I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands.

yeah yeah yeah, I'm a blogging mess, and this is my second one today, but I need somwhere to go, and this is it.
youth tonight was.... everything it shouldn't have been. Jaclyn and Scott were leading [worship], which in my mind made it instantly bad. I couldn't sing one song. I tried, but it didn't work. Because of a number of things. the last song 'today' almost killed me. I had to leave, I couldn't even be in there.
"as for me and my house, we will serve you, as for me and my house, we will spend our lives on you, today."
yeah. no. not in my house. Not with my dad. my house doesn't have family devos. my family does't pray together. sure, not every christian family does that daily, but in a situation like ours, they would be praying together, maybe doing some devos. at least talking about God in the situation. But not my family.
The thing is, I don't cry. I can't. when ever I start to, I block myself up. Everything in my life is fine. Really. and then I will smile. I remeber what its like to cry myself to sleep. I remember crying in public, and being weak. Just because I'm small doesn't mean I'm weak, and If I show anyone that I am weak, they will make excuses for me- "well, she's short, she can't handle it", "Laurel's not strong enough, because she's littler than everyone else". NO I'M NOT. I'm not weak, I'm strong enough, and I can take care of myself. So stop making excuses for me, and let me be. And of all things, NEVER ASK ME TO CRY. Dont' tell me its ok to cry, dont' give me the verse about God collecting your tears, or the one about 'a time to laugh and a time to cry'. Whatever. I deal with things differently. But I WILL NOT cry in front of a group.
BUT, right now all I want to do is crawl into someone's lap and cry till I can't anymore. thats all I want. Is someone to hold me.
I hate the fact that I'm alone AGAIN tonight. Left with nothing but my thoughts and a keyboard. All it does is make trouble. and I'm stuck cuz I don't drive. this is the time that I get angry at myself for not having a licence. Know what would be perfect? Getting a Coffee and walking along the train bridge, all the way accross. But not rushing it. And maybe holding hands. Not with anyone in particular, just holding hands sounds good right about now.
Laurel