Christianity......?

I hate it when people say that God feels so far away... because DUH! he's always here! but wait... oh, blast it, here it comes......
I've been doubting. Doubting EVERYTHING there is to doubt about god. Just the simple things that arent' so simple.... Like... Does God REALlY expect me to follow all of these rules that were written over two thousand years ago? how do they apply? how does he know what I'm going through... when Jesus lived there wasn't all of this shit around? Like, does he really know what its like? Sure he does... he's allways here right? but does he have to LIVE it? FEEL it? CHOOSE it? yeah.... I didn't think so. Know what else? I really want to know how many people ACTUALLY spend time in the bible/with god EVERY SINGLE DAY? like... honestly? how many people preach it? how many people follow through? I sure don't. I don't have time for that. Sure... instead of blogging I could be with god.... but really....
I dunno. Its just..... I don't even know. Lies. its all Lies. But over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.... you start to believe it. Then you live it. and it becomes habit. and thats what sucks, breaking a bad habit.
I don't know. Sometimes I want out. out of this lifestyle. out of this image. I'm tired of doing what I do just so protect the christian image. I'm tired of loosing myself in other peoples ideas of who I am and who I should be, and what I should believe. I'm tired of letting others dictate who I am depending on who I call God. Or what. Look, I'm not bashing/ dumping christianity.... its just, I'm tired of the image. Tired of the dictated lifestyle.
Let me know. What you think..... what you dissagree with, what you agree with.... what you want to know. As christians there is too much that we don't talk about... So I'm talking about those moments when we doubt. Let me know.

Flying is easier with abounding happy thoughts
Laurel