A tough night

"When do my parents get home" I was asked by Tyler Harms. I was caught off guard, and by the second, maybe third time I knew that he didn't realize exactly what he was asking. Stunned I inadequately answered 'in a bit' the way I answer the 5 year old twins I sometimes babysit. Looking over, I see a picture of Dwayne sitting with his dogs, Farther, a picture of his hand, adorned by a wedding band resting on his bible, a bit closer, family pictures with him standing and beaming.
Talking to Janet on the way home, I forgot myself, and Talked freely about my dad.... and his recovory, forgetting that Dwayne didn't HAVE a recovery. That opened the door to talk everything Dwayne.... and how the kids are doing. I hate the fact that those kids hurt so much. I'm thrown back to that day, when Ashlynn wept in my lap. when we had to escape everything Camp, and just sit, sometimes we laughed, more often we cried. Now, we just pretend that that isn't there. But I see it, I see the responsibility that Ashlynn has taken on, I see the fear behind Tyler's eyes... how he doesn't know what comes next, that he told Janet that it will still be six months before he's happy again. He talked about killing himself. Tyler hurts so much, and I am so... not there anymore. I'm there now and then to spring some laughs into their days.... make studying fun, and make supper.
Its just.... I can't imagine what its like for those kids. I mean... I knew what it was like when Dwayne got sick... my dad was sick too. But Dad lived. Dwayne didn't. But were you to ask dwayne who should have died... without hesitation he would say himself.... thats how dwayne was.... when He was sick, he still asked how dad was doing. Do you know why Dad didn't go to the funeral? Because the last time he saw dwayne, Dwayne passed him running and Dad was walking. That never EVER happened, Dad always passed Dwayne running, dwayne was slower than dad, and we all knew it. Yet Dad was the one who lived. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, I mean... we all had so many years with him... Ashlynn only got 12, Tyler, 10. Thats not fair.
The Morning Dwayne Died, I spent an hour, at exactly 1:00 in the morning, I spent an hour praying for Dwayne's life. I woke up so suddenly, and had this urge to pray for dwayne. I knew he died that morning. and I hate that. I hate that I expected it all day. I hate that I wasn't surprised when I saw Janet talking to Jim, or when Jim walked over to me.
I hate that I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. But it sucks. It sucks seeing these kids so low, and trying to hide it. It sucks going over to their house for 5 hours, knowing that talking about its too hard, so for a few hours you try to make them forget. and then they do, and things like 'my parents' pop out.... and I can't even respond.
Sorry. Tonight is a bit hard, and I knew it would be.

Living in NeverNeverLand would be hard
I couldn't live without parents

Laurel