Lonely

Today, was like, the worst day of my life. except it wasn't that bad.
Halloween in a public school, is like, international Whore day or something. I swear, the girls have a competition to see who can wear the least legally allowable. That just made my entire day bad. I mean, I DO NOT want my little brother to spend an ENTIRE day surrounded by that, never mind all of the OTHER guys that have to find some way to deal with that. Not to mention myself. I hate the fact that all the respect that countless women FOUGHT for is all thrown out the window on halloweeen. 'hey, I think I'm gonna dress up like a slut, but I'll say I'm an 'actris' or an 'angel' or a 'devil' or maybe I'll hide it really good and be a cop!' all I have to say is... you are a whore, no matter how hard you try to desguise it, you look like a whore.
hm. what comes next? how about that english quiz that I FAILED. yeah, let me tell you, I am so excited about that.
oh. and the pumpkin smash. Can you say LONER? yup that was me. I hung out with a few people periodically, but in the end I was still a loner. so a BIG THANK YOU goes out to all of those people that completly IGNORED me! yup, I can say I left this evening (at around 9:30... real late if you were to ask me) feeling REALLY loved, and special.

I don't know. Lately.... I just... I don't even know how to put it into words. yeah... I do. I've felt like the hugest Loozer/ Loner/ freek/ whatever else you can be thats not cool, in the ENTIRE world. not even exaggerating. My best friends at school... I haven't talked to them FOR REAL in almost a year. My ABSOLUTE best friend.... we haven't talked for real in over a week. I saw her, for the first time in like a week tonight... but not really cuz she was working at the PS. The rest of my friends, you ask? well.... its hard to tell, because no one talks to me. and when we do... its about them. THEIR problems. THEIR stories. 'youth friends?' you ask. "what do you mean?" I reply. I'm a loner there too. the only place I am not a loner is in my house. I talk to my mom more than anyone else right now, because I have no one else. I sit and watch tv, huddled in a blanket with nathan, because he'll let me have the remote, and secretly enjoy watching chick flicks with me. I sit and read silently with my dad, and periodically ask him what words mean, and listen to the stories that my questions produce. or, I sit by myself in my room, staring in the mirror. or sitting in front of the computer, wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound so pathetic, nor do I want your pity. I don't want you to talk to me because you know that I feel like a loner, nor do I want you to tell me that I'm not. because I am. thats the way things are. thats the way things are ment to be right now. I will not force myself on people, but I won't back off completely either. All I want is for someone to notice me, every now and then. Does that make sense? Its like... there is that one boy that I've been waiting to ask me to go for coffee with him for the past... forever, but its not gonna happen, yet I'm still waiting. So, instead it might be nice to have someone else ask me to go for coffee, not even a guy, but at least someone I know ACTUALLY cares, and isnt' pitying me.
I don't know. I don't know what my point is.
my point is that I'm lonely. I stand in crowds of people but still feel alone.

forever lonely,
Laurel