowers for someone
I wish I greeted you with a hug
I wish I had baked you cookies
I wish I learned how to mow the lawn
I wish I called everyone I said I would
I wish I went to all of those partys
I wish I sang louder and danced crazier
I wish I cried in all of those movies

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. and well... there is so much I wish I had done, so much I could have done. and there is still so much I am afraid of, including the dark. I'm scared I won't live life the way it should be lived, and experience each moment as it deserves. I'm scared of not having my family around me. I'm scared of not having any friends. I'm scared of being self-sufficient. I'm scared of being grumpy and miserable. being grown up is not as fun as I had imagined. but then again, I have only experienced one day.
Laurel

Graduation!

ok, so this will be a mostly photo post, cuz pictures are WAY better than me telling you, so.... enjoy!

Erinn and I with our Diploma's! whoo hoo! we are graduated!

Erin, Jill and I, the three of us finally made it! Even though the last year we were 'apart' we did it together!

ODS! CAMPSITE! Jocelyn, Anna and I! Yay for bowman having Grad the same day as Graham!

Me and Mark Dancing! I had to wait like two hours for someone other than Ashley to Dance with me, and even she took some convincing!

Ashley and me! Best friends forever! haha, oh so cheesy!

Kelsey and I sitting on the ground... I think I win the floof competition!

The Family! Mom, Dad, Jeremy, Nathan and me!

Me and Mark! he had to search to find my legs in all of that dress!

So Grad was REALLY good. really worth the wait. The highlight of the night was having a little boy in 7-11 tell me that I looked like a real life princess and that I was beautiful. so cute.It was fun dancing with everyone, and just chatting. Ask me more later! I'm tired of blogging!

ciao!

Laurel

Check out my Eyeball!

Ok, so this morning, I woke up with my eye flaming red again. WHOO HOO! who gets pink eye the day before grad?! I do! I do! so, I thought you would like to see a picture as proof. and the nastyness. cuz it really is bad. and REALLY noticeable. I think I'll have to break the rules of 'no makeup' tonight at my party


My grad party tonight is gonna be AWESOME! if you were invited, and are not comming, boy are you missing out. I think I'm more excited for tonight than I am for actual grad. I mean these are the people that actually matter in my life. the ones that helped shape who I am today, and are going to continue to impact me in the future. These are the friends that actually will stick with me for a while. BUT on the other side, I get to wear a HUGE dress tommorow. wierd. its tommorow. I dunno. it will all be good. and if the worst thing that happens is that my eyeball is flaming red, then so be it, its better than someone getting drunk and hurting themselves on grad night. I will sacrifice my eyeball for that.
have a GREAT day, and I hope you're looking forward to tonight as much as I am! see you in a few hours!
Laurel

today already sucks. I've only been up for like half an hour. I think I may have pink eye. hahha. again. GOOD. I like having pink eye. especially before Grad. FRICK. and I'm having woman problems. I like that too. let me tell you. aaaaaaaaaaand, I'm supposed to work today. GREAT! I love working over church.. EVERY FREEKING SUNDAY!
on the good side, JEREMY IS HERE!! and.... tommorow is my grad party! and grad is on tuesday! and...... I got a didgital camera yesterday! and... I got other presents! and I like getting presents! and I like seeing Jeremy! and... today will be good. even tho some stuff sucks.
and with THAT Bipolar post, I'm gonna go and eat bacon and eggs with my mom. ciao!
Laurel

No Title

Bleh. I'm so tired. And grumpy. this seems to be a trend lately. I'm not sure why.
Although School is like.. done, everything else in life seems to be intensifying. Grad is comming up. I guess thats a bit stressful when Jeremy and Mark & company are comming. (speaking of which, I really need to clean my room). And things with England are starting to be really real. I sent in my application for my visa today, so thats good. and sometime real soon I need to apply for my student line of credit. and work, I have near full time now, so thats pretty inense, I'll be working like 4 full days a week now, thats like 36 hours or more. And everyone at work is so tired and so... snappy with each other. I guess that means that we are comfortable, but its not as... I dunno. And they hired this new girl, her name is Nikki, and she is friends with Nikki. confusing? yeah. but what makes it worse is that both nikki's are 15, and the one thats been working here for a while doesn't do squat, unless you tell her to do it. she has no initative. she can't find stuff to do herself. and when you find soemthing to do, she follows you to make it look like she is working. I dunno. its starting to be really annoying. I sure as heck hope that both nikkis dont EVER work the same shift together, or nothing will happen... I mean besides the obvious taking orders/ serving food/ cleaning tables. they won't roll cutlery, stock pop, clean the benches, NOTHING. I think it will be a joke for both of them.
ah. oh well. what did I say before? yeah... I'm grumpy. and I work the next three days... full days. that will mean I will have worked 4 full days this week and one part day... I'll have exactly 40 hours this week. whoo hoo!
anyways, I'm going to bed.
sweet dreams
Laurel

Sell Out

ok, so there is one thing that I absolutely hate about people- they will so easily buy into fads, and sell themselves out. I hate that. I hate people that become fake to fit in. more than anything. I just hate that. ugh. grrr. just makes me mad, when I see someone selling themselves short. Going for the 'emo' thing right now. going for that look. FRICK. figure out who YOU are, don't be who everyone around you tells you to be. I mean, I'm not perfect myself, but do you see me with short, black, spikey hair? multiple facial percings? dressing in all black? thick rimmed plastic glasses? dark eyeliner? NO! I am my own person. I say what I think, and am who I am. no questions about it.
and the whole fricken high school relationships. GET OVER IT. it won't work out, I promise. ok... so there is like one in a bajillion that work. good for them. but your chances aren't good. And PLEASE don't tell her that you love her. DON'T start throwing that word around. not this early. don't play the game. stop holding her hand. stop playing with her heart.
I dunno. no, wait. I do... I know that there is someone in my life that I am VERY dissapointed in. I didn't think he would sell out this much. Go this far. its like he is going against EVERYTHING that I stand for. and I guess thats the thing, its what I stand for, not what he does. and I can't force what I believe on him. I just wish he could see the bigger picture. realize what consequences will follow what he is doing right now. we all know the quote 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.' well... he's falling for everything, so that must mean he doesnt' stand for anything. I just wish he would realize that the world feeds him lies and he is eating them up. Its just not him.
whatever.
sweet dreams.
don't sell out,
Laurel

Sick and tired

Guess who's sick from finals stress and working too much?!?! I am! I am!

honestly, I will be SO stoked when tommorow is over. you don't even know. but untill then.... I still have to study for my math final, cuz I have no idea whats going on.. still. AND I have to put together my notes and essay planning sheet for my english final tomomorow. and then tomorow, I work, again. surprise surprise. Now that I'm starting to be full time, I really will look like a workaholic. Dustin will be right. darn.
K, but yesterday at work, it was father's day right? so it was REALLY slow untill 5:00, like, almost boring. and including Paul (my boss) there was only four people working. so 5 hits, and all of a sudden we are unreal buisy. like we had people waiting to sit. and for most of the time I was working the front by myself, with a line out the door, and 5 tables waiting for their food to be out that was already made. and then, we ran out of napkins. honestly, the most embarassing thing ever, was having to hand someone folded papertowel. but then, get this, this man walks in (he had eaten at the store) and asks me if I need napkins. I was like 'what?!' and he handed me a thing of napkins. WOW. can you say a god thing? yeah. unreal.
uh... thats it for now. except that its 5 days till Jeremy comes. I'm excited. you already know that. but I am still excited.
oh, and a kid puked at work yesterday. he didn't eat anything, but he was sick. Thank God for Paul and Wally. honestly, I looked at Paul and was like 'I don't know what to do' and he took care of it.
anyways, I'm going to do math. have a good day!
Laurel

Work.

Ugh. I am SO tired. I got called to work ALL DAY yesterday. and I work all day today too. what does that mean? Laurel is not going to get in ANY studying for her math final tommorow. what does THAT mean? she is doomed. no way this is going to go well. I failed my last math test. I absolutely cannot fail this class tho. and I think I'm only going into this test with like a 60% average. frick. and last night I was so useless. I got home, ordered chineese food. showerd. ate. cleaned up. and then... I don't even know what I did. fed the fish? oh, right, I watched a snail move up the wall of the aquarium. I'm sure I was cross eyed for the better part of an hour. so now its 9:00, but instead of doing nothing while I eat breakfast, I think I'll study math. or something like that. I dunno. I hate math. I am dreading this test THE MOST. I just wanna climb back into bed and wake up tommorow and not have to worry about anything. yeah right.
cuz when I finish finals, mom's on my case to start filling out my visa application, phone for a student line of credit, and figure a million other things out. PLUS, I forgot to tell you, I think I got full time at work, so thats gonna take up alot of my time. its good tho, cuz I'll make some good money, and be deffenetly able to buy a laptop. My cousin picked one out for me (he's like a genious, and was a computer salesman for a while) that will only cost like $770, and its a good one. so THAT is exciting.
Grad is in just over a week. can you say stoked to wear my dress? or more like stoked to see jeremy in 6 days?! I'm excited for my grad party too. it will be good to see everyone all at once. and be able to thank all the people that impacted my life so far.
anyways, I'm just wasting time now.
have a good day!
Laurel

like fifteen bajillion unrelated thoughts

so I have thirteen bajillion different and unrelated thoughts running through my mind right now. and I just may share them with you!

Today, was the best day of my life. ok, probably not, but its up there. I officially completed my last day of high school!! and I went to the school play(s) tonight- rediculously funny. unreal. best time EVER.

next thought.

The new dixie chick's song- not ready to make nice- really relates to how I feel about russel still. I dunno. I've been thinking about him alot lately, and quite frankly, I'm not ready to make nice, not yet anyways. I just don't want to have ANOTHER awkward convorstation with him. I had way too many already. 'I don't have time to go round and round and round.'

next thought.

I noticed Ian pulled back today, he still walked me home from school, he actually picked me up from class today. well.. and he walked me to class. so in that sense he did more than usual. But he hasn't startet talking to me the minute I log onto msn, and we didn't stand and talk as much as we did all week. maybe he really is studying for his physics exam. well... whatever the case, I think its for the better, cuz as I said in the last post, I forgot myself, and wasn't guarding my heart, which I know I shouldn't be so strict in every situation, but knowing that he moves in two weeks, and Jer and Mark both want to beat him up... I know that its best if I just let things be. which is what I'm doing.

next thought.

Milissa likes Jared. haha. I remember when I liked Jared. its kinda funny...

next thought.

I am like an adult now. now that I'm done high school. I'm like an adult. creeeeeeeepy.

next thought.

I'm stoked for Grad. holy. floofy dress. crazy dancing. a few tears.... maybe. some good times. chocolate cake. staying up late doing.... nothing cuz I'm not going to aftergrad. good times will be had by all.

next thought.

I don't think I actually like Bright eyes. he's far to cynical. but then i'm pretty cynical myself. I don't think you should feed cynicism... could lead to bad things, I think thats how you make a serial killer. or soemthing like that. WATCH OUT!

next thought.

world religions final exam tommorow... WHAT A JOKE! can you say cheeting? I don't even feel bad about it, cuz he encourages it! its absolutely rediculous! AND its open book too.... so stupid. which reminds me, I really should organize my notes, they are a MESS. and by notes, I mean the bajillion handouts that he gave us that I haven't read yet.

next thought.

it is unreal beautiful out, worthy of a walk. perhaps holding hands... but then again I don't have a hand to hold. except for ians... which by the way are REDICULOUSLY small... and gross. not good hands. thats important. plus, I don't even want to hold his hand. anyways... I can't believe I went there. the point is, I think I'm going to go outside to organise my notes on the lawn. have a good night.

sweet dreams,
Laurel

sad thoughts... a little bit.

The last couple of days, I've found myself reminding myself that I need to "Guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
Its really hard to look at a guy who actually likes you, and not want to take advantage of that situation. hah. especially when you know that your younger brother has done more with a member of the opposite sex than you have. dang.
whats really hard is to be content from one day to the next, because as you go along you see things that you don't have, things that you want. Its hard to look at those things, especially when they are offered to you, and realize that you don't need that, and that in fact they might even be bad for you, and then turn it down.
I dunno. Life is complecated.
how come in TV shows about teenage life, they have to have a monumental horrific event in each episode? honestly, you could produce one problem at the begining of the series, and watch a teen struggle to find their way through ONE problem, rather than a bajillion events. If a real life person was to go through that, I wouldn't blame them for commiting suicide.
I was thinking about that the other day. When we were watching Hamlet in school actually. It must be absolutely terrible to be in a state where life is so bad, so overwhelming, that you don't know how to start to deal with everything, so you just end it. like Ophelia in Hamlet, she was grieving to the point of madness. how terrible would that be? I can't even begin to imagine.

Tommorow is my last day of high school ever. I don't know how I feel about that. Well.. obviously I am stoked out of my mind. but I think i might be a bit sad too. its funny to think that 10 years from now we won't even care who each other is, or what they are doing. I dunno. just a thought there.

anyways, I have a headache from this post, too much thinking.

Above all, Guard your heart, for it is the Wellspring of life,
Laurel

Does it mean anything? probably not

Last night I had this dream, and I'm not the type to tell everyone about alot of my dreams, but this one is haunting me.
This guy, Justin, liked me in like grade 9, and well... after that didn't work out, I guess he got into some pretty bad stuff, right (PS- this stuff is not the dream, this is for real life), like drug dealing and stuff like that, and as far as I know he is in jail right now, cuz he got caught with a crap load of cocaine.
Anyways, I had this dream, and Justin's really wanted me to go and see him, but his family was really against it, but they were like, 'if it helps him heal, you need to see him' so I went over to his house (which was a trailer) and all of his family, aunts and uncles were there. so a cousin takes me to the front door, where I am examined by his mom. I guess I was alright, cuz she sent me into Justin's room. I sat down on the foot of his bead, and he burried his face in my stomach and just bawled. and I just sat there holding his head as he cried.

thats it. does it mean anything? probably not. but its funny when you dream about someone you haven't even thought about in like a year.

Laurel

I am Tired

I hate to complain, but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. you don't even know. and the worst part is knowing that I need to be doing homework right now. and that I need to tonight, and tommorow spare, and tommorow after school. knowing that I will fail my math test this afternoon, and hoping I'll get my essay done by wednesday. can you say STRESSED?
add to that, that today is my last Monday of high school EVER, and yeah, I guess that makes me sad. as much as I hate school, its safe, and a week from today, everything will be new (haha and by new I mean the math final that I will be writing... HA)
I dunno. I'm overwhelmed with stuff to do and things to feel. AND I am rediculously tired, and hungry, but I don't know what to eat.

has anyone ever told you that they like the way you smell? like your personal smell? I get it all the time (I guess it must be good), and I wonder what I smell like. do you ever wonder that? I do, all the time.
yesterday at work I had to bread schnitzel, and by the end my left hand was coated with dry pig blood.
the last two school days (friday and thursday) I got walked to class by a boy. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have no idea what that means, but I sure as heck hope it doesn't mean that he likes me. oh, right, we already descovered that he does. too bad.

anyways, I'm gonna find something to eat. have a good day. don't get overwhelmed!
xox,
Laurel

The last two days...

these last two days have been so hectic and so surreal that I don't even know where to begin. so maybe I won't.
Yesterday was kinda like the begining of the begining ofthe rest of my life. Ashley's grad was kinda like the kickoff, the major reminder that in less than 20 days I will be my own person, my own adult, and responsible for my life. wow.
These last two days have been a major reminder to me of how I am not alone. and how great friends are. how great it is to belt 'Dark blue' (by jack's mannequin) real loud at 4:00 in the morning. how fun it can be to go to a garage sale. how dumb bowling REALLY is. how fun things can be. how the word 'balls' can be oh so funny! its just been really great to just sit back, watch and laugh. to really be myself these last two days and not worry about what anyone thinks. I like knowing that I really don't care what people think of me. I like being me. and I like my friends. they are so good to me.

work today was something else tho. the whole time, besides thinking 'I don't want to be here' I was asking God, 'what are you trying to teach me today?' and it wouldn't come. as I washed a literal moutain of dishes, as I spent my exact second day in the kitchen at supper rush hour with only one person to tell me what to do, and pretty much stranded. as I spent a literal hour wrapping cutlery. as I did all of this, I was asking God 'ok what is it that I need to learn' and it just didn't come. perhaps contentment?

but when its all said and done, as I sit here tonight ready to fall into bed, I am content. I love where I am at right now.
with that, sweet dreams,
xox,
Laurel

You were like a hurricane to me

haha, good story.
There is this guy in my math class. and he ah... stares at me all class. and he has these eyes, so creepy, they are like, sunken but they bulge all at the same time. unreal. anyways, so I've noticed him all sem, and even been uncomfortable. and of course I am polite and chat with him every now and then, just to be nice, cuz you can't be mean, right? so today, somehow he ended up with our group of friends (wich is wierd cuz he's a frenchie), and I was all chatty and everything, which I guess he hasn't seen cuz I'm usually really grumpy in math class, and I dunno how he took that, cuz at the end of math class he came over and was like, haha, it was WAY dorky 'ah... do you have msn?' and as I said yes, I was already writing it down, and he was like 'could I have your adress.... well.. I guess I really didn't need to ask for that, did I?' haha! he was so awkwardly nervous! I almost laughed at him!
like dang, he had four years to get out of his frenchie group, find me and ask me out, but he had to wait untill the last week of school to ask me for my msn? haha, what a weener. I'm mean. oh well. he'll get over it. just adds a bit of excitement to my life.
haha, I kinda hope he asks me to dance at grad, cuz then I'll never see him again for the rest of my life. poor guy. I hope his hopes aren't too high. I don't want to completely crush him.
does it make me sadistic to be enjoying this as much as I am? I hope not. its just amusing to watch him watch me, and be really creepy and nervous. I'll be so glad when all of this highschool drama crap is over and... yeah... I got nothing.
anyways, thats todays story. I hope you enjoyed another day of my adventures, and another tale of the boys in my life.
xox,
Laurel

P.S. if you don't listen to The Spill Canvas, you need to, pretty much the love of my life. SO GOOD. I promise there is no way you can not like them.

Whose to say that you're right?

This semester I have taken a class in World Religions. while this has been for the most part been the most useless class of my life, due to a really crappy teacher, I will walk out of the class having learned one thing.
I look at every other religion, and the way they practice and worship, and I call that wierd, but they will, in turn, look at me, my worship, and my religion, and call that wierd. I will look at them, and call them wrong, and they may look at me and call me wrong. But when you really look at religion, they were all created in very seperate parts of the world, at different times, or in some cases, at the same time. what does this mean? does this mean that I am right and they are wrong? just because those that practice, say hinduism (which is claimed to be the oldest religion) are going to hell, because they weren't living in western europe when Christianity flourished? because they were in the 'wrong place at the wrong time'? who am I to say that what they believe is wong?
for that matter, who am I to say that I am right? and how can I condemn someone to hell? or set out to convert a practicing muslim to christianity? I can't. I can't tell someone that they are wrong. I can't even say that I am right.
and thats my problem with the christian Church. they are so convinced that we are right. that we have got it all together, when in fact we are the least accepting religion in the entire world. Do you know that Hindus blieve that everyone has a life after death in reincarnation, and even if you are not a hindu at ALL you CAN recieve a higher status than Human in your reincarnation? I think that is the best example ever. When us, as christians look at everyone else, the natives, the wiccans, the muslims, budhists, hindus, sikhs, b'hai, athiests, everyone, we look at them and tell them that they are going to hell. to be eternally damned into eternal pain and suffering. is that christian at all? are we even loving those people?
no. we are judging them, condemning them, and being no example to them at all. all we are doing them is showing off our hyppocrite abilities. I mean, thats what we are isn't it? hypocrits? we preach love and go out into the world and tell everyone else that they are wrong.
we tell them that their 'God moments' (just like the ones you and I have every sunday) aren't actually real. that those shivers, those miracles, aren't real. wow. thats pretty damn gutsy.
especially when they turn around and love us. ok. so thats not completely true. but its not like we have set a real good example of how to love others. have we? clearly not. instead, we thrust ourselves into this never ending cycle of hatred and unacceptance.
I don't know. all I know is that we are pretty darn unaccepting, and maybe thats why our population is declining in Canada. Maybe what we need to start doing is showing and not talking. stop preaching. stop the missions trips to convert people. start serving. start loving. stop being so strict with rules. start letting the loosers into the church. start REALLY helping those on the streets instead of telling them that Jesus loves them and hope that saves their lives the next time they go and get high. Why don't we start going to the high school parties, not to convert our friends when they are drunk, but to simply drive them home, and make sure that they are safe. why do we not swear, hoping that someone asks us about it so that we can preach at them? why do we have to wear shirts that have jesus sloagans on them hoping that someone will read them and be convicted? why don't we just make sure we dress conservatevly, and let that be enough? Why are we scared of Dancing at church? why do we just stand there reading the words off of an overhead? why can't we dance? make up our own words? tell God what we really feel? why do we stick ourselves into a little christian box and do the things we are 'supposed' to do?
I dunno. I'm tired of living the life thats expected of me from the church. I want to dance. I want to embrace people of another religion. I want to serve. I want to love. I want to stop judging. and I want to be the best I can be. and sometimes thats restricted by what I'm supposed to do so that I can get into heaven.
but my name's already in the book, and that should be enough.
Laurel

I am so grumpy right now. I worked all weekend, today was the worst of them all. and I know that I NEED to do homework, math and world religions, but I have absolutely no desire to do so, nor do I have the patience to do it. so I'm not gonna. bad attitude hey? at the same time, I don't just wanna sit around and watch TV, which is prolly what I'll do, but I don't want to at all.
I dunno. thats all for now. sorry, this is a lame one.
xox,
Laurel