Tower of Refuge

procrastonation- the act of avoiding something.

Two weeks ago, on a friday, Ashlynn ended up in my arms one more time. And it was just like that one week at camp, when I'd wrap my arms around her, and she'd burry her face in my shoulder and cry, and we'd break every 15 minutes to have a good laugh about something random, and go back to crying. This time, instead of wondering how I was going to get through the week without completly breaking down in front of everyone (especially my campers), I realized how much life must suck for Ashlynn.
And its just now that I've realized that I am still healing, still recovoring. I don't really think people really knew how close I was to Dwayne, he was more than just my pastor. I babysat his kids every week (tuesdays to be exact) for over a year.... and thats got alot to it. He'd pick me up, drive me home, and talk to me, and ask how I really was. I spent an entire week looking out for Ashlynn, trying to read her, make sure she was ok, and if she needed an escape, I would be able to provide a way out. But I don't think I had a way out that week.
hm. my mom came that day. She drove an hour just to walk with me down to the beach and back, and bring me some warm cloths. hm. And she sent blankets and a heater earlier that week to camp with Zach. I think maybe I did have a way out... just not the easy way. I think I had a few places of refuge. like Kelsy-lyn. she was my rock that week. Just like I was Ashlynn's.
I remeber sitting accross the table from Ashlynn that day, at supper, maybe lunch. nope, supper. And we'd all finished eating, and I think I was supposed to be scraping dishes, but I looked accross, and she was just suddenly so quiet, and all I had to do was stand up, reach for her hand, and we were out of there. We were up in the staff lounge, sitting, the two of us, on one cushion in the corner of a couch, with a blanket, just sitting there. sometimes laughing. some times crying. somtimes just sitting.
And then that night, I moved my bed beside her's. I think it might have been for me more than it was for her, but I didn't want her to be by herself that night. I didn't want her to have to face the dark, and her thoughts alone. Now, she tells me that night time is the worst because thats when she has time to think, time to remember. Its those times when she is alone that it hurts the most. She said that sometimes she'll just sit in her empty classroom and cry untill someone comes and finds her. I just wish I couldbe there for every moment she needs someone to hold on to. someone to run to. someone to run away with. Someone to be her escape.
Its funny how I am healing... its not so much about me, but about her. Because when she needs someone at church, I'm the one thats there, that sees that she's not ok, and I'm the one she'll stay with, even though she can go to anyone else... and I think thats because now we share something special.... because we both saw Janet peek into the gym, and we both new exactly what that ment.

sweet dreams,
may you always have a tower of refuge to run to for escape,
Laurel