From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

over and over and over I'm running this comming tuesday through my mind, trying to figure things out:
I wake up at 9, becuse Mom says I don't have to go to school, but still that early because I'm going with Linda (my neighbor) to pick up Jeremy at the airport at like 10. Then she drives us home, we grab some money and some food for us and mom, hop in the truck and head to City hospital, hoping to see dad, but knowing it won't happen, because he's getting prepped (I wonder if they have to shave his chest?). So we sit with mom, well, Jeremy and mom talk and I just sit there, because I have nothing else to do. Or maybe I'm at home watching movies with Nathan. But Dad's operation lasts from 12-4 or 5.
What happens on Monday? well... I'll go to school, like I'm doing today, but I'll be in that daze, somewhere between reality and make believe, in that place where you don't know whats gonna happen. Maybe, well, hopefully I'll get to see dad after school.
What happens with school? Today I'm talking to all of my teachers, letting them know. Mom phoned Guidance this morning, which is good, now Administration knows. But next week is like the biggest assignment in Integrated (english/history), and I can't put in the time that I need to to even pass the assignment, never mind get a good grade, PLUS I have a math test (which inless Jeremy and Mark help me with it I'll fail) AND two assignments and possibly a quiz in life trans. Yeah. talk about death. PLUS I have to do everything at home while mom is at the hospital. Grandma may or may not be comming to help, considering Jer and Mark are gonna be here.
Everything is happening so fast. And there is nothing I can do about it. I am reminded of that verse in Corintians "the lord said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.'" I'm so weak... But Gods gonna shine through. who knows how this will turn out, what will happen? I sure don't. nor do I want to until the time comes, but until then, I will remain weak.
Laurel

Dooms Day

As of this very moment, only Me and my mom know. Jeremy Doesn't know, Nathan doesn't know, and My Dad doesn't even know. I know that out there in the world of internet and such, I have a few people praying for my Dad, and I really apreciate those prayers. But I just, plead for all of you to pray for him right now.
10 minutes ago my mom hung up the phone from talking to a nurse at the hospital... Dad goes in for a triple bypass surgery on tuesday. he goes in on monday, and spends around a week there. yeah. hello. in and out, in and out. Remember to breathe. I can't even think right now. Jeremy won't get to see Dad before he goes in. Jeremy comes home on Tuesday, Mark on Wednesday. I don't have to go to school on Tuesday.
This is surreal. Dad is gonna have his chest ripped open. Sure, this is a highly developed, and perfected operation, but still, the risks are there. triple. thats like all of your arteries. what happens is one messes up? can you bleed to death on the inside?
Mom says that we will only get one presant this year for christmas, in a tone like she is sorry. A perfect christmas this year would be to have dad healthy (er), and Jeremy home. thats all I want for christmas. Everything else seems pointless.
All I can think of right now is Dwayne Harms. In so many ways he was just like my dad. The last time My dad saw Dwayne was when they were both out for a run (not together), and Dad had to slow down to a walk, and Dwayne passed him running. you need to know that my dad NEVER walks when he's running. NEVER. Funny how Dwayne Died.
Sorry to be morbid. this is what I'm thinking right now.
I'd really appreciate a phone call tonight... just to talk about anything but this. or something like that, maybe get out of the house. I dunno. Maybe I won'tt want that. Maybe tonight I'll go for a walk with dad. I dunno.
Laurel

94% Loner

Yeah, thats right, all of my fears were confirmed when I took a quiz this afternoon. I really am a loner. Meh, I'm quite over the fact by now.
Have I ever told you about Erinn? well, ok, so at the beggining of the sem, when I was really down, and REALLY a loner, I just kinda, every now and then would plead for God to send me someone at school. Not fully believing that he would. Sure, he'd done it for other people, but things like that don't happen to me. Well, maybe I'm blowing this WAY out of preportion at this stage, but hey, stranger things have happened. you see, one day she shows up on myspace. thats cool, and we exchanged msn addys. That was sweet... I do that with alot of people, and don't relaly talk to them. Well, I've talked to Erinn alot lately, and She's the sweetest EVER, and totally has a heart for God. Maybe God did send me someone.
Yeah, things are starting to turn around at school. Friendships are starting to be repaired, convorsations are becoming less awkward. School feels more like the way school should feel. Just one thing is missing, that I had last year--> Guts. I don't do the things, or say the things the way I did in ODS. and that sucks. I'm not really myself at school. I'm quiet and shy. I hate that. Maybe thats the next thing.
anyways... I'm gonna leave, cuz I have nothign else tosay.
yours lonerly,
Laurel

Look at ME!

ok, just because I am bored, and procrastonating writing an essay, AND because this is the best one I've seen yet.... you get to read ALL ABOUT ME!!

10 Firsts:
First Best Friend(s): Jen and Nikki
First Screen Name: um.... I honestly don't remember, prolly something really dumb
First Pet: I have fish.... lots of them have died un-named. how tragic.... NOT!
First Piercing: I got my ears pierced in grade 3
First Crush: um... Jared Ens.
First Music: some luliby tape from a long time ago.... I guess.
First Car: dont' have one.
First love: JESUS!
First stuffed animal: Teddy didn't have a name. but before that was pink baby, but I guess she was a doll....

9 Lasts:
Last Cigarette: how about cigar?
Last alchoholic beverage: um... when Jeremy was home last I drank some of his wine. but it was nasty!
Last Car Ride: Yesterday....no.... sunday, to church. thats kinda bad. I mean, I walk to school...
Last Movie Seen: um..... The Lizzy Maguire movie/ Rockadoodle
Last Phone Call: I talked to Ashely till 11 last night
Last CD Played:um... Mae- Destination: Beautiful
Last bubble bath: oh, like a year ago.
Last time you cried: um.... Sunday? or saturday? I don't remember.

8 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: no, I've never dated anyone.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: too bad, I wish I had been!
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: haha... yeah.
Have You Ever Been on TV: I've been on the news like 3 times!
Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Then Regretted It: pahaha, I'd be happy if someone kissed me.
Have You Ever had a Sex Dream About Someone You Knew: uh, yeah, I have sex dreams all the time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! no.
Have you ever had sex: sick. don't even talk to me.
Have you ever cheated: yeah, once on a test I wrote the answers on my leg.

7 Things You're Wearing:
1. my "Love" Jeans
2. maroon long sleve shirt
3. Navy sweat shirt
4. grey/white socks.
5. Undies (well.... you'd be concerned if I wasn't... wouldn't you?!)
6. my watch.
7. the mysterious braclet from camp

6 Things You've Done Today:
1. Wrote (as in I still am) an essay
2. went to school
3. beat up Nathan (as in my little brother)
4. danced around the house
5. ate
6. peed.

4 People You Can Tell [almost] Anything to:
1. AShley
2. Nikki
3. My mom
4. Jeremy

3 Choices:
1. Black or White: I don't know. White.
2. Hot or Cold: erm.... hot. cuz I like hot showers
3. Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!!!

3 Things You Want to Do Before you die:
1. Get married
2.Bring others to christ.
3. Become more like Christ

1 thing you regret:
I regret all the friends that I dumped when I was in ODS, and not keeping in touch with them.

Ok, so I just want to say that whoever made this SUCKS AT COUNTING!!!!! anyways.... if you're a keener, you can do this, and post it as a comment, or on your blog, and tell me where that is, so that I can waste more time by reading yours! sweet!
Laurel

Someones that I used to think I knew

"So I'm burning the thoughts of the things that I once said
Because you tore down the walls that the world that has put inside my head
And I just get of sick of things that we think, we think we know"
-The Rocket Summer "Never Knew"

I don't know why, but today I've been really thinking about boys. Boys in my life, boys that used to be in my life, and boys in General. Its a funny thing to think about.
I bought a pair of boys shoes today. I always pick boys clothing over girls, well, usually. the reason? I want to be respectful of my brothers, I don't want ot be the reason they stumble. But my question is, can I cause a man to sumble, not because of anything physical, but rather emotional, the way a boy would make a girl stumble? Bounce my thoughts, is what I'm told to do, so what do I do? Blog my thoughts. about boys. three boys are in my mind right now.
'Remember Justin? I wonder what happened to him?' oh. I know. He's not doing so good. publicly, like this, I can't tell you details, all I can tell you is he is in pretty rough shape, last I heard of, and that was 6 months ago. conincedace that this all started when I stopped phoning him? I don't believe in coincedance.
nameless, will the other two remain.
#1, he's, a case. "let him off easy" was the advice I got. look what happened last time I tried to let someone off easy, it didn't work so good. neither did this time. he thinks something else. and I don't want to revisit that place, ever again.
#2 haha, there's not much that I can say. just that I need help. I don't know where eather of us stand, and that sucks. alot. ok, so I know where I stand, but where does he stand? and how do I find that out? and do I have to make the first 'move'? cuz thats strike one.

And the other thing is, I'm on 17, whats the rush? what am worrying about all of this for? well, back int he day, I would have been married for 5 years now, everyone else is dating, and I'm gonna be 18 and never been kissed. on the other hand, things are so much more complecated when you are attatched to someone else. And what happens if you break up? that sucks.
Laurel
-->let me know where you stand

I sat there,
taking it all in,
but not really understanding.
I've never been there,
never done that.
but you have,
you all have.
I'm so sheltored,
protected as you like to say.

you tell me
I'm not a flirt.
but what you don't know
that inside, I'm begging.
You tell me I'm pretty.
Well, 'hot' is what you said.
But thats what you're supposed to say
You always say what you're supposed to.

One day, you're gonna tell me the truth.
like that one time
when we were younger
sitting on the tire swing.
You told me how you really felt.
No lies, no hiding.
Because this time,
I won't seek you.


Ok. So that just came out. Its a mixture of things that I've been thinking lately. I know I'm not a poet, but my sad attempts are what make me..... I don't know, all the more pathetic.
Laurel

a new day

ook, so today is a new day right? the new day brings swollen cheeks (as in only one), headaches, missed math exams, and more school to attend. YAY! not. I woke up this morning at 7:30, well, not really tho, cuz I rolled over, turned off my alarm, and rolled back to my good check (as in on my face and not my butt) and fell askleep for another 20 minutes. Mom woke me up at 7:50, and I got up and got dressed, took drugs (no! I don't smoke pot... but I need the Iveprofin to live right now), and realized that I would die at school if I went, so I went back to bed for another 2 and a half hours, only to be awoken by my mom to go to school. BUT things were looking brihter, cuz when mom left my room, she left a booster juice, OH SUCCULENT BEAUTY.... too bad it didn't have any pommegranet in it. I came home to chicken noodle soup for lunch (my mom really DOES love me!) AND (dum dum dum) a 'surprise' in the fridge, and I opened it to find a small thinger of Raspberries! Dang, I should get ALL of my wisdom teeth pulled.
Now wait. as I sit here typing this, I realize that I am not hte only one in pain today.... amidst the hundreds and thousands of hurting people, there is one other that I would like you to remember in your prayers today---> Zach Lucky. he had surgery today, something to do with his ear... he's told me the legistics of the surgery coming on to about a million times, but I still have no idea what exactly happens, something to do with a skin graph, and putting it on his dear drum.. maybe. I don't know. but he really wasn't looking forward to it, so just pray for him today. I've been trying to think of something that I could do to cheer him up today, but I can't really think of anything, if you have any ideas, please let me know!
anyways, I need to take some drugs and go to school. Peace.
Laurel


I cant believe that I signed off with peace. thats so dorky. I'm a dork. this is pathetic. I need to leave now. but still, I stay and embarass msyelf by staying and typing more and more and more and more. LEAVE NOW. ok. I'm leaving. just after I type this. bah. now you think I talk to myself. which I do. ooops, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that. ok, this is the end. right...... NOW.

no name

ok, so this is just my way of communicating with the world at the moment, because half of my face is frozen and numb, and I feel like its 5 times the size of the other side. You see, about a half an hour ago I got my FIRST EVER wisdom tooth pulled. as of right now, I feel just fine, but I'm kinda concerned about when the freezing comes out.... but that won't be for like another.... 1-2 hours.
What I really want to tell you is about last night. You see, last night was the Underoath concert. and while the concert was FREEKING AMAZING, and I would love to tell you about it, there was another event that I would like to tell you about. So, Me and Ashley and Ben are headed into the mosh pit, right? which is all well and fine, even tho I kinda have a paranoia since the concussion. anyways, I'm allright with this... but then I realize how tight people are, and being closterphobic, I'm kinda having a problem with things... but hey, anything for underoath. right? so we're in, and we meet up with Zach, Evan, Graham, Chris and Josh, which is good... I feel safer when I'm 'with' the christian guys... such as them. so, then Underoath comes on!!!!!!!! YAY! but then the pit starts moving. back and forth, up and down, and for me, this is like death. everything, bums, elbows, armpits, everything is nose level. not so fun. plus I'm getting hit in the stomach, everyone else's sweat is on me, and I just couldn't do it, so I told Ashley that I had to get out, and started to leave, which is kinda hard, I had to hardcore push to get out. on my way, I see Amy Wall, which was cool, so I stopped to say hi, then continued on. a few people later, I go past this guy. and he grabbed me. I've never done anything with a guy before. this was the worst thing ever. he just grabbed me, and looked at me. so I pushed him a way, and pushed on through the crowd. finally I broke into the cool air. then, I realized I was alone, in a concert. oh well... its Underoath... so I stood, and sang, eventually met up wiht Graham and Steph. then I met up with the other boys... but not ashley and Ben. (by the way, Thanks so much Zach and Graham for taking care of me last night... you will never know how much I appreciated it!). Anyways, the point of this story is..... well, there really is none.
Do you know what? I want to weep for those icons that dont' know Jesus. like Bert from The Used. he dropped the f-bomb so many times last night, (pause, I need to check my gause) (man.. I'm really bleeding pretty bad) I just wanted to cry. so many people live like that, and dont' know any better, don't know how free they really can be. It is so... I don't know. Christians too often look at people like Bert, people like Britney Spears, Emmenem, and the list goes on, and condemn them, point out everything that they do wrong, the way they dress, things they say, their lifestyle choices, but do we ever think about their lives? put ourselves in their shoes? think about what it takes to be them, what made them who they are? and how hard it would be to be different? no. we dont'. we think about how many f-bombs they drop in a concert, and judge them on that. I don't know. I think I'm going to start praying for social leaders and celebreties.
I'm excited for this week. I don't know why. but life, I'm just so ready for it to be good, I'm gonna make it good. whatever it takes. besides, the sun is shining, and I'm listening to Anberlin, what can go wrong? ....except for the freezing to leave my face.
I'm out. thanks for reading,
Laurel

....a thought for now

Life can be so much more complecated than it should be. sometimes it can be more stressful. sometimes more painful. sometimes more agrevating. tonight was all of that. But I was aslo able to have a really good convorsation with a friend. We haven't talked like that for a while, and it was good. It was really good, and I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world tonight. pretty much it made a bad evening good. and I like it when things turn out like that.
But there is still all the madness that is my life. I like it when I forget about those things for a while. sometimes I wonder if I am trying to grow up faster than I should. I wonder if that is possible when you are only 17.
.....subject change.
Have you ever had this one thing, something that you just know is going to happen, you are just waiting for it to happen? yeah, totally have that. and I dont' know how to spend my time waiting. I don't know how long it will take either. hm. thats something thats been on my mind alot lately.
but, considering I'm really sick, its reallytime for me to go to bed. sweet dreams.

The drama that is my life.

hm. as I sit here typing, I am dealing with one of the friendships that I ruined. I butchered pretty much all of my friendships while I was in ODS, weather I kept in contact with the people or not (mostly the latter). ok, this has upgraded to two friendships that I've completely skrewed myself over for, and they were my best friends at school. frick. the perfect way to end a terrible week. yeah, camping was as bad as I thought... plus it rained. I'm not gonna go into details, but let me tell you that I was the mom of 5 girls that are the same age as me for 3 days. it sucked. I wont' deny that. PLUS, I think I have tonsilitus, I'm gonna see the doctor tommorow. Last time I had it, I had it like 4 times in a month and a half, and was on the strongest 4 antibiotics that are ont he market.
So as I sit here, dead tired, and trying to figure out what to say to a friend who is.... I dont' even know how to say it.... THIS SUCKS. A WHOLE FREEKING LOT. Why can't everything be ok for a while? Sometimes, I just want to think about nothing. but oh, no! not me! I've got so much on my plate, so much emotional. bah. I want to quit.
If your really excited about life, and want to cheer me up tonight, I'm not doing anything, and I'd really be up to having you over for a chick flick, and eating chocolate ice cream.
Laurel

bah humbug

well, life sucks right now. today was a great day. but right now sucks. I'm leaving ona trip tommorow that I really don't want to go on. I've spent the half hour crying about it. yes, thats rightm I'm weanie enough to cry about it. .....and that seems to make everything else suck. I am dead tired. I'm off to bed right away, but I really just wanted to tell you that life sucks. how many times have I said that? hopefully enough to convince you to pray for me this week. other than that..... I got nothing.
Laurel

A bad day can only get worse

Today sucks. Its only lunch. I don't wanna go back to school. I hate school. I hate math. I hate life trans. Ihate my spare. I hate my morning. I hate my afternoon. I hate it all. Math, I got every freeking question wrong. I don't understand why. I think I'm doing it right, I undertsand everything the teacher teaches, but I get every question wrong still. I hate it. Then, I had a spare. whatever. usually its good, but today I had to stay at school because of school pictues. I hate school pictures. so I sat and read Red Moon Rising. which was good, but still, I was in the building, and I hate that. THEN, in life trans, Mr. Cooper made me think about what I was doing with my life. Make me barf. I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and being forced to think about it makes me want to cry. I'm only freeking 17, and I have alot of life to live still, so STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO SOMEONE I'M NOT! I dont' want to be rich. I could live without a job, being a stay at home mom. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with being 25, and still not knowing what I'm doing, but working at a dead-end job. I'm ok living a life with no rules. I don't want rules. I dont' want to go to schoool. I dont' want to go to the trip on wednesday.
Know what else I hate? when I talk to someone I haven't talked to in a while, and they ask me if I have a boyfriend. NO!!! I don't have a boyfriend. and quite honestly, I dont' want one. that complecates my life, and frick, If I can't figure out what I'm doing with my life, how am I suposed to be responsible enough to have a relationship.
Bah. I am so grumpy. I am so angry. I just want to do nothing. I don't know what I want to do. I want to leave. I want to get out of saskatoon. away from everybody, and everything. I want to forget everything for a while. there is so much happening, and it all sucks.
Dad is having a triple bypass surgery. Our church is officially looking for a new pastor. School is really in swing. Ashlynn doesn' t talk to me anymore. Jeremy is so far away. Everything sucks right now. I hate it. I just want everything to be fine for just one day. One day when everything is how its supposed to be. but even then, there are the things bigger than me. hurricane Katrina, AIDS in africa, the stuff going on in the middle east. WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING BE PERFECT FOR A WHILE?
well... its getting to be time for me to go back to school. I think this is one of those situations, when I say my goodbyes to my parents, cuz Idont' know if I'll be coming back, like when I left for the canoe trip. I'll probably die. So, If I dont' return, I love you all.
Laurel

Another Rainy day.

I promised mom, that the next rainy day Iwould bake chocolate chunk cookies with the chocolate we got from Ghana. Well... its been like a week since we last made cookies, so that didn't work so good, so, today I made pie. Saskatoon Berry Pie, that is. mmmmmmm. its my favorie. I talked to Jeremy today, and even tho it was on msn, with my ENTIRE family gathered around, I still enjoyed it. that made me happy. and I am listening to this band, with some mad piano interlouds in this one song, and that makes me happy. Tonight mom and I are watching Raise Your voice. thats happy too. For a rainy day, today is really good. I love it when it rains. I love the smell of rain, and how everything feels clean after it rains. I cleaned my room today. thats like.... the first time since last time. wow. does that ever sound dumb. ok, so the first time in a........ long time. like, 3 weeks. ok, only a week and a half, but still. it was a dump. you have no idea. and Istill have to clean my desk. but that is a huge task that I am not quite prepaired to endure. I'm excited for tommorow, but I dont' know why. I dont' know why I am telling you all of this... cuz I'm sure you don't really care. actually I know you don't care.
So, there is this friendship that has started to grow, and sure, its based on the internet, but its a good relationship. we've been friends for like a year, but we are starting to learn REAL things about each other, and I love it. I love that we can be friends.
I love friends! I love all of my friends! sure... I'm not the most popular girl at school, but the friends I have are REAL, and they will last after high school. and I love that! I love thinking about friends. cuz then you remember all the dumb things you do together.
like when nikki and I sat on the hill in the park and watched kids fide down the hill in a wagon. or when I walked her home one day, and we were doing this dumb walk thing, and then Zach comes along, and sees us.... how embarassing, but not as embarassing as when we were caught singing Michael Jackson in public, without any music. or then there was YC sask with Ashley, "anybody wanna go to ding dong's?" or Dan's east Indian accent! Or when I changed in the Value Village Isle, and she covered for me. When Ashley, Zach, Graham and I went to see the fireworks, and ran back to the car! All of the Autumn tides concerts! hm... and thats only the surface. "Lets make like a tree and Run!" ...and so we (Ashley, Zach and I) run to graham's house. How about all of the deep convorsations? about youth, about church, about school, about life in general. Talking about the things that actually matter, and the ones that really make no difference. What about all the movies watched? and replayed, and then mocked "Billy, I luf you!" "Mamma Mia, eh, Paulo!". What about the bible verses shared. and then descussed.
I can hardly believe that this is my last year. I mean, I can't wait for it to be over. But, when I think of all the memories I have, and all the ones that will be made.... I feel, almost, I don't know. But I like it. I like today. I like who I am, who I am becoming. I like that I dont' know what I'm doing with my life. I like God's role in my life. I'm excited to see what he has in store for me!
Laurel

What a day

ok, so I've had the best day EVER! ok, not really, but for at school, its been good! Ok so here is how it goes.... I'm walking down the hallway, and Three (3) people say Hi to me. Thats a big number for me. THEN, I see this guy, and he is wearing a pink shirt. and now, your thinking "yeah, so what laurel, alot of guys wear pink shirts these days." oooooooh, but you didn't see this shirt, with the faded pink (as if it had been worn many times, for many years) and the navy color, and this huge labell on the guys forhead that screamed "I LET MY MOM PICK OUT MY CLOTHS, AND I AM OK WITH THAT!" oh, how it made me smile. Then, I see another streak of pink, on the front of a boy's chest. but no no no, he wasn't wearing a PINK shirt, he was wearing an UNDEROATH shirt. which reminded me, the concert is only 10 days away. how glorious. And my adventure doesn't stop there, oh no! then, I got to see 2 grade 9 girls struggling to open their lockers, and desyphering who had what text books, and which ones they were missing. what a laugh. Today was GREAT.
and do you wanna know the best part? I haven't even been at school for an hour. I am sitting at home, during a 2nd spare, on a squish day. how great is that? I love my life!
Laurel



ok, like 5 hours later, I get the icing on my cake. I helped my ODS teachers unload canoes. what a blessing. to talk to them. THEN, oh! THEN, my integrated teacher askes me to teach my class how to pack for a trip! hoorah! what fun! more ODS stuff! I love it! I absolutely love it! Today was great! well.. except for the homework I have to do, and test I have to study for. but other than that its great!
Laurel

We could have been lovers, but at least your still my day late friend

Time: 7:31
Emotion: Tired, Confused, numb
Song: A day late by Anberlin

So it happened. A week later. I figured it out the day it all started to roll. the day the question was asked. Today, the question was answered. He likes me. 6 hours away, and maybe a lifetime apart, he likes me. What do I do with it? I don't even remember what I said. whatever it was, was honest. But now, I'm wondering the same thing that he was wondering a week ago. If he was here, how different would things be? how far would things really go? would he have told me sooner, if he didn't know he was moving? how would I have reacted. When he moves back, if he does, what will happen then? Iguess I have to learn what he learned--> God is in control, and its not up to me. ok. I can do that. I think. no, I can.
Its wierd. I've never had a guy tell me that he likes me. wait, one guy did once, but he didn't have the guts to tell me himself. but this is real, not a grade 9 thing. I'm really flattered. I know I'm not the girl that all the guys talk about in the locker room, I've never wanted to be. I've never done anything to make guys notice me. Don't get me wrong, I WANT guys to notice me, but I don't go that extra mile that alot of girls do. I am myself, and if you don't like that, well.... we weren't ment to be. This makes me feel special. So thank you for that. (you know who you are.... I'm not saying names, cuz its not my story to tell, so I'm not gonna tell it).
So let me get this straight
Say now you love me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me in words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes
You mean all of what you say
I remember so long agoSee,
I felt the same way
-Anberlin


Laurel

but never to hide.

hm. my thoughts tonight? scrambled.
What if I've been living as a shell. I do things outwardly, but on the inside I'm a fake. Sitting in class today, a song kept running over in my mind, the only words "I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake". No. thats not me. I teach sunday school. I'm a camp councelor. I work with 24-7 prayer. not me. I hate fake people. how can I be one? I'M NOT A FAKE! how do I know? does everyone else look this way on the inside? I find it hard to believe that people aren't. I've never been different on the inside. can I change that? am I really a fake? I honestly don't know.
Isn't everyone a fake? we all strive to fit in, when we were made special, no one is exactly the same. maybe in that sense, I will never be a fake. nor will you. inless we all strive to be the same person. That becomes fake. what is fake? what is real? how will i know what I am unless these terms become more defined? maybe I have to come up with my own definitions. maybe its a process. maybe this realization brings the next step with god. maybe this is good. maybe tonight is a stepping stone. Maybe God IS good.
somtimes thats hard. 'SAY IT!' God is good. at times it feels hollow. like telling people I'm good when I'm not. God is good all the time, even when I'm not. it doesn't have to be a hollow greeting 'god is good' 'all the time'. maybe its a way of living. GOD IS GOOD! a proclemation with one life. A statement of being a creation of God himself.
a forign thought comes to mind. "They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide." Wow. that is so profound. This is talking about OUR GENREATION. often refered to as the 'chosen generation'. what a label. what a thought. our generation is so apearance focused. what if we could wear cloths to communicate--- to tell people about jesus. to celebrate-- to feel good about ourselves, but in a totally humble way. BUT NEVER TO HIDE. never to hide.
I feel like i should leave it at that. but, I also need to tell you--> god is moving in my life. GOD IS GOOD. I get frustrated, yeah, but don't get me wrong, I just need to verbalize, and rant. thats all this really is, is a place to rant, a venting machine. But also a form of self descovory. Don't think that I am depressed or something... or going through a tough time... I just get frusrated...a lot.


BUT NEVER TO HIDE.

Laurel

helloooooo nurse!

WELCOME BACK TO THE LIFE AND TIMES OF LAUREL BAILLIE! In tonights feature we will be descovoring the ongoings of a seventeen year old life, during the Labor day Long weekend in Saskachewan. Our adventure starts on a friday evening......
Ok, enough with that crap, cuz I really don't feel like telling you all about my long weekend, my point was that its the long weekend and I'M LOVING IT! (ba da da da da).
ok, I am so not focusing on this, I'm talking to 5 people on msn about totally different convorsations, with different levels of seriousness, and then um... well, thats all I'm doing. but we might be going out for ice cream, so then I have to get changed cuz I totally am wearing lounge cloths, and I'm thinking about wearing my new jeans. PLEASE, let me tell you about these jeans. First of all, they are little girl jeans from Value village. I tried them on in an isle of VV, because I didn't want ot go back to the change rooms, so I 'sliped' them on underneath my skirt, while Ashley covored for me with "awoooga"'s. it was a mess. well, anyways, they fit. so then, (ashley got a pair too) we brought them home, and wrote passages from the bible on them. mine has 1 Corinthians 13 (the LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE chapter) on them, and then I painted hearts on them. they are kind of like the hearts from The used's new album. not really tho. anyways. I love my jeans (be de bop bow de de de dow........)!
anyways... I should go, I have nothing else to say.
Laurel

wax on, wax off

hm. I feel like writing something deep. but words evade me right now. My life is a dull mass of... boredom. School, meaningless. I look towards the relationships I build, rather than the things I do, and sometimes I see nothing but lonelyness. I see a girl who was once one of my best friends, now we are strangers. I see the people that I would see, day in and day out, and now, they are all but a sea of faces. I am lost in a place that the past 4 years of my life have been spent exploring, descovoring, adn leaving my mark on, only to find that it has been erased, and no one knows who I am, nor do they care to find out. I realized that I am past tired of trying to fit in, being the one that starts the convorsations.... what If I say nothing all semester? all year? I could handle that. I could handle being a loner. I think I'm comfortable enough with myself, that I could be a loner, and be fine with that. And I think thats what I'm gonna do.
I just realized something. I've been focusing way too much on how much I DON'T want to date that I've convinced myself that I should have a boyfriend by now. and that sucks.
that was random. I'm getting tired, and as I get more and more tired, I get more random. like the bug that keeps running into the computer screen... you'd think he'd get it but he doesn't. then... I think about Zach smelling Sam's feet tonight... that was really random too. Now, there are 3 little bugs on the screen. how annoying. I just picked my nose. bah. its time for bed, I'm exhausetd. call me if you have nothing ot do tommorow.... cuz I sure don't and would love to spend some quality time with YOU!
laurel

Rufus the Naked mole rat

oooooook, so, here I am, bored out of my mind during my 2nd spare. something that should be used for homework, but in these first few days of NO HOMEWORK, I am left with nothing to do. In truth, I have math homework (don't tell mom), but you see, my recent failure at systems of equations, has left me feeling really stupid. so, to resolve my problem, I'm not gonna look at it till monday evening, that way I'll forget all of my problems. speaking of problems..... I HATE REGULAR SCHOOL! I wanna be back in ODS. but because I can't.... I created a... sanctuary, if you will, in my locker. complete with pictures, bug stickers, ODS magnets, my rope, and my compass. I would have included my knife, but that might look sketchy as to my phycological wellfare, so I left that at home. I was thinking about putting a carpet of leaves or something on the ground... but Idecided that was too messy, but I'm gonna see if I can get my hands on some of that fake grass carpet stuff. I think that'd be sweet. then, I'm gonna see what I can put on the walls on the inside of my locker, I don't have any ideas yet, but if you do, please share them.
anyways, I have better things to be doing right now than rambling, like playing computer games, or making a resume. so I"m gonna jet. chow.
Laurel

bored out of my mind

ok, so I'm sitting here at 9:40 with... 40 minutes to kill before I go to first period. but let me tell you about the assembly and the first... 1/2 hour of second (I have 2nd period spare right now).
So at precisely 8:20 am, Nathan and I leave the house to get to school, this gives us 10-15 minutes to hang out with friends. Dang. I walk into school, and see no one. I wander for a bit before I see someone that I can hold a convorsation with- David Janzen. but that only proves me.... I don't know what, but he tells me that he's leaving for Edmonton for good- tommorow. Dang. thats too much for me to take, so I continue wandering. I see Jessica. Ok, I can talk to her. we talk for a bit, and I see Kim. wow. I wish I was in his class right now. I hug him, and he continues on his way. ERIN! hey! we hug, and she passes. well... by now its about time to go into the gym. Thre's Amanda. good. someone I can sit with. And The assembly. blah blah blah. who cares? I've heard it all before. Then homeroom (right now... second) well... I have a spare, what do I do? so, Mr. Fanner, thinking that I must be in grade 10 or something like that, takes it upon himself to figure out where I should be and escort me there. Thanks. I'm in grade 12 by the way, adn I know where room 213 is. thanks anyways. so, then, after the regular misprenouciation of my name, the recieving of a new timetable, paying my school fees, and finding my locker, I came home, to sit and tell you about my life in all of 4 minutes. Great. then, I get to go back to school for break, where I will be lost AGAIN untill I find someone to talk to. Truth is, I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be there. I want to be here, where I am , doing something that makes me useful. PLUS I go back to school for Math A30, with a bunch of grade 11. great. now I'm even more of a loner. a whole hour of talking to no one, and being picked on by a math teacher, cuz they are all the same. Well, at least this year I might actually get a good mark in math, cuz I'll actually be paying attention and doing my homework.
this is a sweet rant. I've gone on for quite some time. maybe now I'll quit and play some computer games. thanks for listening.
Laurel


Ok so now its lunch time... time for an update. periods 1&3 were ok. not great. I hate math, and Life Trans, a class that is SUPPOSED to be for grade 12 has been infested with a million and two grade 11. DIE GRADE 11 DIE. ok. so not you personally, but the ones in my classes are so obnoxious, and freeking... so much like the people I hate. I don't mean to offend you if you are in grade 11 and my friend. but these other ones are dumb. AND THE GRADE 9'S. DIE. they block the hallways like a cork in a butt. ok so that was crude, but its true.
and right now, my mom is sitting with my dad in the hospital, geting results from the angiogram they did this morning. what they will learn..... I don't know. I don't want to know. not yet.
and tonight is gonna be phone calls that will kill me.
anyways... just so you know... my day isn't getting alot better but hopefully it will soon.
Laurel