Funny Weekend

This weekend has been... funny. like not haha funny, but wierd funny. as in emotional funny. its been good, don't get me wrong, its just that I had far too much time to think. which is alright, I'm not complaining.
I was thinking about relaitonships that I used to have. friendships that have fallen... away. and trying to figure out what went wrong, because it is usually traced back to one moment. like this one, I can see it fall apart at the moment I told them that I was going to England, they just slowly drifted farther and farther. or another, from the moment I told them 'I promise I'll try to keep in contact when I'm in ODS'. I dunno. I never just quit a friendship, they just drift. and I hate that. I hate the slow degression of a friendship. it sucks.
hm. but there is this one person who would say I am lying, cuz I guess I am. I guess I quit that one. thats too bad. the worst part is, I have very little desire to try and repair it. I don't desire the awkward moments or the.... anything about that friendship that was.
Its funny how I already miss people, even though I'm not gone yet.
And the whole time, I wasn't sad nessisarily, thinking about this, I was just thinking about all of these people. all of my 'what if's' when it came to certain people, and all of my 'could have beens'.

Totally unrelated, THE day is comming up. the one year day. August 16. the same day as Dan and Andria's now 3rd wedding aniversary, and 2 years since we did 'Live out loud' in the park. now, that day will be one year since Dwayne died. and honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel the deepest need to go back to camp that day. but I don't know how I will get there, because I don't want my mom to come with me. I just need to walk down to to beach the same way I did a year a go. and I need to cry the way I should have a year ago. hm, its funny, I only REALLY cried once that day, the rest was sort of a half-cry. I remember reminding myself all day 'you have to be strong, you are all Ashlynn's got this week'

I'm telling you, this weekend was a funny weekend, because I wasn't depressed, by any means. and I dont' know what that means, maybe I am becomming more detached. but I know I'm not because I am oh so dreading tommorow morning. my first day without chelsea (the girl I'm taking over for) and the first day that Carolyn is back. tommorow will be like death.

anywyas, this is getting to be more and more pointless as I go, so I'm gonna go to bed, sweet dreams!
Laurel