Happy New Year!

mmmmmmmm, January 1st... the first day of the year 2006, 20 days untill my 18th birthday, 6 months untill I graduate, 8 months untill I need to know what I'm doing next year, 49 minutes untill I have to be at church, 6 hours untill bed time, 30 minute drive to my best friends door, 2 day drive to my brothers door, 10 steps to the fridge, seven numbers on the phone away from a phone call, and countless beats of my heart.
Sitting here in sweat pants, an old shirt, and french braids in my hair, I dont' care what I look like, what I sound like, or how I feel. Its one of those days when you are content to sit at the window and look outside all day. Its one of those days that watching movies makes whatever that raw ache inside of you stab at your heart. One of those days that all you want to do is run away, but you have nowhere do go, and no desire to leave the warmth of the seat that has taken oh so long to warm up. Its one of those days when every movie you see, every song you listen to, resounds with something inside your heart.
Its one of those days when your heart is a little bit broken, but you know you were the one that ripped it apart.
One of those days when you know you made a big mistake, and all the future 'what if.....'s' are already racing through your mind. When you know you have the one moment to change everything, but the effort to pick up the phone seems to be too much, cuz you can't find the words. Its one of those days that you remain breathless all day.
one of those days that you need to go out, even tho you don't want to.

I have to go to church. I really don't want to, but who knows, maybe I'll figure out a piece of the heart of God while I'm there.... maybe figure out a piece of my own heart.

Looking for your shadow is harder than it sounds,
Laurel