You were the last good thing about this part of town

The last little while deep inside my head, I've spent alot of time thinking about Dwayne. and that one day, and that week. Everything about it. Even the small things. Like when I was washing my face in the bathroom and Wendy came in to tell me that Zach was looking for me, and he'd brought me an extra blanket and heater from my mom. And then my mom drove almost an hour just to walk to the beach with me, and make sure I was ok. All I wanted all that day was just to see my mom, and she came. And the 5 minutes I stole to listen to screaming music in my cabin by myself. And how all I needed was to go for a run.... but Ididn't cuz Ididn't have any shoes good for running. The drive back to saskatoon. I wish I was sitting in the back, staring out the window the entire time... but Zach claimed the back, and talked to Derek the whole time. Its funny... I just realized how big a part Zach played in that week, but kinda not really at the same time. But then.. if he wasn't there, I wouldn't have lasted the week. Its crazy the way things are ochistrated by god. And that week totally was. I don't know why I've been thinking about it so much lately... I just have.
ITs taken me so long to get past some things as far as Dwayne goes... Like the kids. I never see them anymore... which is so dumb. and I need to change it... but its so, hard at the same time too, yah know? like the fact that as a church we are looking for a new pastor. thats so wierd. and so hard. and sometimes I dont' want a new pastor.... I like things the way they are... withthe board, and guest speakers... I don't want a replacement pastor. But then we need one. we need direction, and a shepherd. and no one can ever or will try to replace dwayne.
Its like... looking back at all those times I took dwayne for granted, and didn't pay attention during service. or the meetings.
I dunno. I'm not thinking all of this in a sad way. like.. I"m not depressed.... I'm just reflecting. I think it takes me longer to mourn than most other people. I dunno. Take this for what it is.... a few thoughts... and nothing more. Because thoughts are like the wind, and come and go with the wind.

Laurel