A few thoughts to start the week

Ok, call me a girl, because I am, I just like to pretend I'm not sometimes.... but right now I'm listening to Jessie McCartney. And its perfect for right now. I don't know how to explain it. My mood is totally indescribable. its like when someone asks you who you like, and you honestly can't tell them, and its not because you dont' like anyone... you just.... don't like somone, but maybe like somone. its like that right now for me too. Its like I am content being who I am and doing exactly what I'm doing in this exact moment. I have nothing to complain about, and I have nothing really exciting to tell you about. I'm totally indescribable right now. and I kinda love it.
Its like, you know that someone's doing something, but they don't know that you don't know, and you'll ruin it for them if you tell them, I mean, not like its a bad thing... is like picking your nose in public, no one's supposed to notice, so they don't say anything.
Things like that get me. Why cant' I sing in public? like when I'm shopping... why do I get hushed? I like to sing in the mall. And dance.... I love to dance to the crappy music in the stores... like, in VV today.... terrible music.... like, horrible... perfect for dancing....
Why are we so ashamed to show who we really are? I'm saying this including myself... because I am so guilty of it. but, like, why? if God created us special and unique, why do we push so hard to be like everyone else? to look the same, dress the same, talk the same, walk the same, and do all the same things- listen to the same music, watch the same movies, play the same games. I am a 17 year old girl listening to the same music as some eleven-teen year old girl that thinks Jessie is hot. (ok, so I think he's hot... but that's besides the point). Does that make me strange? or the fact that I am wearing a bright green sweatshirt? how about the fact that I got more out of a CC night than I have gotten out of a youth night in a long time? sure... I felt really out of place... but I got fed. What does that say about me? that I can sit at home and be so different, but when it comes to a monday morning, deciding what I'm going to wear, all that croses my mind is who is gonna see me and what they are going to think of me?
Maybe that comes from the way I judge people. I know I do. and its so bad. I can be so cruel. and I hate that. if people really knew what I really thought of them, or what they were wearing, or my first impressions of people.... alot of people would hate me. cuz I'm brutal. and I hate that. I'm learning self-control. Thats what god has set before me on a platter.... forcing me to eat it... self control. and its hard. you'd think that it'd be the easiest fruits.... but I think its on of the hardest, alot of things follow self control.... every part of my lifestyle needs self control. the desisions I make, the thoughts I think, the words I say, the things I do, everything is influenced by my self control.

Right now... I have a decision to make... I have the opportunity to influence the way my youth group is run for the rest of the year. but there is a convorsation that I have to have before anything happens. please pray for me while I decide weather or not to do this, and how to go about it. t

My window is only half shut now.
Laurel