I just need you in my life, so just promise me again.

I was in the church today. We had a garage sale, but with everything thats been happening in my life lately, I had alot to do today, so I just stopped in. The first thing I saw was someone waiting to hug me and mom. Then Auntie Cheri asked if we needed food for next week. Then a few more hugs. Its wierd. I mean, I'm so numb about this whole thing. I don't really know what to think. In so many ways it just feels like Dad's having a Calculated heart attack, and he'll be in the hospital for a week. I don't really know if that makes sense. It just feels like this is normal for us, that this is a regular occurance. But then I see my church Family surrounding My Family, and I begin to wonder if this is bigger than I think it is?
I hate to say this, but in everything that we do, that everyone else does, all I can think of is the Harms. About THAT day. seeing Janet at camp. holding back the tears. being strong because I had to, and then because it was out of habit... its always out of habit. I've only ever broken down once... Last semester, I bawled the whole way to school, and came home because I just couldn't do it, and that was the day after I found out that everything with Dad was NOT fine.
I told ashley last night that I couldn't pretend that everything was ok, and go to a new youth group. That was wierd.
But there are those moments, that I forget that things are NOT normal in my house. I had one last night... a really good convo, when things were real. Its been a long time since things were real.
Things aren't real. its so wierd. I don't even know how to describe it. Its like I'm somewhere in between reality and make- believe. Like I'm in a dream. Like a Matrix. have you ever wondered what a matrix really is? because it is a real word, not just a movie. it is:
1) an enclosure within which something originates or develops
2)a mass by which something is enclosed or in which something is embedded
When you really think about it, WE ARE in a matrix. We are in a world made by god, Within the eternal relm of heaven/hell. We are only here temporarily, we orginate and develop here, and are enclosed here, untill it is our time to leave. Wonky to think about that hey? put that into the context of the movie.... and you realize that there is more to life than what you really think. That there really is a war beyond comprehension, that in the end, freeing your mind is not as complecated as it seems. We are in a Matrix, stuck here untill we remove our selves spiritually, or die phyisically. or both.
Thats how I feel. I feel like.... I know more than I should. But act like I don't. I don't know. Its so much more complecated in words than it is in my mind.
If you understand ANY of todays ramblings, please let me know.
Laurel